The Way We Feel

Preface: The problem with feeling

Why do i let myself feel
After years of feelings and their consequences you would think someone would learn to build up a wall or to push away and deny the feelings and save yourself the regret and pain they cause. But of course humans are stupid and we care to much, we put ourselves in positions to get hurt and we slowly kill ourselves in the process. Maybe That's how people die without a health reason, not the body's aging but the Soul. Once we cant take anymore, cant care anymore, have left no room for ourselves we die. Why should I let myself get to that point.

  The old Ash, the old me would have died young if that were the case but then i met Michael. Damn did he turn my life upside down, turn me upside down. And now that he left, I'm left with the broken scattered remains of Ash the nice, caring, loving girl who couldn't hurt a fly and replaced with me. Ash who cant seem to feel again who cant seem to believe that anyone cares without personal gain, without a selfish reason.

Three months before...

  "Jess, I look like an old 80's remake of a dancer" I whine to jess who I might add is paying no attention to me or my whining. "Do you have any other cloths??" I complain "no, jade took the rest of my cute cloths and she will kill you of you go through her stuff" jess regretfully informs me. I rummage through her haphazard closet looking for something cute to wear for Halloween, after school we ran to her house to get ready and I took one look in the mirror and realized there was no way I was wearing my outfit downtown especially when Michael would be there.

  Michael was the guy I had a crush on and the schools baddest boy, he wasn't mean but he always wore a cocky smile and walked with a sort of arrogance. I on the other hand was not that interesting I mostly stayed at home and read and played soccer, however I did talk a lot, but That's as interesting as I get. But I was determined to AT LEAST look slightly interesting and cute.

  As we make our way downtown I stumble in my heels, I'm always clumsy so it probably wasn't the smartest idea to wear these shoes, but they did look cute so it was worth it...I hope.
I spot Michael a cross the street wearing a cocky grin and I wave he waves back and smiles, he makes his way over to me and my heart starts racing, calm down Ash I tell myself ...But its too late I'm already ahead of my brain my heart is on auto pilot and that should have been the first warning. After walking around downtown we head up to the party during the football game me and Michael find a place alone to talk and as the night passed by in a blur, I find myself staring into his bright blue eyes as he says three words that send chills down my spine.."of always wanted to kiss you" he whispers and presses his lips against mine I smile into the kiss because it feels so right, of course I haven't known him for barely a few hours, of known him for two years, but as it turns out you only know someone when they show you the real you.
And he decided not to. Later that night as the Sun set and it got dark he poured out his "heart" out to me and wins my heart in one night. That should have been the second warning. But of course my brain was deciding not to work when I needed it most. The third warning was that when something is to good to be true it usually is. And it was.
The best four months of my life so far were all spent with Michael. And were all torn apart by him. I loved him with all my heart and now I'm a different person I don't trust anyone and no matter how hard I try I cant be happy and forget about him and I cant love again. Now I'm Ash with cold Brown eyes that try desperately to be sparkly again. Ash with a fake smile and Ash who trusts no one.

  Four months later...

  The last day that I'm truly happy was February 8th, during lunch Michael had asked me if I would go to the movies with him just us, on valentines day. We had been dating for four months and I was super exited for my first valentines day with a boyfriend especially considering i was so in love and this was my first serious relationship, I trusted him wholeheartedly and payed for it later that day.
 
  In history class Michael seemed completely different, he said he was just tired and I wanted so badly to believe him but deep down I knew something was wrong and I had a feeling it included me. After class he all but ran from the classroom and didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, me and him had had out ups and downs but we always talked it out, like the time I walked off with my friend Ryan who he believed to be a girlfriend stealer or the time I broke the necklace he got me for christmas, but this felt different. And I was right. After school that day Michael texted me saying he needed a break, that he didn't want me right now. I ran to the river by my house and cried down there for hours I couldn't eat or talk for a week, I was lost. After that it got better or not as painful at least, I ate and laughed, I smiled sometimes but when I saw him I broke down again. Seeing him happy without me hurt more than anything.

  And now, almost eight months later..
I still miss him.

  But That's the thing now ..I thought I missed him ...the way his lips move against mine ...or the way he holds me .. But lately I think i may just miss being able to trust someone..anyone..and I don't know what I feel anymore.. I cant feel anything.