It's precisely 2:37am on my wrist watch right now. I am (or rather, was) studying Biochemistry. Oh, don't worry about being curious about that subject much. Even us medicos struggle to understand it!
So, yep!
'Was' studying that subject, before my brain decided to replay some unpleasant past events, causing a surge of emotional breakdown, which came out in the form of tears..
A Crying mess .
That's the term I prefer to use for that state of mine..
Because during that time, all the world, just comes to a crashing halt. And you are reliving those memories. And there's nothing more helpless than not being able to detach yourself from them.. And, during those moments, it's just you and your teary eyes. And everything around you, seems utter mess.
And it is during those moments that I think to myself - "Why?"
Why does it always have to be me?
Why am I always at the receiving end?
Why is it always me, who has to bear the brunt of cupid's stupidity ?
For once, can't I be someone's 1st priority?
Why can't I be the 1st thing on someone's mind, the moment he opens his eyes for the 1st time for the day, the last thing he thinks about before he goes to sleep at night, just like he's on mine?
Why can't that one person look at me the way I look at him?
For once, just once, I want to know what it feels like to be someone's priority.
To be as important to him, as he is to me.
For once, I want to know that feeling when I look up to him to find him already looking at me, with that sparkle in his eyes. And that mischief in his smile when I 'catch him red-handed'.. I want to know how it feels like to have him look at me the way I've been looking at him. I too, want to know the feeling of blushing away into his gaze..
I want to know that feeling, when he acts like a star-struck 5 year old kid, everytime he sees me decked up in a good outfit, and complements me on it..
I too, want to know how it feels like, to receive a surprise text saying how he was thinking of me all the time and that I couldn't leave his mind, at the end of a tiring day..
I want to know that 'cute-sy' feeling, when I'm having a 24 hour emergency duty, and he texts saying he knows about my schedule and that he wishes it goes fine, and that I get to sleep at night...
To get a reply to my texts the moment they're delivered..
To look at him while he's busy with his phone or some other trivial thing, and rest assured that that beautiful being of a human, is all mine. And not worry or rather , stress about the fact that he'll be gone away in a matter of time..
For once, I don't want to worry about how I won't be able to see him with someone else, and to think of ways to cope with that fact, and also, mend my broken heart.. For once, I don't want to end up in tears everytime this thought crosses my mind..
I want to know how it feels like, when he genuinely smiles at me, the same way, the he had, when I'd first met him..
I want to know, that 'electrifying' feeling, which people so confidently boast of, every time our hands accidently touch..
To have the freedom, which I once thought I had, to talk to him about anything and everything under the sky. To have the freedom of having my fingers entwined in his, as we go on a walk. I want to know, how it feels like, to have the freedom of running my fingers through his hair, to mess them up all the more..
For once,I want to know how it feels like, to be someone's centre of attention, to be his centre of attention..
For once, just once, I want to know how it feels like, to be loved back in return..
