Dear Hazel,

Day 1 - Born to die.

Wow, Today was shit. Not going to lie, school really sucks and my effort today was 0%. I was woken up from my short sleep by my parents who made me go back today and to be honest, I hate it. School was pretty rubbish, at the beginning of school i was on my own for about 20 minutes but for the first 5, I walked around school for a while. I felt eyes burning into me as I walked past a group of kids in the year below me, gosh they’re annoying. I highly dislike most kids at my school, I wish I could just get away but i’d never bunk.. I met my friends trying to be as chirpy as possible but that didn’t last amazingly well. At break I sat in silence, just daydreaming and thinking of my hatred for myself. I’m not bullied or anything even though every now and then you hear a little nasty comment but that’s life, I just truly hate myself with a passion. I make myself feel alone, worthless, ugly, fat, selfish, rude, annoying and I could go on but the list would be endless. I’ve told my mum but she kinda brushed it off like it was nothing.

At lunch was when I told my best friend Gloria about my feelings for myself, I mean she already knew I was depressed and self harmed but I had one last thing to release from this prison of a mind. I told her of how everything was getting worse, I couldn’t count how many times i’ve cut myself and I finally told her of my suicidal thoughts. This was when I and herself started crying together. She told me she knew she couldn’t do anything and she didn’t know what to say which is understandable. I mean, if I was never suicidal or self harmed, I wouldn’t have a clue what to do or say. I also asked her if she thought I should tell someone else and she said yes but to be careful with who I told. I told my boy best friend Corey who didn’t have much to say either, the only thing he doesn’t know now is my suicidal thoughts.

‘Depression is a side effect of dying’ (The fault in our stars - John Green) and it’s true, we all die one day but some of us wish for the day to come sooner, such as myself. You may wonder why, how I got into this mess, etcetera… But I shall answer this question for you. (1) I dislike school where I spend a lot of my time, I feel dark, empty and lonely. As some would say, I feel a bit more dead than alive. (2) I got into depression when I was very young, 12/13 to be exact. I cried hysterically because I liked a guy who bullied me with his friends and I had also had an argument with my friends (who at the time had threatened to beat me up). This is when I first self harmed and I didn’t do it again until the end of November 2013 actually but I have been depressed every year since year 7, it’s kinda stupid I guess but I feel internal pain an awful lot I suppose. I don’t really know if you want to know anything else so yeah.

I put on fake smiles for my family as they are the ones who make me eat. I’ve started skipping lunch at school but buying a drink so it looks like i ate. My parents are kinda annoying, they’re in the middle of totally caring and not, it’s so stupid. I really tired because I went to sleep at 3AM this morning and my mum complains that she doesn’t get enough sleep when she got probably more sleep than me. My parents are kinda strict, they don’t let me go too many places or do much, they’re like “but we don’t care when you’re 18!” like how stupid is that? I mean who knows, I might not live until I’m 18…

I don’t really know what else to talk about now so I’ll tell you about my friends and stuff.. Earlier I mentioned Gloria as my best friend, I trust her with everything, everything I’ve ever done, everything that’s happened, she knows. She’s blonde and gorgeous.

Then, there’s my boy best friend, Corey, He’s gay and he trusts me with a lot. He is really lovely and funny and tries to stay happy all the time. He’ll always try to make me laugh.

Then there’s Pippa and Cara, they’re best friends and they’re extremely similar. They both have brown hair and are both pretty. They talk about each other behind their backs and share everything together (no trust in those girls). Pippa has an obsession with talking to loads of guys at the same time and dating for about a week but Cara on the other hand, takes a slower approach.

Maya is my Indian best friend and she’s really pretty. She has the longest hair ever and her family are lovely! She’s a really respectful girl. I also have a good friend Monica who is Czechoslovakian. She is beautiful with tanned skin and blonde hair, she pulls guys quite easily. Libby is one of the loveliest girls ever, she is really pretty and has a really nice figure, she has a really nice smile and personality too. Natalie is the only friend I’ve never met and I met her because of one direction. She is my Scottish twin and I’m her English twin, we fangirl together and everything! She’s awesome.

Jacob is this guy I kinda like… I’ve never met him but he goes to the local boys grammar. He unfortunately knows my ex who could be saying anything behind my back as far as I know. I really like Jacob but I had a bit of a go at him which I’ll explain later and we haven’t been talking for a while which isn’t fun because he make me smile like a crazy person and I told him everything, I hope that we’ll be ok again soon… I miss him.

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Thanks for reading, I hope you liked day 1! Expect more like this soon, it’s awesome to write. Once again, this is all real apart from the fake names.

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