KEEPERS OF THE WOODLANDS.

chapter 25:SUCK IT UP

i didn't realize id gotten to my room.my mind was somewhere else.lost in limbo so my body was on auto pilot.i dragged myself in and shut the door.i held onto the door knob.as if  it would support me somehow.i felt heavy inside.uncomfortable in my own skin.i lay my head on the door frame and shut my eyes.the sound of rain pouring was low .it soothed me as i tried to match my breathing with it.what in the world was wrong with me.i'd been gifted but it felt like i was being tethered.it felt like i wasn't ready.fear held me in place for the next five minutes.

i snapped out of it when i heard a knock.i fixed my emotions up and tried to look not so drained.i let out the breath i had held inside and opened the door.russ had his hand up in light fist half way in on a knock.he pulled back his hand straight to his pocket and leaned on the door frame.

"can i help you?"i really wasn't in the right place for any type of conversation.he didnt seem offended by it.in fact he smiled.

"well look who's got the VIP status.how'd you land the keeper's guest house?"he was snooping trying to get a glimpse of the room.i wasn't gonna ask him in if that's what he was fishing for. "i don't know russ.maybe i'm the next keeper so i get VIP status."it slipped my tongue.i played it off.he laughed "pfft you? .the next keeper?that'll be the day."he didn't offend me although i wondered .would the people accept someone like me?he read my thoughts exactly 'that would be the day'.i fake laughed with him then he continued"very funny.anyway i followed you.you didnt seem ok and i was concerned."

i rolled my eyes and made that 'really?' face.so now he was concerned."ooh really?since when were you concerend about me russ?"it was always me that was concerened about him .never the other way around ."maybe i dont have the best way of showing it but?"

i cut him off"yeah whatever.im fine .thanks for the concern.great quotes on concern."

"i don't want to argue with you babe,i just saw how shaken you were back there at the pond and i was worried that's it."his face was empathetic.he might have meant what he was saying.he quite pocketing and held my hands"dont push me away this time.you normally spiral out of control and i never get the reason why.but this...this is how it starts.when your not okay and you woun't tell me about it.let me be here for you. just this once."

i hadn't known about how my actions affected him.i just always felt like the victim.there were still plenty of reasons why we called it off and most of them were his fault.but i saw the part i played in it too.it brought me close to tears."its totally my fault.its my fault you called me nicki that one time.its my fault you go off the radar weeks at a time.you know what forget  it."i stopped talking as soon as i realized i was being too emotional about it.i pulled my hands away from his ."honestly thanks for worrying about me."

"cas"he had a guilty look on his face.it made my legs weak for a second."just go russ."i shut the door on his face and headed for the shower.i felt filthy in every way.it made me mad.the number of things weighing on my mind made me feel crazy.i was tempted to go back and ask him in.just so i could be in someones arms and not feel alone.

throwing my clothes to the floor ,i stepped into the shower.the water flowed from the wall.there was a hole and a piece of rock that fit in place to cover it.if that piece was removed water flowed from the wall with just the right amount of pressure.there were algae growing on the wall all the way down to the floor.bioluminescent algae.it lit up the shower perfectly and didnt spread uncontrolably.it was beautiful.i ran my fingers over it gently trying not to displace it.

it felt warm and too soft for my feel.i displaced the piece of rock  and the water flowed onto my head.i shivered at the cold water touching my body but soon adapted since i was already wet from the rain.i rinsed my face off.my thoughts driffted.was i or was i not the keeper in the first place.i should've staid my ass at home and done those spiritual studies my mother forced me into. i wouldn't be in all this.maybe i shouldn't complain.i should be grateful.

thoughts swarmed my mind.i felt a headache coming anytime.i decide not to think about it anymore so i switched off.i had a self sabotage tendency when i felt under too much pressure.switching my mind off was the best way of preventing myself from doing something stupid.i liked to tell myself that but actually it was the beginning of a list of stupid things id do.so no ,i scratched that thought.no switching off.i would deal with it.i had to suck it up and do what i had to do.i felt my mind slow down.deep breaths girl.

i inhaled slowly and sat down on the shower floor.my eyes closed and my legs spread carelessly infront of me.i didnt want to lean on the algae.i looked down at my fingers.distracted by my nails.tears almost made their way down my face .i wasn't a big fan of crying it out.so i looked up focusing on the light from the algae.i pulled my legs closer to chest and hugged them tight.rocking myself back and forth.

a switch went off in my mind .it was peaceful .i'd regained control.so i rocked myself back to sanity.after a while,i got out of the shower and put on a loose short piece of sheddings.i laid my head down softly on one of the beds and covered myself.