The Diary Of Molly Hooper

Pretty Funny

Before this entry begins, I just  want to say that I wrote this a long time ago. I was in an iffy place in my life and was about to post this on my blog before I thought better of it. But now I've moved on. I'm sure of it. I've got Tom, I've got Toby, I've got everything I need.  My life is definitely getting better.

Sorry that this is so emotional and negative. I'm not usually like that. It's just how this ended up.

xx Molly

I can't believe that trying to dress up in order to impress him ever seemed like a clever idea in my head. It just doesn't make sense to me now. I'm deeply regretting doing all that work for him as well.

I've always had problems with this sort of situation. I remember being a little girl, always wondering if I was good looking enough to be along with the other girls. It's not the same for your father to say that he thinks you're the most beautiful in the world. You have to have people who are going to be honest about it.

I believe that's the biggest problem with him. He's extremely honest, too honest. He doesn't hold anything back that he's thinking. I mean, I should have seen that coming. I've tried all sorts of plans out to capture his attention. Yes, it works sometimes, but he never likes it too much. I can tell.

The stupidest part of all of this is the fact that I actually believed that it was going to work! After so many failed attempts, a bit of mascara isn't going to cause him to fall for me. I shouldn't have even tried to do it. I know now that there's nothing that can fully fix me up. No matter how much makeup I pile on my face, it's still going to be the same old face. I'm sure that it's just not enough. It hasn't been before, and never will be.

I feel like it's wrong to be angry, especially to be angry at him. It's not his fault that I'm upset over all of this. It's not his fault that I'm in love with him. Well, I guess you could say that it is his fault, but I don't want to blame him for it. Like I said, he's only just being honest. The honest truth is that no matter how much I try, it'll never be enough. 

There must be some sort of upside to this. I should try to be positive about this. I should try to be more positive about everything. My friends keep on mentioning that I'm having trouble smiling lately. Apparently, frowns don't look awfully pretty on me. I feel like that's kind of funny. I don't look pretty because I'm frowning. I'm frowning because I don't look pretty. 

Reading over this makes it sound as if I'm so superficial, like I don't care about anything more than looks. I guess I might just be shallow, though. Honestly, I'm not sure how else I can grab his attention. I've tried to be smart but I just end up being forgotten. I might as well be made of cellophane. He can't see me or hear me, not really. I just don't count to him.

But how could I possibly think that being gorgeous would suddenly cause me appear to him? It does sort of make sense-if you smudge paint on a piece of cellophane, you'll be able to see it there. Maybe if I smeared some lipstick on, I'd end up being seen as well.

Instead, I ended up messing everything up even further. It's just so easy to let him get to me. This is why it hurts to be in love with him. The worst part is that he will never realize just how I feel about him. He's so talented when it comes looking at people and figuring out every last detail about them, and yet he never was able to tell about me.

There was one time when I thought he was finally noticing me. He was actually complimenting me on what I had done. But then I just ended up fading into the background after that. It's not all that surprising, now that let myself think about it.

I can still remember that moment as clear as ever. I can also remember going back home to grab Toby up from the ground and crying into his fur. I avoided him after that. It became clear that makeup and clothing meant nothing to him unless it was being used for him to figure something out about someone.

Can you imagine that? For a moment, I actually thought that I was pretty. I thought that I had been able to succeed in grasping his attention, since I had actually been pretty enough for once.  He convinced me for a moment that I truly could be pretty. 

Funny.