WHILE YOU READ THIS HORRIBLY WRITTEN FANFICTION YOU MAY NOTICE IT'S NOT EXACTLY WRITTEN IN ENGLISH, BUT ZEN LANGUAGE. ONLY FEW WILL UNDERSTAND THIS. LEIK RLLY UNDRSTND THES.
I just saw meh ex boyfrend in da club. OMG. He was kissing anoder girl. Leik we onleh broke up a yer ago. Who dus he thenk he is.
Anyweh, I'm twerkin outa dis club in dis little black dress. It's liek rlly tight. Da top is cut low. Purdy quiche. I walk into dis dark alley cuz i think it will be sah much safer than crowded streets wif police and sh*t. Yeh. Def no rapers.
OOF!
I jest got pushed ova. Drunken tw*t. Who dus he thenk he is. But gess wat.
Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's a hawt boi. And somehow I'm nawt scard that he pushed meh ova in a crepy alley and he cood rape meh. I thenk we're ment to beh.
He said "Sorry, got crowded by fans." So I said "Yah sorreh bout that. I thenk they've found meh. Hold up! Just gotta call management." I flip out mah pink Moterolla and ring dem.
Bring Bring
Bring Bring
.......................
.......................
Brin-
Management: "Hello?"
Meh: "Yeh Heh"
Management: "What?"
Meh: "It's meh."
Management: "Who is 'Meh'? I'm sorry I think you have the wrong number."
Meh: "It's meh you dumb sh*t."
Management: "Miss there is no need to use that sort of language."
Meh: "OH SHUH-UP!"
I hang up on deh fag. Dis boi is still here. He looks at meh, with dem s*xay eyes. I know he wants meh. He extends his hand towards meh liek a robot. "Are you alright love?" he says to meh in dat hawt bri-ish accent; i can immediately tell he's french. I say "No, but ah will beh once..." I look up at him throo meh lashes. It's hard to seh, so ah push dem out of mah way. Supposedly it looks rlly s*xay. "Once what?" He speaks close to meh ear. His breath smells leik fish. He cood be a merman.
"Once.." Ah whisper.
"Yes?" He breaths. It stenks.
"Once you give meh sum of ya graveh!"
"Uhm, look i got to go"
He liek comes up and helps meh up. I take his hand and OMG IT'S LITERLLY S*X. His palm is liek soft, liek someones ass. But not to mention any names (Barak Obama). I say "Thunks" and he smiles. He has liek dese weird deep holes in his cheeks. I tink it's a blackhole. He's probs an evil merman. Anyweh i hug him and liek just y'know say thanks and sh*t. And right when we were about to make it official...
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mi ex shows up. And stands in da alley way liek a creepa. Jesus it's a dark alley way u don't belong here. And den he sings "U DON'T UNDASTAND, U DON'T UNDASTANNNDDDD. WHAT CHU DO TO MEH WEN U HOLD HIS HAND"
Den i just roll mi green or purple. what eva color eyes. It has to be unique, odawise i'm no longer hawt. I stare at dis boi, and blink mi long black eyelashes. I flip mi hair liek willow taught meh and smile at him. Mah ex den sings "WE WERE MENT TO BEEEEE, BUT A TWIST OF FAAAAAAYYYTEEEE. MADE IT SO U HAD TO WALK AWAYYY"
So ah told him "Damn right I did. I just can't deal wif your sh*t."
I turned to da hawt boi. He was tryna smirk at mi, but he looked liek sum retarted fesh. "Do you need a ride home love?" Heh asked. Erm, who wouldn't say yes to a boi you leik just met in a crepy alley and doon't even know his nem. Not mi dats for sure.
"Yeh but no but yeh but no but yeh. Yeh" I leik tried to keep heaps calm bout it.
"Well hop in." His eyes did dis weird glance thingy towards hes car. Maybeh it was sum sot of rape car. Maybeh heh was high.
I got in anyweh. He was hawt.
"Where do you live?" Heh put his hund on ma knee. Who dus he thenk heh is. Tryna get creepeh wif meh. But it was kinda hawt. Heh had leik massiv ape hunds tho. Ew.
"I live in leik London." Ah winked at hem. But sh*t meh eye got sumthin in et and I sarted blinkin leik a fag.
"Um Okay. Where in London? You do have a place to stay right?"
"Do ah look leik a fukn hobo?" I spat, leik literally, and mi saliva sprayed on hes forehed. Ew. "Dat's festy". I reched out mi hund to wipe of da sh*t on his head and da boi leik smiled at mi. Creepa alert. Mi hunds leik accidently swiped past his cheek, and they leik pressed into dem weird holes and i thought that i'd lost meh finger.
"Can I leik stay wif you? Maybeh for leik a few dez or so?" Ah said rlly softly. I can't always act cheap if ah want dis boi to like meh even more.
Da boi did this odd kinda scrunch wif his eyelids. Freakeh. Heh must beh thenken. "...Yehh..yeh okay, sure. I need a roomy for a while anyway." Heh smiled...again. Jesuis he smales sah much.
"K den." Ah said. Heh doesn't have to gev meh his life storeh...
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IF YOU READ THIS, CHEERS TO YOU.
AND IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW, THIS FANFIC IS A JOKE, THAT MY FRIEND MADDIE AND I FOUND EXTREMLY FUNNY TO WRITE. :)
