Dance Without Me | n.h

Chapter 35: Fake Smiles, Real Tears




Chapter 35:




I pry open my tired eyelids and look at my surroundings. A soft morning light is streaming in through the windows and I notice my position on the couch. I was too lazy to get up last night.




The fact that I'm waking up alone only freshens the ache in my heart. How is it that just 48 hours ago I was in his arms? It feels like a lifetime that I've been hurting.




I've grown almost used to the pain though.




Another haunting fact, tomorrow is my Juilliard orientation.




I go through the motions of the day very orderly and systematically.




I shower and then change into something that looks like it came from my mothers closet. It's a button up white blouse with a light pink blazer. I put on tan shorts so it isn't too business like. I blow dry my hair and then pin it up into a bun. The heavy foundation covers the bags under my eyes and the mascara makes them look less dead. I'm excellent at hiding things if that isn't apparent by now.




My stomach growls and I remember I have no food in this apartment. May as well settle in. I walk out of my place and make my way to the lobby. Once there I take a pamphlet from the main desk that has nearby stores and events.




I notice the grocery store right down the street. Market Basket I think. I walk into the warm late summer morning and let the sun soak into my skin.




I buy about four bags worth of groceries and then take them back into the apartment. I want to keep myself busy so I walk back outside and try to learn the route to school. It is only about a ten minute walk and it's fairly easy to find. I walk right up to the main building and look around. It's massive. The building looks old and classical compared to the sleek and modern facade of the rest of this city. It reminds me of home.




There are a few college students wandering around but most classes, like mine, start tomorrow. I am just realizing how incredibly nervous I am. I literally don't know anybody here. I'm completely on my own. I remember how excited I was for this a few months ago. Looks like this 'independent' lifestyle isn't all it was cracked up to be.




I need to give it a chance though. If I don't I'll just be trapped in my own personal hell.




On the walk back I notice a cute little decor place and decide I should give my apartment a more personal touch considering, well, it's mine.




I buy a bunch of decorative pillows for the couch and my bed and I stock up on extra blankets for winter. I also buy a bunch of organizational things like calendars and memo boards. I see a cute lamp I want and purchase it as well. I spot a vintage record player by the cash register. I've always wanted one so I figure now is as good a time as ever to get one. I have too many bags to walk so I end up calling a cab for the short ride. Luckily, cabs are one thing that isn't hard to find here.




I bring my decorations into the apartment and spend about half an hour setting everything up. I need more things to do to get London off of my mind so I even resort to going to the gym. I apply for a membership and stay there for about two hours. I'm already noticing my roots beginning to dig into the soil here.