To be or not to be? (Book #1)

Chapter 9

Ashley spent the next few weeks avoiding Tyler as best she could, and ignoring his sad gazes when she did see him. It hurt to lose him as a friend more than it hurt her to lose him as a potential boyfriend, but she was fighting to be okay. People mostly tried to keep their distance from her, because she wouldn't talk about what happened and she was irritable. Alex was the only one who kept trying after 2 and a half weeks of Ashley being down in the dumps. Everyone else gave her much needed space, but he wouldn't. Every day he would meet her after she was done with cheer practice and drive her home, trying to cheer her up the whole way. It helped, but as soon as Ashley got into the empty house, sorrow flooded into her heart again and she would let a few tears fall before composing herself and doing something at home to take her mind off of everything. Finally, Thanksgiving rolled around and she found herself at home with her mother from Wednesday until Sunday, a nice, long weekend where she didn't have to worry about seeing Tyler and she could spend time with her mom. But soon, her mother as gone and her long weekend was over, and she was back to avoiding everybody and riding home with Alex every day.

Only one more week until break. She thought to herself as she walked into the school one Monday morning, not ready to face Tyler, or the day. She realized he was standing at her locker when she got through the sea of people, and turned around to walk away but a hand grabbed hers before she could. She spun around.

"What, Ty?" She snapped, scolding herself for calling him 'Ty." He looked shocked as a flash of sadness passed through his eyes, then quickly went away.

"Um.. I just wanted to talk to you." He said, seeming to forget what he was going to say. Ashley raised her eyebrows, as if to say 'talk here'. 

"Listen, Ashley, I'm so sorry about what happened between us. I really do care about you more than I even know how to say... But it's obvious that you don't feel the same way." Tyler said.

"The sad part is that I actually did until you screwed everything up." Ashley snapped at him. She couldn't handle being around him, it just made her want to forgive him and kiss him and go back to the way things were. But she knew she would never be able to trust him again. She suddenly became very aware that his hand was still holding hers. She yanked her hand away quickly.

"I know! I know I screwed everything up. I know that you let me in and I ruined it. The sad part about that is that I don't even have a good reason why. I was just drunk and stupid. But you can't hate me if I move on, Ashley, okay? I've gotta move on. It's hurting too much to know that I love you and you'll never love me back." Tyler looked like he didn't really mean it, that he didn't actually 'want to move on'. His face twisted from the pain that was obviously coursing through his heart. His eyes begged for her forgiveness, for her understanding. He wanted so badly to reach out for her, to take her in his arms, but he couldn't stand knowing that she would just reject him, so he stayed where he was, watching her eyes as they clouded in confusion. He could tell she was torn, that she wanted him, but that she couldn't forgive him.

"I understand, Ashley. I understand that you can't forgive me." Tyler said. Ashley nodded, unable to speak, and Tyler walked away. Ashley sighed and leaned against her locker, the bell going off, startling her. She sighed again and headed towards her classroom, and the long day ahead of her.

~.~.~

"Hey, pal." Alex said, throwing his arm around her shoulders and they walked out towards his car. The cold December air hit Ashley like needles, causing her to shiver. Alex's grip tightened on her. She didn't want to think about how much she loved feeling his arm around her, but she couldn't help it. Her heart was beating faster as she leaned into his chest, trying to get some warmth from his body.

"How are you doing today?" Alex asked. Ashley shrugged.

"I talked to him today." She said.

"What? Why?" Alex asked.

"Cause, he wanted to, I guess. He just told me he had to move on and that he understood that I can't forgive him." Ashley said. Alex nodded slowly, spotting something in the parking lot that he knew Ashley wouldn't want to see. It was Brianna and Tyler, holding hands, heading to his car. He quickly turned so she wouldn't see.

"What? Where are we going? The parking lot is that way." Ashley said, sliding out of Alex's grip and turning to look at the parking lot. She realized what Alex was trying to protect her from pretty quickly, and surprisingly, it didn't hurt. She was confused, waiting for any feeling at all to wash over her, but nothing did.

"I'm sorry Ashley." Alex said, noticing her staring with a weird expression on her face. Ashley looked at him, a smile playing at her lips.

"It's fine. I don't care anymore." She said. Alex was confused.

"Well, if it makes you feel better, Brianna is a slut." He said, thinking she was lying and that he would make her feel better.

"Well then they're perfect for each other." Ashley said. She laughed out loud, happy that seeing Tyler and Brianna together didn't bother her one bit. She hadn't realized it until now, but she was finally over him.

"Are you okay? You're acting weird." Alex said.

"How?" Ashley wondered.

"Usually people don't laugh when they see their ex with someone else." Alex said.

"He wasn't my boyfriend. I'm over it anyway. Honestly, Alex, I don't care anymore." Ashley said, smiling again at her discovery. Alex half-smiled at her.

"Good. I'm glad to hear it." He said. They walked the rest of the way to Alex's car and sat down onto the cold leather seats.

"It's freezing in here!" Ashley exclaimed. She could "see her breath" in the air when she talked. She rubbed her hands together while Alex just laughed at her and started up the car. They rode to Ashley's house in silence, Ashley shivering violently, and Alex shooting questioning glances at her every so often. She knew he wanted to know more details about her epiphany about Tyler, but she honestly didn't have any. When the car finally warmed up, Ashley turned the heat up full blast, her shivering soon subsiding.

"Okay, that's enough." Alex joked, turning the heat down after a while.

"What! No, it was just warming up in here!" Ashley said, turning it back up.

"No way, Ash, I'm sweating." Alex said, turning it down again. Ashley rolled her eyes.

"Well you're always sweating." She said, folding her arms across her chest.

"Cause I'm just so hot." Alex said, winking at her. She rolled her eyes at him again, deciding not to respond with 'I know'. When they got to Ashley's house, Alex put the car in park and Ashley suddenly reached out, taking his hand. He looked startled for a moment and then relaxed. They looked at each other for a second until Ashley finally spoke.

"Thanks for being there for me these past few weeks. I really needed that." She said softly, so grateful to him for everything he had done for her the past month. He smiled at her.

"No problem, pal." He said. She let go of his hand and left, thanking him for the ride home, and rushing into the house and out of the cold. She closed the door behind her and shuddered, wishing she could just get the courage to tell him how she felt. But she knew she could never do it. He was too perfect, and she had too many problems to try and force him to deal with them all. She realized that she would always have to settle, and the thought of that brought the pain back all over again.