It's almost the year end, and everyone is busy reminiscing this year..
Well, I am,too!
2016 has been the most whirlwind of a year. Right from the beginning.
Getting done with final year undergrad exams, to getting it's results - finally being able to attach the most noble prefix of 'Dr' to my name, and earning my very 1st salary, though it's called a 'stipend', and the amount is not really noteworthy!
Met new people. Made new friends. Got back to my 1st love - badminton. Played some real kickass badminton, AND lost that stubborn weight!
And in all this process, found that one person.
I'd actually met him last year. During Diwali. And when I'd met him, he didn't really seem like a stranger. I'd met him for the 1st time, but he seemed to be known. Like I've known him before..
Got to actually interact with him, this year. I don't know what to call it - but my final year results were out on his birthday. And it was on that day, that I interacted with him for the 1st time..
Met him at the place where I've met the two most important people that my undergrad college gave me. So sparks were ought to fly! And how!
I kept my distance from him at the beginning.. But then, there are these people you meet, you know. Though you're meeting them for the 1st time, it doesn't really seem like it. They're supposed to be strangers to you, but they don't seem to be.. Known strangers, may be? Meeting them, feels like you were supposed to meet them. Like you have been waiting for them to come into your life..
And the moment you meet, even if it's been hardly an hour since you've met them, they seem familiar. Like the two of you are connected at some level, may be through past lives? But you feel that string attaching you both. One look into their eyes, and you feel safe. You feel home. Like all this time, they're the place you've been searching for. They fill a void you didn't know that existed. They're your safe house.
He, was my safe house.
And in the beginning, everything was merry. All good. No worries, no sorrows. But then, the calm before the storm looks like that too. Doesn't it?
One incident.
And everything changed. Every. Thing.
It's funny how, someone whom you thought will always be there for you, abandoned you. Just like that. Without any prior warning, without any intimation, without any notice. Walked away. From that place, from your life.. And along with them, they took you away..
And all that is left of you, is a mere shadow of what you once were.
And as if that hurt wasn't enough, they return. And get your hopes up. Like you start waking up from the dead. Start feeling again.. And when you begin to think that nothing can go wrong again, it does. And how. That one person, who you thought you connected the most with, stabs you with words that bleed you out.
And the worst part?
You don't hate him for treating you that way. You can't. You just can't bring yourself to hate him. Because he, is after all, your safe house. And you know, you'll always go back to him. Even after all this time.
And I feel, it's alright.
It's alright to STILL love him.
Because sometimes, you fall in love with someone for all the wrong reasons, and even after all the hurt he caused you, you still love him...And even though you know you shouldn't, you do. And always will..Because there is a very small numberof people in this entire universe, who 'get' you, for reasons you cannot explain, even when they shouldn't..
It's alright, to feel lonely on some nights, even after being surrounded by people who love you.
It's alright to remember that one incident, and wish with everything that you are, you have, that you could somehow undo it. It's alright to not be able to control your tears everytime that memory plays before your eyes.
It's alright to grieve the loss of someone who is still very much alive. To ask him to come back. To want him back. To melt everytime you get a glimpse of that magical pair of eyes.. To be unable to control your smile everytime your phone screen lights up with his name. To fall in love with him, a little bit more, everytime he smiles.. Even if he treats you like you do not exist.
It's alright to cry at nights, when they get a little bit darker when memories of your time spent with him return to haunt you..
It's alright, to fake a smile, and pretend that everything is fine.
It's also alright to give that up. Because pretending can be exhausting too. It's alright to breakdown when you get tired of pretending. It's alright to not be strong everytime. Because, sometimes, being weak has its own kind of solace. And it's completely alright to show that you, are vulnerable too. Showing your raw vulnerability is it's own kind of strength. Because that simply means you are human.
It's alright to look at him with a longing gaze everytime you meet him. Shows that what you feel for him, is real. And it's also fine that you display off your raw emotions to him. To confess it to him what he means to you.. To let him know how much he means to you. Because how long can you have it all bottled up within you?
And even after all this time, it's fine to get yourself broken. Again and again. Because, it's human nature to give our heart in the hands of that one person, who will crush it into pieces, every time. And you'd still give it to him.
And it's completely fine, to wish upon the moon and the stars, on 11:11, and on everything else that grants wishes - wishing him to be yours. To have that tiny piece of hope that keeps you going everyday, that may be, one day, he will change his mind. May be one day, he will be yours.
And even if the circumstances, the situations and the people around you say it otherwise, it's still fine to stand by your hope, against them all. To believe, that you too, will get your happy ending.
Because sometimes, just sometimes; the universe conspires against you. And it's alright, to not agree with it.
