When I was young, I was insecure about myself especially when it came to my skin. It was hard for me as a young girl especially when no one was by my side. I didn't tell anyone about my problem because I didn't want people's pity or people to know I was weak. Looking back I wish I had told someone, I wish I had a friend to lean on.
I remember sitting in front of the television watching a beauty advertisement and I saw this beautiful lady with silky, thick hair and olive glowy skin admiring her beauty. I was so jealous of her beauty. As a young girl that's normal for us girls to think that way, but the level of jealousness I had was extreme. Soon that jealousy turned into hatred. I hated myself so much I stopped looking in the mirror. I was frightened by what I saw, an ugly girl with bad skin. I was so desperate to be pretty I would look up " How to lighten you skin" on YouTube in my room when I was alone, I would lock my door turn the light off to make it seem like I was sleeping under the covers and turn the volume down and I would just watch the videos. When I was alone in the house I gathered all the ingredients I needed and mix them up and apply it to my face and I continue that routine for months. No matter how many times I did that routine it didn't work, so I got on my skinny knees and prayed. I prayed to God saying "Dear God if you are listening can you please make me have nice olive, glowy skin and silky hair'. After I prayed I went to bed hoping he would answer my prayer, but when I woke up he didn't answer my prayer. I was sad, but I told myself "He's busy, so it will take some time". I did it again and again soon it became a daily pattern until I gave up because I felt silly to believe it would actually work. I slowly began to lose faith in God, I started to question whether he loved me or not. There were times when people would tell me I was pretty, but I didn't believe that because I didn't look like the girls on television or on social media. I smiled and said "thanks". Everyone that knew me thought of me as confident, silly, rude girl, but really I was just a weak girl with confidence issues, I was hiding behind a mask.
It wasn't just my skin that made me feel insecure about myself it was also being different from my family. I have nothing in common with them so it's hard trying to talk to them. I'm constantly left out of things, constantly at war with them to notice me and make them understand me not as a family member but as a human being. They would make fun of me and call me "White Girl'' because of the music I listen to and what I believe in so I was treated differently made fun of and got ignored when would explain my feelings. I lost confidence in myself began drifting apart from the people around me I felt alone. I remember I was in my room and I packed a bag of clothes because I thought of running away from all my problems, but I didn't because I thought of what could happen to me. I could have been raped, no one wants that so I decided not to. As the years went by. I became invisible to my family. I was alone. I didn't know how to deal with my pain until I was introduced to writing, writing stories/songs helped me express my feelings. I guess you can say it saved me until my problems got worse, I lost confidence in something that I love which was writing. I just couldn't handle it anymore I was officially lost with how to deal with my pain. It was all too much for me I just wanted to end for good.
Throughout this struggle, I was lucky enough to have met some of the most caring people. I'm lucky to have met Gabby and Imani because they were always there for me when I needed them the most. It's crazy because I was never easy when it came to trusting people, I wasn't the type to share my feelings and secrets with people even if we were best friends, but with them it was different. They understood me more than my own family, it's weird but in a good way. When I first came to school, I didn't think I could trust anyone, but that changed when I met Gabby and Imani they welcomed me into their lives and ever since I've been able to lean on them on my darkest days. It wasn't just Imani and Gabby that was there for me there was also Mrs.Wilkerson and Mrs. Abreu. I remember one day during Taps Mrs.Wilkerson came up to me and asked to talk, she was worried because she noticed I've been down lately. I walked into her room and sat down she started to talk, "What's going on you've been down lately" she asked. When she asked that question I wasn't sure if I can tell her, let alone trust her: I was afraid she would tell the other teachers and look at me differently and pity me. At the same time, I wanted to talk to an adult, so I told her everything that's been going on at home. As I told her tears were streaming down my face. I felt sad but relaxed at the same time, relaxed that I was finally able to speak my feelings, and my pain, it felt good. There was this one thing that Mrs.Wilkerson told me that I will always remember "It's okay that you're different from your family, and I like the fact that you stand up for yourself and don't let them change who you are." Ever since she said that, when I felt the need to be different I look back and remember what she said not, I stand up for myself even more and embrace my differences. I am truly proud of who I am it just took me a long time to believe in myself and I'm glad I did.
I am glad that I got to experience something like that because it made me stronger, it made me look at people and not judge them because you never know what's going on but only that it also made me want to help people who are struggling with confidence issues. It's important to stay honest to yourself and to love yourself. I want to be able to help people find their inner light and let them know it's okay to break down at times and you don't need to be someone else to make "them" happy because at the end of the day what matters most is that you're happy.
