Random writing

Note to self

The girl sat at her desk, listening to her playlist if some of her favorite songs. She wasn't necessarily listening to the music but she was more focused on the words it spoke.

I wanna hold your hand so tight I'm gonna break my wrist.

That's it, the girl thought as she yanked out her headphones and headed outside.

As she walked outside, the girl finally realized how cold it was. She was in a simple t-shirt and shorts and had walked outside in the middle of December, where it was freezing.

She didn't care though, she was too busy wrapped up in her own head to realize she couldn't feel her toes anymore. She couldn't feel the chilling wind blow through her hair rendering her lips to begin to chatter.

This isn't fair! The lyrics echoed inside the girls head. She had listened to that song over and over again, knowing the entire song by heart.

My love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me!

The girl couldn't take it anymore, any emotions she had been trying to hide finally came out.

She began to cry, quiet tears at first that later led to loud sobs that she could no longer hide.

Your broke your own heart...and for what reason? Because you weren't ready? You didn't trust him?

As the girl kept thinking her sobs got louder.

You were working out perfectly fine. There were no problems, you were handling your emotions as best you could. You couldn't just talk about them, it always made you uncomfortable.

Another strong wind blew straight past, shocking the girl to her core.

Now look at you, you miss him and you didn't even love him. You got your hopes up, felt you could fall in love with him, that it would work out this time. You hoped, and you've known what hoping does, it never works. But you thought, you thought this time...it'd be different.

She was no longer crying, but just staring off into the night sky.

You miss him too much. You miss the sweet compliments he gave you out of nowhere. You miss his smile and his laugh. You miss his voice and how even when you felt like crying he calmed you down. You miss every little thing about him. You miss him and his sarcasm and how he was such a...nerd.

But we couldn't say this in person now could we? We could have all the confidence in the world but right before saying the first word, our stomach drops, we get a lump in our throat, and we forget how to talk.

We can't help not knowing how to say what we feel, we just became so...emotionless.

It was at this point the girl snapped back to reality. She looked down from the sky and back to her wrist, slowly grazing of her smooth skin that once was marked from years ago. She thought about those marks deeply, and realized it was for the better that they didn't come back.

We broke our own heart, but it was for the better of the both of us, right?

I didn't even know the answer to that myself, but what's been done is done, there's no going back.

Note to self:

Don't break your own heart, it's worse that having someone else do it for you.

Days had passed, he wasn't on her mind in those days. She believed she was over him. She thought she was happy. She thought she was fine.

But that was her problem, she thought.

She was at the casino, waiting in line for a buffet with her family. Nobody was talking to her, she was a teenage girl surrounded by adults, who would want to talk to her? She didn't mind, she didn't need the attention anyway. 

So she stuck with doing what she always does, she looked around and observed her surroundings. She loved watching what went on around her, knowing that each individual who had passed her had their own story, own personality, their own everything. She liked noticing the little things, she just liked observing.

However this hobby of hers is what caused her to crack. 

She looked over to the exit of the buffet, seeing a small family waiting against the wall. That's when she saw him. Now, this wasn't the exact person, only someone who looked a lot like him, and that broke her. She began to remember things she was trying to forget, all the nice little things. 

She thought back to him, and she was filled with regret. 

She majorly regretted her decision, even if she knows that it was probably for the best. However, that doesn't stop her from wanting to cry, wanting to scream at nothing for why it happened the way it did, and wanting to apologize a million times for saying everything she did.

But she couldn't do that.

She was with her family, catching up with them after not seeing them for over a year. She couldn't just burst into tears and let go. At any other time she could, but not this time. So she did what she knows best, she took a breath, dried her eyes, and smiled. She held small conversation about her life: how school is and how she personally is doing. She wished for anything to distract her from the rotting thoughts inside. 

When she got home that's when she started to think. 

We could be friends right? 

I could apologize and we could try again right? 

It could happen again right?

I can be happy again? 

I can fall in love?

I can, I can....

right?

right...?

As she asked those questions over and over, she came to the conclusion that it wouldn't happen. She could apologize sure, but would that do anything? He hates her right? Nothing would be the same, it couldn't work. 

She messed up, and she's paying the consequences. 

She broke her own heart, she...it's all her fault. 

She wants to mark herself, because of this.

But she won't, because it won't change anything.

Apologizing won't do anything, she can't fix this. He doesn't miss her,

it's too late. 

But she'll hope anyways, because that's just who she is.