The 11th Letter

The 11th Letter - Chapter Two

As I walk on this paved sidewalk I've seen the background change slowly from bustling roads full of cars, busy restaurants, and tall brick buildings to peaceful surroundings, the smell of grass, and one floor houses—I am now in the suburbs. It wasn't really that far from the city center but I took my time to regain myself a bit, I even walked in a very slow pace, but I still couldn't think of anything without her relating to it. It all seems everything, I mean everything just makes me remember about her, there's really no escape. It's like without her, I feel lost like a coin stuck between the couch. The sky is dimming, the sun already set but it has left a temporary mark, leaving a tinge of red, orange, and pink above. It looks like a palette with swirls of different colors in one area.
The cold breeze sets in as the night falls. That made me think. Heat. Does it really exist as its own or does it rely it's energy from a source? I don't think it exist alone, unlike cold, heat relies on something or someone in order for it to be produced. Cold is something that is already present and it basically takes up almost all the space. Heat can be absent but cold will never go away. When an area is cold, it means there's an absence of heat, not the increase of coolness and vice-versa. It's like life and death, life is produced while death is natural. I know not all will agree with me on this matter, though you might say that death can also be a product of a certain action or situation like murder or sickness let's consider this, even if you do live a very safe and healthy life you still die, you just live longer but it doesn't hide the fact that death is inevitable, it doesn't need to rely on something because it's can happen by itself and time is its partner. Life is produced as it relies on someone or something in order for it to go through the process, life doesn't just happen with a snap—not protesting against the context on the book of Genesis but you make life.
As I continue to discuss the matter by myself I hear a loud honk in front of me, that snapped me from thinking. I look straight and it was coming from a car who just stopped in front of me, I was already walking out of the side walk, I almost met a faith like my best friend.
"Watch where you're walking!" The driver shouts. I mouth out a sorry and I notice he didn't turn on his lights in this in time of day
"Turn on your head lights, it's getting pretty dark" I reply, he then turn them on and a bright light flashes I front of me.
I step a few paces back to the sidewalk and he drives straight in the opposite direction. That was close. I shouldn't really think deeply on subjects while I walking in areas like this. I got back on track to heading home. As I reach the very front of our gate, I look at the end of road, continuing to a T-section, I see Lara's house, beside the hill. No lights, no sound, it looks lonely, only the white street lights making it visible. I guess Mr and Mrs Henderson haven't left the hospital yet, they did say they be staying there for a while, I'm just wondering who is guarding the house while they're gone. I finally look away and open our gate as memories try rush into my brain with traffic.
I hear dried leaves getting crushed every step I take in our front yard, I open the front door to see mom talking to someone on the telephone, she looked serious about the call. I greeted her but of course but no reply, she's really busy. I took off my shoes and head straight to my room. I opened the door and went to my study desk beside the window, pass the bed, pass the shelf, and pass the computer. I sat on that chair, my thoughts slowly consuming me, no not the same subject, just memories creeping on me again. Looking at my desk I see a photo of Lara and I on a frame in the corner of my table beside my camera. I reach to grab it. I look at it for a moment, everything slowly compiling. The silence through the hall, I feel it, it consumes my surroundings. I'm the only child in my family so basically I'm always alone, so was she. Lara was my only escape from that loneliness, we had each other for a really long time, we spent a lot of things together. I close my eyes to relax my mind.
The photo was us together posing by the campfire sitting on a log. We were camping at Mt. Theodora in the mountain ranges at the tip of the region. It was a family gathering and some family members, including my parents, invited some family friends over for camping and turns out that Lara's parents were close friends of my mom so they get to join us camping. Both our parents were actually happy that we already met and had become good friends. If only they knew what stupid things we do when we're bored, surely they'll separate us for sure. I remember that trip, we were twelve years old, she actually grew up to be a fine girl, she was never the one who tried to fit in with other people, she never wanted to grow up immediately because she didn't want to change, she maintained her unique personality. Lara and I travelled in the same car, we rode on the back of the pickup truck with some of my cousins accompanying us, while the others had their own cars.
