hurt: laying here

hurt

it hurts you,
smoking cigarettes.
i see it in your face.
i watch it in your finger tips.
i can't do anything about it.

-

reminiscing in your last touch to find comfort:
lips placed on my forehead,
sometimes just a brush to the shoulder,
to signify that you're going.

pressing your lips to my temple,
a grip on my neck,
lips to my wrist,
before your back is turned to me.
my feet laying in the mattress,
as yours find solace on the carpet.

your warmth is gone.
pulling myself tighter into the blankets,
shirt ridden up, jeans at the edge of the bed,
chills rise in the the places where your body was,
where you were holding me.

-

there's a mirror,
directly in front of you,
holding your reflection:
a sixteen year old boy,
forced to mimic your actions,
trapped by your addiction,
unable to live any other life.

so you don't look at yourself,
when you roll them.
you haphazardly shove the leaves in,
fingers twitching,
breathing steadily increasing;
hoping it won't take any longer than it has to.

-

you ask me why i don't stop you.

you'll inevitably do what your body,
what your mind,
needs.

me trying to help you,
will only hurt me more,
when you go to her anyways.

-

i know it hurts you.
i notice the way you exhale,
when you walk onto the balcony,
and i don't follow.
i see the aggravation in your movement.

shoulders sink and paces become quicker,
chapped lips are bitten before a clenched jaw.
you pull your sleeves down,
covering your hands to your knuckles,
a juvenile way of shielding yourself
from your inevitable destruction.

-

i won't leave you because of this;
i just don't know how to deal with it.

-

you were so proud of yourself.
milestones of days, weeks, and months,
gone without her.
i think that's why i am the way i am about it.

i've known the innocence of a life without her.
your genuine smile and self appreciation,
you, so proud of yourself,
will never escape my mind.
it's my addiction.

-

i smell the smoke wafting in,
encasing me like your body once did.
wrapped in your sheets,
facing the other direction now,
my eyes have glazed over,
watching the television,
without watching the television,
forcing myself to not look out the window.

-

i'm not upset with you;
i know why you do it.

-

as soon as the door slides open,
the bed dips.
i smell you before i feel you.
the traces of tobacco give me chills,
like it's another girls perfume.
her,

she hurts you.

-

laying underneath the blankets,
hoodie removed once more,
you turn my body back to the way it was;
arms replaced to find warmth again,
because you're much colder now;
the december air having just held you,
while the blankets held me.

you're shaking, almost unnoticed,
but i feel it when you touch my cheeks.
i feel your rapid heartbeat on my back,
empowering the steadiness of mine.
your grip tightens;
my body continuously pulled,
closer and closer towards you.

-

i smell her, she stains my senses.
she's on your breath next to my ear,
in your hair on our pillow,
holding your hands that lay on my cheeks,
clothing your body intertwined with mine.

you aren't mine, you're hers.
and you're touching me,
yet, you belong to her.

-

the reality of the intimacy pulls me out of my daze.
you're kissing me;
i'm kissing her.

i like kissing her,
she is addictive.
she is familiar.
but before long her taste has dissipated,
and i'm left with just you,
even more addictive.
i belong to you.

-

you hurt me.

i welcome the pain.
i can't watch her tear you apart,
not without deserving pain for not stopping her.
i deserve to be hurt,
because i don't try to save you.

-

wearing even less,
i'm much warmer now.
wrapped in the daze of your body and blankets,
she's left my mind.
we're alone again.

head on your chest,
the rise and fall combined with your pulse,
reminds me that she can't have moments like this.
she can't touch the veins in your hands,
nor can she pull the knots from your hair;

but she can feel your heartbeat,
and she can control it.
she can feel the rise and fall of your chest,
and she can control it.

but she doesn't love you.
she only hurts you.
and you hurt me because of this.