Little thoughts drawn out of proportion

Finding contentedness in solitude

(12/16/16)
11:36pm
[December 16th 2016]

When I first started walking a nature based spiritual path, I had no idea of the things that were ahead of me. My lifestyle before paganism would have allowed me to focus more on my future than on the present, but when I first strolled down the new path I created for myself, I thought I was prohibited from thinking of the future and holding onto the past. I tried forcing myself to think only of the present. "The future holds bridges that cannot be crossed until you arrive to them." I told myself. "You must focus only on the bridges that you are crossing now."

Now that it's been several months (I think 8 or 9?) since I've become pagan, I realize that it was silly of me to think that. In fact, I wish I had focused at least a little bit more on my future. That way, I could've prepared myself. The bridges you cross now can only help you cross the next bridges if you understand how they work together. Your present and your future work together. You are free to chose your actions in the present, but you are not free to chose the consequences of those actions in the future.

But because I had not prepared for the near future, I wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. Frankly, what was the 'near future' in the past is now my present. I have lost plenty of friends, and I've not gained many more. One of the friends I lost was the one who was technically walking this path with me. Truthfully, I don't think she really did trudge through my trails. She said she did and convinced me and herself that she was dedicated to paganism, but she wasn't really. She bought her own grimoire and a few candles, and meditated maybe once a month every full moon. In a good month, she'd have done it twice. She had a small altar overtaken by succulents and wiccan symbols on her window cill, but she did not do much with it.

Paganism is deeply complicated, and although we may have been (supposedly) walking the same path, it certainly wouldn't have affected us the same way. But one thing it would have definitely done for the both of us is change who we are. Especially meditation. Meditation requires a somewhat decent amount of self-discipline and commitment, especially if you're doing it for long periods of time (as a lot of wiccans do during the full moon). I, at the very least, committed to meditating at least 10 minutes every night when I first started. After doing it for several weeks, I noticed a deep change in the way I looked at the world. After all that time to think deeply about things with only myself, I had a different perspective. I began to see most governments as corrupt, and most animals as friends. I saw quite a few people who were brainwashed by celebrity gossip/'news,' processed and chemical infused foods/personal care products, fluoride contaminated water (which I am victim to as well) and world leaders who claim that constructing oil pipelines is good for the environment (I'm looking at you, Justin Trudeau.) But she however, at least as far as I can tell, remained exactly the same.

I became more empathetic and more generous towards other people. It was both a strength and a weakness of mine. While these qualities made me a reliable person, they also made it easier for other people to push me around. Mostly, they pushed me around with double standards. That was a time where I was forgetting to take more care of myself than of other people.

This girl who claimed to walk the wiccan path with me however, did not change. And yes, she is also one who pushed me around using double standards. She blew me off multiple times. Even when we planned weeks ahead for when we would hang out, if something else came up that day she was quick to run for it. The few times that I was successful, it was on the condition that I would have to buy her something. But she and I both knew for a fact that if she had ever invited me to do something with her, I would always say yes. Of course I would say yes. She's my friend, and I thought I was hers. I believed we held each other to the same standard but apparently we did not.

It came to a point where only a few days ago that I felt nothing more than used. I blocked her on my phone and my social media; I did not want to deal with her. My spiritual path is teaching me that I must lose those who I feel are not adequate with me. I must let go, forgive and move on from the people who do not serve my life in a positive manner. And that is just what I tried doing after isolating myself from her for a few days. But eventually I decided I was being petty. I did not have to cut her off completely from my life, but just enough so that I could feel whole. So that I could feel at peace with myself again at the very least. And so I unblocked her, and even had a short conversation with her this morning.

But it was at that point that I noticed the only friends I did have left were the ones who I rarely saw. One of those friends is aboriginal, and she recently began a cultural process called 'the berry fast.' A brief explanation is that she can't eat any sort of berry for a year, and she starts the fast by being isolated from the outside world for 8 days. The cultural significance has something to do with being declared as a woman. Because she just began this today, I had not seen or spoken to her at all. One of my longtime friends moved to Germany this year. I'm seeing her in 8 short days, as she's coming home for the holidays. But then she is leaving again, back to an entirely different continent. A blonde girl who I recently befriended is soon moving all the way to Australia. Not permanently; it's only for about six months. But even though we've only recently met in person for the second time, I know that I will miss her.
One of my best friends lives in Missouri , USA (where as I live in Ontario, Canada). I've never met her in person, but we do talk as often as we can. My bandmate just moved to a different city this year for college.

It was today during lunch whilst I was eating alone that I even realized I was lone. Usually I was able to find someone to sit with and to talk to. But after cutting off so many people from my life, I felt lost. Where do I go? Where do I sit? With whom do I sit? Do I look pathetic sitting here alone? Even if I didn't look that pathetic, I surely did feel pathetic. But during my pitiful loneliness, I had an epiphany. I was putting too much of my life and joy into the hands of other people. I relied on others too profoundly, and I was not as good friends with myself as much as I thought.

And so I appreciated that lunch break with only me, myself and I. I took that time to study Latin (which I'm teaching to myself the best I can), I practiced writing in Futhark runes and I continued reading a book I recently took from the school library. Was I still lonely? Yes. But it didn't bother me anymore. I could sit alone and enjoy my own company rather than loath it. At the end of the day, I felt somewhat accomplished.

I told the Phony-wiccan that I was not giving her any gifts for the solstice. I don't know if I'm truly following through with that, But I suppose that despite my new-found bitterness to this saying, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.