We all travelled in a line following uncle Ben's SUV leading and navigating us to the mountain, though we already memorized the path, he still navigates as through some shortcuts he'd found, clever guy. The strong breeze splashed at our faces and our hair waved through the current of the wind, we sat at the sitting bumps and counted how many red and blue cars pass, that was part of our pass time for the whole hour and half trip to the mountain and if you need an answer to who won, she won. To be honest I saw one more red car to draw the score but I let her have her ego which lasted for only for a few minutes, thank God it wasn't as long like last time we hung around and has a bet. She was very competitive you know.
We reached our spot by two in the afternoon and we had a lot of time to fix the camp and set up the tents, which gave us enough time for us to catch the beautiful sunset on that spot after finishing the real work. The sun started to show an amber-y shine seeping through the gaps between the thick trees on the mountain. One of my cousins who was by the trail shouted that it was time to see the sunset, as we always do this on our camping trips, the other kids ran through the obvious direction where there were safety fences that limits your view but I knew where the sunset was really a great view which I discovered last Ike we went there. Lara was supposed to walk to where everyone was going but I grabbed her arm and told her "Follow me" "Where are we going Jo?" I see her scratch her head as I didn't answer her question, I navigated her through the moderately thick forest as the ground became steeper, until we reached an exit out the forest to a cliff, a fairly wide area enough for four people to fit in one place. The place was comfortable at the same time dangerous
I saw her jaw drop in awe to the beauty of the view "this is the spot I've been talking about" I gazed my hand to the horizon, she couldn't really put her description in words, she was just stunned with the beauty "Johan, this.. this is amazing!" she finally spat out her words. The sun set glares to the spot, the grass can be seen lighter mixing with dusk's light shining, some flowers still blooming on the ground. Two mountains form a V-shape of the sky between them, clouds flying over while the sun sets at the center.
We sat there by the cliff looking at the valley as the sun sets, our legs dangerously dangling at the very end of it. It was an amazing sight. She was scarred of heights but I kind of convinced her to sit by me on the tip of the cliff. We basically just put one of our arms at each other's back and enjoyed the scenery, that eased her tension, maybe because she knows she's with her best friend or is it that she felt safe when I held her tightly? I will never know. We talked about things like how beauty can be seen in a different perspective and sometimes you have to see them in the face of danger, you know, some stuff you'd want to discuss during the sunset. Well at least, that's what I would talk about. We spent sitting on that cliff until the sun had set down, we stayed there until aunt Martha started calling our names.
I hear a voice. I opened my eyes. I suddenly stopped thinking about that memory. It took me a few minutes to respond as I get up from my inclined position, someone's calling my name. I shake my head to wake up and be more alert, it's mom's voice I hear. I put the photo on the pillow, lying on my bed and rushed down stairs and headed straight where I hear her. I find her at the living room drinking her evening coffee as usual, I went in and sat with her at the couch.
"You called?" I asked mom
"Ah yes, I wanted to talk about Lara" she sips her coffee "Is she alright? What happened to her?"
"She got into an accident, yesterday. A car accident" I answered
"Just yesterday? Is she alright?"
"Yes and no. Good thing is she survived her injuries but the bad thing is she's in the coma"
"She's in a coma?!" She spit out her coffee, her eyes widened.
"She's in the ICU. The doctors said they expect her to wake up within two weeks" I explained
"Two weeks?!" That's already pretty long" I didn't reply just a sigh "Oh my God, I hope her condition stays stable." We spent the evening talking about her condition. It didn't really take long, just a fifteen minute talk until her coffee finished. The talk made me feel low again, like the people say today, I feel low key. I tried to change the subject to lessen this feeling "So where's Dad?"
"Didn't I tell you yesterday? He's out five days, on a business trip." She looked at the time, it's 7:03 "Looks like I be leaving sooner" mom gets up from the sofa and went to the kitchen
"Alright, do we have food?" I replied
"There are left over pizza from yesterday, just reheat them"
"Okay, I'll prepare the pan later" I shrugged and sighed
She got out of the kitchen and turned to focus to me. "Honey, look, I know you're distraught and all because of what happened and I get that, even I am. Lara is such a nice girl and always been your closest friend, I know how much she means to you but sometimes these kind of things happened" she paused to flicked my chin up "Let's just hope things turn out alright okay?" mom kissed my forehead
"You think so?" I look at her, shrugging
"Yes honey, I do" she hugged me "Okay, I have to get ready, the I need to go to work" she let go and went upstairs to get ready.

