Mistful Summer (BxB)

S1 • A Different Us #15 •

Yandel Pov:

"Amerie - All I Have" played through my head phones as I made my way down the main school hall. These past two days so much has crossed my mind. Josh was standing by the door with his group of friends as we made eye contact. He stepped to the side making room for me as I looked back down at my phone walking pass him.

I've played with my own emotions far too long. I've managed to turn myself into the cliché I ask others not to be. Being foolish thinking I had the might to change a person to love me the way I love myself. Josh name popped up at the top of my screen as I ignored the message walking into the cafeteria. His name popped up again as I ignored the message again putting my phone into my pocket as I felt someone yank the string from my backpack.

"Come here" he demanded as his jaws were clinched together. I didn't bother to speak back as I followed him into the boys basketball gym. "Two days ago you were fine, we talked about some real shit and now you're back to ignoring me, wassup? I'm not feeling this at all" he slightly yelled blocking me between the door.

"Josh, I don't know what you want from me. I've giving you me, my heart, my home, my future and you basically told me you didn't want that. You lied to me, the week you first came over you looked me in my eyes and told me to let you in, to trust you with my heart and I did, just for you to drop me on my head. What more do you want from me josh? I've giving you all I have" I sighed as I dried my face pulling away from him as he tried to hold my hand.

"Yandel, yan. . . "He yelled out as I walked out the gym to the main building door. Drying my face with my shirt as I headed towards the bus ramp gate. I just need time alone, time to control the emotions I would soon have to loose. I could hear foot steps pacing towards me as josh rand up on the side of me breathing hard.

"Alright look" he softly said putting his hand on my chest stopping me from walking as he stood in front of me. "You know I'm not good with this shit bro" he groaned out. He stopped talking as a group of girls passed by smiling at him. I rolled my eyes walking pass him as he aggressively pulled me back. "Stop fucking walking away from me" he said poking my chest.

"I'm not good with all this touchy-feely shit, and I'm like dead ass trying with you yan, credit me some shit bae. You're acting as if I asked to break up, you've been real stand-off'ish, these pass two days and I don't like it" he groaned as I sighed looking away. "You want to do all this couple stuff that I don't know about, you know I've never been in a relationship and my first" he said pulling my face towards him.

"My first relationship is with a nigga, do you understand how hard this is Yandel? Do you understand how much I fear everyday. I wasn't raised like you bruh, gay niggas got beat up and talked down on 24/7 in my hood, do you know how it feels to be terrified?" He groaned looking at me as his breathing grew harder.

"Terrified?" I chuckled shaking my head. "Like you're the only one dealing with these issues. Here I am jumping into a political field of study as a gay man, do you know all that I have to face in front of me josh, I've lived my whole life hiding and pretending to be in charge, this badge, this status I have here is all a cover up. I'm exhausted, we all have self-issues to work on. Nobody is perfect you know that right."

"My parents have been in prison for six-teen years of my life, I'm the only child, I didn't have anyone to run too, I didn't have anyone to defend me in school, I didn't have that support. It's always just been me, pushing me to become the best man I can fucking be, and not once did I ever cry out for help. I figured the shit out to the best of my ability. Nigga I've been terrified my whole life" I groaned at him stepping closer.

"Now you don't have anything to say huh?" I yelled as another group of people walked passed us. Josh looked at me as if he wanted me to stop talk. "These people don't give a fuck about you, not me so why should I care about what they think? You can sit here and hid and be ashamed but I'm not anymore. I taking ownership of my own life, I'm through, I'm graduating in two month, I got a full ride scholarship to morehouse, can't nobody look at me and tell me to be ashamed of myself because I fucking made it. I MADE IT ALONE!" I yelled to his face as he started to turn red.

"So you live this life, and stay here and do what you were born to do. Hustling won't last forever, so I pray you find your purpose in life josh, I really do, I hope you find your happiness, somebody who will bring the best out of you because I know the man you can become. I seen him when you first told me you loved me, but you have to see him, you have to want to be that man, I'm done trying to make you be him, I can't do it anymore" I sighed looking up at the sky swallowing my pride.

"It's over josh" I mumbled still looking up as a tear hit my upper lip. "I can't do this josh, we can't move forward like this" I sobbed drying my face. "No, no" I said pushing him back as he grabbed me. "We're done" I mumbled drying my face walking passed him as he reached for my arm. I gently loosened his grip as the bell sounded walking away.