Between the Distance

f o u r t e e n :

I've been sort of freaking out ever since Theo texted me. Who am I kidding? I've been full-fledged freaking out. Now that I'm sitting here in the coffee shop with Simon, I have no idea why I said yes. I guess it was just one of those spur of the moment choices you make when you're not really thinking straight, but your heart is pounding in your chest really fast and you're out on a study date with your best friend and so you say anything just so it can be over. But the next thing you know you've got a date and even though you know how it happened you're not really sure how it happened at the same time and it's all really exciting, yet confusing at the same time.

"Nev?" Simon says, reaching over to me, touching my hand gently and snapping me back into reality. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I lie.

What I really want to say is something about how a girl asked me out on a date, but not really a date, but at the same time sort-a of a date, but I don't. I keep my mouth shut, and my thoughts to myself because part of me is afraid that some part of him won't be bothered by it and then I'll know for sure that whatever this is, isn't really anything at all anymore and that thought scares me more than anything.

"You looked zoned out, like you were lost or something."

"Sorry."

"That's okay." He smiles faintly. "Did you hear what I said?"

I open my mouth to say something. More than likely an excuse as to why I zoned out, but nothing comes out. Simon shakes his head and smiles. Not a normal Simon smile, but the left half of his lips raise up and slightly part a little and he's doing that devilish grin thing again. Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how much he does that, or if it's just a natural reflex.

"I said we should go out. Just the two of us."

"Like a date?"

"Well yeah, like a date."

"Don't you have band practice?"

"Yeah but I told Ian and Hammer I needed some time off."

"I can't."

Simon shoots his left eyebrow up and pulls away from me. My arm is suddenly cold and I realize his hand must have been there a while. He's just as surprised as I am. There was no excuse, no spontaneous movie night with Sasha and Gem, no "I have to study for this and that test."

"Why not?"

"I just can't, I'm sorry."

"What's going on with you Nev? You've been acting different lately. And I know there's this rift or whatever you want to call it going on between us, but I know you Nev. I know there's something more going on and you're not telling me. And I need you to know that whatever it is, you can tell me it."

"There's nothing going on. I'm just tired lately."

"You've been tired since the first day I met you."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is."

"Well alright, but not like this."

"Then tell me what this is."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I just can't Simon. You don't understand. You wouldn't understand."

He opens his mouth to say something, but before he can get the words out, before he has a chance to say anything, to try and convince me to tell him what's really been bothering me, what's been going on, I grab my backpack and hurry out of the coffee shop. Once I'm outside of the coffee shop, I start running. I don't know why. Simon hasn't gotten up and came to chase after me like they do in the movies, after all this isn't a movie. It's real life. My life, and of course my life isn't that romantic.

Is anyone's though? I really want to know how many times a guy or girl or anyone has run after someone because they were the one? Or maybe people do and I'm just not the one. Doesn't matter much anyways, because I'm quite positive that Simon isn't the one either. And I don't mean the one, as in a soulmate kind of way. I just mean that he isn't the one for me now, and perhaps no one is. Perhaps this is some harsh reality that I don't want to face and that's why I haven't left Simon. Truthfully I don't like being alone. And I don't mean in a room by myself or going out somewhere. I can handle that, I prefer it sometimes actually. I mean that I can't be alone with myself. I crave togetherness, and not only being with someone, but the idea itself. It drives me utterly insane, that I can't stand to think of being by myself. After all I've been with Simon ever since I was seventeen years old. I've never experienced anything or anyone outside of him because once he took my hand and it squeezed it tight, I've been too afraid to let to because no one else might ever grab it again.

I keep on running, until my thighs burn and my throat aches dry, but even then I don't stop moving. I can't.

Simon calls me and leaves me a couple more text messages that will eventually go unanswered for a while. In fact, so many things wouldn't have happened and could've happened differently if I just picked up the phone and heard what he had to say. I thought it was because all of this stuff going on between me and Simon would've been one hundred times easier to deal with if I just answered the phone. But I didn't.

When I finally get home, I sink into my bed. I don't change into something more suited for sleeping, like pajamas or a pair of sweatpants which are actually pretty much the same thing for me, these days. I close my eyes and try to melt into the softness of my sheets, just as my phone begins to vibrate against the bedside nightstand.

> Pea and Barnum's at eight?

> What? I reply back. A second later I realize it's Theo. I debate whether or not I should text back something else, but I decide against it.

> It's a restaurant. In town. Our date? Remember?

> Yeah. Of course.

> You forgot didn't you?

> Of course not

> I'll pick you up at eight tomorrow.

> Okay. At Fifth and Dawson?

> Okay, see you at eight.