Honey

Part 2

School. Today. 

My mom shakes me awake. I stumble out of bed and get a glimpse of myself. My hair is in a bun, my eyes puffy and still lined with black from several nights before. I pull off my clothes and discard them in the corner, pulling on a turtleneck sweater and jeans that are too large for me. I belt them at the waist and put on chunky black boots. I put a notebook and a pen in my bag and then leave my room. "Breakfast?" my mom asks (like we have any).

"I'll get something on the way," I lie. She nods and I grab my coat from the closet. 

"Wait," she says as I'm about to leave. I stop and turn around. "Are you okay?"

"Fine."

"Maybe you should put on some makeup. You look like..."

Death. I smile grimly, "I'll see you later mom." On the other side of the front door I pull out a tube of lipstick and swipe it on my mouth, my hand shaking. I walk to Will's house and wait by the garage. He comes out the back door carrying his gym bag with him. 

"Hey, babe," he says. 

I watch him coolly. "Can I get a ride?"

"Thought you were coming over last night."

"It got late. I got tired," I lie. In truth, I spent the whole night staring at myself in the mirror. The same question ran through my head for hours. Who is this? "Can I get a ride?"

"Sure. Hop in." I climb in the passenger seat of his Jeep and he pulls out of the garage. I like the way Will drives. It's fast and a little reckless, but he never gets caught and he never gets in accidents. He zips around a corner and down another block. Our school glowers ominously at the end of the street. It's an ugly building like a stack of children's blocks all together. Will pulls into the student parking lot and pulls into his spot. 

"Thanks," I mutter and get out, walking hastily towards the entrance. Will stays a few feet behind me and it's like we don't know each other at all.  My heart beats just a little faster entering the building and making my way up the stairs. I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here. Maybe I should skip first period. Who would blame me?

I'm consumed in my thoughts when I bump into him. "Juliet," he says. "You're back."

"I'm back," I repeat.

"Good."

"Yeah, good." I feel stupid. But I also feel nothing. Nate looks at me with pity and I hate him for it. "I have to get to my first period."

"Yeah, I've got to get to my class too. But, Juliet, talk to me after school?" his voice lowers at the end. 

I nod and hurry on down the hallway. First period is Physics. I hate Physics. I hate the stuffy teacher at the front of the class in his tweed coat and New Balance shoes. I hate the way he looks at me like I'm volatile, a volcano waiting to erupt. Shoulda skipped. 

I draw in my notebook and don't look up. Girls offer me looks of sympathy. They say sorry for my loss. They give me hugs. Fuck hugs. Fuck girls who think "thank god my life isn't like hers". Boys don't try to touch me like they usually do. There's no hands on the small of my back. No touches of the hand or thigh. They don't try to crack jokes in my direction hoping for my chuckle. Fuck them for that too. 

In my mind, I imagine an asteroid hurdling towards Earth and scorching the school, turning it into a pile of rubble with piles of bodies that were once known by name, but are too destroyed to identify. The bell rings and I slip out before everyone else. I skip second period and hang out in the east stair well where no one goes. I don't listen to music or draw, I just sit and stare at the wall. If I were home, I could sleep, but instead I'm here. She never got to ditch class. Period three rolls around and I drag myself up the stairs and to history. I like history. Maybe because I morbidly like to think about the histories of all of these long dead corpses in the ground. Amazing people reduced to ash or dirt. It makes me laugh.