Constellations Of A Dreamer

4

'Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom' - Aristotle

I read it over and over again, trying to grasp what messages it held, the framed quote was hung on my bedroom wall, the walls a colour of cream, not even a vibrant one but the kind of colour that looks like a muted grey. It was my favourite quote, because I was still trying understand what Aristotle meant by 'knowing yourself', it was on my wall because it confused me but called me, drawing me in and made me think. It was quarter past five in the afternoon, the sun radiated from behind the clouds, creating a stencil of the pattered window nets to form on the wall, the only word I could think of to describe what was in front of my eyes was 'pretty' and I laughed, wondering why I couldn't think of any other words at that moment, but that's what it was, simply and incredibly pretty.

'Samara, come down and say hi' my mother called me and I felt heavy with despair realising that I'd have to introduce myself to people I haven't seen in over a year.

I crept down the stairs, avoiding the 5th stair that always creaked, the house I lived in was old and bare, me and my mother moved in after my father got his new job, we moved so we were closer to him, even though it was still miles away, but it still meant he had to travel less, he worked in a hotel and he visited every 6 months or so, it was okay.

The house lights were switched on and the living room erupted with laughter, consuming every part of this wooden house. 'Samara, is that you?' I realised my shadow could be seen from the living room and kicked myself mentally, cringing at the thought that the people in there including my mother knew that I was standing there, listening.

I walked in slowly and was met with bashful stares, there were only two people there, Mrs. Lander and her son, Alastair Lander, my thoughts were running wild, they were my neighbours, and I hadn't seen them in over a year.

'Oh, my, Samara, my dear, sit down, it's been so long, away from home and your mother, how are you feeling?'

All these questions were asked before I even sat down, I looked towards my mother, but she just looked back at me, shooting daggers with her eyes, I turned to Lander, and the other Lander and gave them my best fake smile 'I'm well' I didn't want to ask any more questions but I managed to say 'how are you?.' even though I didn't care.

I sat there in the living room for what seemed to be an hour, mainly focusing my gaze on the floor or the window that looked out to the road, and more houses lined up together, and throughout it all I could feel the heaviness of the stares Alastair threw at me every once in a while, he spoke a lot, more than I expected. Last I remember of him he barely spoke at all and also he stopped wearing glasses, I vaguely remembered him telling my mother he wears contacts now, he was intelligent, and graduated from one of the top universities in the UK, he had definitely become taller in the one year I hadn't seen him, we barely talked anyway.

He rolled his shirt sleeves up, and lightly tapped his back pocket as if making sure he hadn't lost something. After the one 1 hour was up, I excused myself and walked out to the front of the house, it was still chilly, but the sun was still out, so I walked towards the gate and just stood there, watching anything and anyone, the family that lived across from me were on vacation, so it was bare and empty, the elderly couple who used to throw their rubbish on the road were instead watering their flowers. Cars drove by but never parked, it was empty, and this is why I had to leave, to feel something other than emptiness, and look at me now, running back to the emptiness that I despised because I despised tight packed streets and the smell of gas from thousands of cars even more.

'It's been a while' Alastair walked up to where I was and stood beside me, not too close, but close enough that I could smell the cologne he was wearing.

I didn't reply, and just kept staring ahead, I was bad at small talk, and I most certainly didn't want to talk about useless things. I could see movements from the corner of my eyes, but dared not look at what he was doing. I heard 1, 2, 3 clicks, and before I knew it there was white smoke around me.

He was smoking, and inhaling the smoke into my lungs made me want to vomit, it smelt and tasted absolutely horrible.

'Stop it, what are you doing?'

I turned towards him but took several steps back. He seemed unfazed at my reaction. 'What do you think I'm doing genius, I'm smoking' I rolled my eyes at his comment.

'Don't smoke on my property' I crossed my arms, and gave him a cold stare.

'Why?'

'Because it's disgusting, oh my-' but I was cut off due to the smoke once again travelling towards me. I started walking back towards the house.

'Okay, Okay, stop, I'll stop smoking here'

I looked back and watched him throw the half of the cigarette that was still left onto the ground and he stomped over it, crushing it under his feet. I looked down at the crushed thing. 'Pick it up and throw it in the bin'

'What's your problem Sam, gone for a year, and you come back acting like you're the boss around here'

How dare he, I walked straight up to him, I was so close we almost touched, he was tall but that didn't matter, I stared him right in his boring blue eyes and said 'I am the boss around here, when my mother isn't aware of what's going on, I am, I told you not smoke on my damn property, and you have to nerve to leave the cigarette butt in front of my house.'

He was about to speak but before he could I said 'I don't care if you graduated from a top university, I don't care if you have millions saved in your bank, I don't fucking care if you don't care about the feelings of others around you, but one thing is for sure, don't you dare come into another person's home and disrespect it and the people in it' I felt as though my face were red from anger and I knew my voice was loud, almost as though I were shouting at him, I looked him in the eyes and he stared back, not even flinching, then he blinked and he looked away from me. He had a expression on his face that was hard to read 'Look Sa-'

'What are you two doing outside, come on, come inside' my mother looked at us for about five seconds before walking back in. Before walking back towards my house I turned back to him 'one more thing, don't call me Sam' I turned my back to him and heard his footsteps follow, I walked up the stairs while he walked to the living room.

It was 30 minutes later that I heard the Landers leave the premises, I looked out of the window and watched them walk away, Alastair stopped when he came to the gate, he crouched down and picked something up, before walking away he looked up to my window and saw me, in a fit of panic at being caught I quickly closed the curtains, but was pretty sure I saw a smile form on his lips. I peeked through the curtains one last time and saw him throwing what he picked up into the bin, then I realised it was the crushed cigarette he picked up and threw into the bin.

I was not attracted to him, that was for sure, he was too arrogant from his speech and perspective, and I wondered just how I was going to avoid him for the next few months.

                                                                              ***

It was 2:30am and my mind was replaying events in my life that had already happened, events that ruined me and events that made me who I am, it was almost agonising thinking about my life in secret, especially when it was preventing me from sleeping. I looked towards the ceiling and formed shapes of stars, and galaxies, I imagined the darkness of my room to be the darkness of space, I was floating in a place a solitude, the stars were bright and clear and I slowly closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.