Mom left the house twenty minutes after preparing her stuff, so you know what that means? I'm left home alone. I checked every corner of the house, even inspected the backyard with my handy torch. Locked down the house. I get pretty defensive when I'm alone in the house, I was used to watching the news often when I was a kid and those reports of people breaking into homes had made me paranoid and gave me an idea for a tactic I thought about through out the years, just in case. Not really, copied most of them from tv, some are just nonsense. Okay, I have to relax, I've watched too many home alone movies.
I checked if there were chores need to be done before eating, there was none, mom must've done everything before I got home. I decided to reheat the left over pizza and drink a glass of warm milk, so I can probably sleep better, I might. I freshened up and went back upstairs. I turned off the lights leaving only the bed lamp open, grabbed the photo, and lay on my bed with the curtains open. I stared at the ceiling and slowly remembering what happened on that trip, now where was I. Ah yes, the campfire. That night we fired up the campfire, uncle Ben was cooking the hotdogs on sticks by the campfire, slowly turning it side by side, I don't know why at the campfire and not on the grill we brought for it but we didn't really bother, it tasted good actually. While Lara, me, and my other cousins and family friends' kids were making s'mores, we were spoiling our appetites for dinner. It was a fun night, considering there were a lot of us in that camp. We were singing songs, some were dancing silly, and others were telling stories, it was something to remember.
On that trip, my mom brought her professional camera and took a lot of photos during the camping. She started taking pictures of us by the campfire, Lara requested my mom to take a photo of the two, she insisted, and here you go, this photo of us. I held the frame with care like it was a vase and looked at is closer as the feelings start to mix again. We all stayed in tents around the campfire. We stayed there for almost a week before going back into the town, it was a nice outdoor activity, especially when Lara was there. Those were the days.
I place the photo on the desk beside my bed and stared at the ceiling again. I'm thinking about her again. The same thing happens, memories fill my head. Different kinds. I start to get affected, I feel ache on my chest, it feels like an invisible deep black hole or void on my torso. I try to keep it in, my breath shortens. My eyes are now watering, slowly building up, finally my left eye drops a tear. I started to cry. I blamed myself, I doubted my decisions, I felt powerless at all, I had all these mixed emotions, it didn't mix well. I didn't know what to feel, for the moment I didn't want to care about anything else, I wasn't thinking clearly anymore. I hugged my pillow as hard as I can even though I know I wouldn't make it any better. I just couldn't hold it any longer, it was too late to stop. I couldn't tell how long it lasted, it felt long but when you finally grow tired of crying about it just stops. Still pouring but like and almost empty bottle, the what is left inside was only drips and drops. I stopped crying, my vision cleared again. The muscles between and above my eyes hurt. If crying doesn't help then why do we do it?
My thoughts get back to me, that subject I thought about again. The thought that reality is cold, its true. It has and always have been. Only certain things could warm everything up, because not everything in this world can warm things up, brighten the place. Metaphorically speaking. These events are constant, only decisions and choices can lead the way, but how do you fix a problem that is unpredictable? I couldn't think straight, my head is too blocked with doubts and regrets. She was the biggest ember on the beacon and to lose that flame affects everything, it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I started to feel tired, so this is what they say 'crying yourself to sleep'. My head feels heavy, as well as my eyes. I stare at the window, looking at the dark horizon, the hill still visible through the dark night sky. I noticed some rain drops of water on the window panel, it started to rain, the sound of the light raindrops on the roof echoes through the room. I look at the clock, 8:20pm, its still pretty early to sleep but I want this end already! I tried relaxing, I close my eyes shut, I breath deeply. I start to become drowsy. The sound of the rain dropping started to fade. Before I sleep I just want to wish something. I just wish she's alright, I wish everything turns alright.

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