Bright

five

I felt terrible. I felt guilty. I felt lost.

It is Sunday morning and all I can do is replay Luke’s face in my mind over and over. When I slammed the door all I could see was his eyes, pleading for me to stay. “Stella, wait!” he yelled through the car windows.

I shook my head and tried to erase the memory. I shouldn’t feel bad. I was only looking out for my job as well as his daughter. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, right?

The worst part was that I couldn’t get the kiss out of my head. Every inch of my body wanted to relive it. I wanted to feel his lips on mine, giving and taking, in one motion. I can still feel his hand on my face, pulling me closer. Whenever I thought about the kiss, which was almost all the time, I got butterflies. I wanted his lips all over my body. Starting on mine and trailing down to my jaw, neck, and collar bones. I wanted to run my hands down the length of his torso and then farther. I wanted to discover all of him; mind, body, and spirit.

But, I have to keep reminding myself that I’m doing the right thing. I can’t keep teasing myself with these thoughts.

I flip on the television and get to work on my lesson plans for the next week. After an hour or so, Michael knocks on my door. He and I had been kind of avoiding each other since the bath incident. I wonder to myself if he felt the same energy I felt. “Come in.”

“Hey, you’ve been trapped in here all day. I’m just wondering if you’re okay.” He plops down on the end of my bed, handing me a glass of orange juice. I take a drink before setting it on my nightstand. “Um, I’m okay. Thank you, though.”

He smiles, “Stella, you haven’t left your room since last night. What happened on that date?” I rub my eyes and groan. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want him to know he was right. But I couldn’t hide. Michael knows me too well. “The date was good, wonderful, even. He was sweet and funny and kind… But when we kissed-“ He interrupted me, “You kissed him?” His eyes were wide and I couldn’t help but giggle. “Yes, shut up… Anyways, we kissed. But when we did, all I could think about was losing my job and Ariel’s well being and yeah…” and you.

I fiddle with the papers on my bed and avoid Michael’s eye contact. Why am I so uncomfortable talking about this with him? “Well, I think you’re smart. I just can’t believe you let him kiss you.” I stop shuffling the papers and give him a look. Why does his voice have that tone of disapproval? His head is down and focused on something on the floor. “Michael, it was my choice to kiss him too. Are you upset?”

He shakes his head in disbelief, “I just thought you had more self respect than to kiss someone you barely know.”

I can’t believe him. I have a lack of self respect? It’s like he doesn’t know me at all. “Michael! I cannot believe you would say that!”

He stands and throws his hands out, “Is it not true? Come on, Stella. I know you are smarter than that.” My heart aches. I hate fighting with him but right now he is setting up a fire in me. His words hit me like daggers and my eyes prick with tears but I hold them in.

“You know what? What is there to say about YOUR respect? How about yesterday when you were inches away from seeing my naked body and wouldn’t leave the room? You know I felt uncomfortable and yet you stayed there, staring at me. Where is YOUR intelligence, Michael?”

The words leave my mouth before I can realize it. I didn’t mean to sound that harsh.

He swallows hard and opens his mouth to say something but quickly closes it before walking out, slamming the door behind him. The pictures on my wall shake and my headboard rattles. I feel like shit. I throw my head in my hands and let the tears fall. Michael and I have fought before. It’s just rare but, when we do, it’s hard for me to handle. It hurts me to hurt him. It hurts to know how easily he can hurt me. I fall asleep with tears on my pillow case.

The next morning, I wake up with a headache. Today is going to suck, I can already feel it. I take a quick shower and throw my hair up. I don’t even have the energy to wear makeup today. I glance in the mirror and grimace at how dead I look. Oh well. I creep towards the front door and see Michael’s door is wide open. I peek in but, he’s not there. The living room is vacant too. I wonder where he went last night. Michael has friends besides me. Not many, but he has some. I hope he stayed with one of them.

When I reach the school, Perrie pokes her head around my door, “Good morning!” I force a smile, “Morning, Perrie. How was your weekend?” She notices the bags under my eyes and her smile fades, “More importantly, how was YOUR weekend, Stella?”

I shrug. She gives me a sympathetic look. The bell rings and she yells, “Lunch is on me!” over her shoulder.

The kids file in and take their seats, like usual. I see Ariel running towards me and my heart drops. She rushes into my legs and hugs me tightly. I murmur a good morning and she finds her seat.

I had originally planned to start some reading exercises today but considering how I feel, I decide not to. We color by numbers and lunch rolls around.

Perrie and I walk to a café around the block and order some sandwiches. Sitting with her I realize that she is the closest thing I have to a friend right now. Of course, Michael and I are friends despite our argument but I don’t have the urge to kiss Perrie so, there’s that.

Perrie and I find a seat by the window and I decide to confide in her, “Hey, Perrie? What do you know about Ariel Hemmings?”

“The cute little blonde in your class? She’s quite a smart one. Why do you ask?” She takes a bite of her sandwich. I pick at mine, “Well… I was kind of wondering about her parents. Do you know anything about them?”

She furrows her brow, still not getting where I’m coming from, “The mom isn’t in the picture. I’m not sure what happened but no one has heard or seen her. The dad, however, is really involved. He is at every meeting, assembly, play. And he’s super hot. Everyone here ogles him but he never has a girlfriend so we kind of assumed he’s gay.” I cough at the last bit, hiding my smile. She takes a drink of her tea, “Why?”

I stir my straw around and fix my eyes on a tree outside, “I, uh, kind of had a date with him on Friday.” Perrie’s eyes widen and she chokes down her drink, “What?! Oh my god, Stella! Tell me all about it!”

I fill her in on the dinner, the princess comment, and the kiss. She claps excitedly with her eyebrows raised, “Stella! That’s so exciting!” My smile doesn’t grow, “Wait, why is this a bad thing?” I shrug and nibble at my food, “When he kissed me, I kind of ran away… I was scared.”

“Scared of what, honey?” I tell her about Michael and the ethics and Ariel. “I just don’t want anything to be ruined. It’s all a risk. Loving him is a risk.” I didn’t realize that I felt that way until the words left my mouth. “On top of all this, Michael and I had a fight last night. I am just not sure about anything right now.”

We finish lunch in quiet and begin walking back to the school. Perrie laces her arm through mine, “You know what you need?” I hum in response. “You need to just stop over thinking. Just focus on what you want in that moment. After all, your happiness is the most important.” She had a point. I need to think more about what I really want. Ethics, overbearing thoughts, Michael, Luke, Ariel, everything is not as important as my own satisfaction.

The thing is… I’m not sure what I want. I want Luke and all of his mystery. I want to put him together like a puzzle. I want to listen to him talk for hours because it’s special when he does. I barely know him but even now I know he is caring and protective and loves deeply. Isn’t that every girl’s dream?

What is holding me back? I would like to say I am held back by a love for my job- and that is a huge part of it- but, there has to be more that doesn’t allow me to make a move. There is something in my heart that whispers “this isn’t what you desire”. I just need to take time to figure it out.

“Hey, Perrie?” I ask when we get back to our classrooms. She spins around with a smile, “Yes?”

“Do you want to come over tonight?” I enjoyed talking to her. She was sweet and genuinely caring. And honestly, I am desperate and lacking in the friend department. “We could watch movies and drink some cheap wine?” She giggles, “Only if I can bring some cheap wine to share!” We exchange details and I make my way to my classroom feeling slightly better than before lunch.