There's Always Tomorrow - AQ

Chapter 3:

Adrianne, for as much as she fought it, was already in love. She couldn't help it and even tried not to be, but she was. I guess it kind of helped that her gaydar went into overdrive when Quinn was around, but the blonde still wasn't admitting anything and Adrianne wasn't ready to push for that just yet. She may not have been the most patient... no, scratch that. She wasn't patient at all, but that still wasn't something you pushed someone into accepting. She just hoped to be around enough that once the blonde did accept it, so she could be there to support her and... other things. Still, the more time she spent helping Quinn, which was as much as she possibly could, it was getting harder and harder for her to resist.

Even now, six weeks after they met, Adrianne was having to busy her eyes on the computer screen before them to keep from staring at her secret crush. Or she at least hoped it was a secret crush. Adrianne had always prided herself on choosing girlfriends based on personality not just appearance, having been subject to 'You're pretty. Let's date. I don't care that we have nothing in common.' scenarios before. But Quinn was beautiful and she couldn't help but notice. There was an elegance to her, a grace, but somehow within all of that controlled movement, there was a peaceful, calmness to her presence. It was hypnotizing to the brunette.

However, being so wrapped in Quinn's presence gave Adrianne an even greater understanding of her. Quinn had always told her about her internal struggle between reliving what she's always known and letting herself be free to be herself, but Adrianne could even see the changes between the two now. It was in the eyes mostly. They were dead when she was restricting herself. But when she was free, they smiled at the world and made you smile with them. Seeing something as naturally beautiful as that occur and then fade away, left Adrianne just as frustrated with the blonde's indecision as Quinn was herself.

"I actually really like this one." Adrianne teased, pointing to a very unattractive face that one of the guests was making from their latest job. It had been the second wedding that they covered together.

"Well, that's why you take a lot of pictures. You're never going to capture everything you want in a single one. Each one shows something different. Whether that is an unflattering facial expression or that tiny, normally hidden expression of a truly touching emotion."

"You're deep, you know that?" Adrianne asked, turning to look at the side of her friend's face. "You should show that side of you more often."

Quinn was still lost in her survey of the photos, completely oblivious to the admiring gaze of the brunette. "Do you now? Because I think that people will just see me as a freak that they can't relate too."

"Their loss then. But a great gift for those who can. Why are you so caught up in what other people think anyway?"

The blonde took a deep breath and let it out slowly through her nose. "It's a habit and fear that I was raised with. You can get what you want as long as you appeal to the person that has it. But if you aren't what they want... it might as well be the end of the world."

"What about what you want?" Quinn snapped out of her daze and met Adrianne's eyes. "You say that you aren't happy, but you continue to do what doesn't make you happy, the very thing that you ran away from... why?" That was the question Quinn had been asking herself for so long but never bothered to answer. "What would make you happy? What is one thing you want that you don't think you're suppose to have?" Yeah... that's not pushing at all.

"I don't know." Quinn stated plainly, turning her attention back to the computer. She didn't even try to think about the question because she knew she would never try for whatever it was anyway.

"What about your photography? You said that this is your passion but do you really plan on making a living off of doing weddings and birthdays? What about making a portfolio portfolio of your other pictures? Why not submit them somewhere? Try and get published?"

"I don't know." She stated again, getting a bit aggravate. She didn't mind conversation, but this was treading on tender topics. Adrianne had zeroed in on an issue that Quinn was already beating herself up over and was going after it like an attack dog. Quinn didn't like being pushed but pushing was what Adrianne did best. Even if it did have unintentional repercussions. She only meant to help, but just hardly ever knew when to stop.

"I think you do know and you're just too scared. You've probably gone through your whole life just having things handed to you and now that you have to actually take your own steps, you're too scared."

Not hardly. "You know very little about me."

"Then tell me. For as much as you and I have talked these last few weeks, you're right, I don't really know anything about you. So tell me." Quinn shook her head, staring at the computer screen but not seeing anything that was on it. "Why not? What are you scared of? Letting someone in? You can't go through life alone, Quinn."

"Yes I can." She snapped, jumping up out of her seat and looking down on a surprised Adrianne. "I can and I have. I haven't needed anyone these last three years and I don't need anyone now. I've been alone and I've done just fine." She was expecting the brunette to be put off by her outburst and either apologize or leave, but Adrianne didn't do either.

She stood up and met Quinn's hard gaze with an unwavering one of her own. This woman didn't back down when she thought she was doing something right. "You are miserable. Lonely. Scared. You want someone, but for some reason you're too afraid to let anyone in."

"Because every time I do, I get hurt. I get hurt or I hurt them."

Adrianne shook her head, unable to see what the big deal was. "Everyone gets hurt, Quinn. I've been hurt and I will be hurt again, I'm sure. That's part of life. You can't shut everyone out without shutting out life. Why are you torturing yourself and causing yourself pain? Just trying to prevent small moments of hurt that may not even come for years? That's just stupid."

"Why do you even care?"

"Because I do. I care about you, whether you like it or not. I apparently care more about you than you do and I'm concerned as to why that is? Who has damaged you so much that you don't even feel worthy of having someone care about you?"

"Why are you pushing this so much?"

"Because apparently you need to be pushed. You're stuck in this spot and you seem content never to leave it without someone kicking you in the ass to do it."

Quinn was physically shaking under the stress of her emotions. There was anger there, but there was also the hurt she had never dealt with rising to the surface as well as part of her begging just to let Adrianne in. To let someone help her, let someone understand her. But she couldn't handle the pity. "Do you really want to know about me?"

"Yes." Adrianne nodded her head curtly.

"Fine. I'm a bitch. I am a cold, heartless, unfeeling bitch who is trying to change and the only way I can do that is but cutting people out."

"Then you care about them to push them away because of it and therefore aren't a cold-"

"No. I'm not cutting them out to spare them. I cut them out so I don't have to deal with them anymore. I left home and never looked back because I don't want to deal with it. I haven't even spoken to my own mother in three years. I haven't called on her birthday. I haven't called on Christmas. I changed my number so she can't even contact me. I left the day after graduation and didn't even tell my best friend where I was going to school. I left because I'm selfish."

"But you feel guilty for it."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do. I see it in your eyes. You are tearing yourself down because you feel guilty about what you're doing. You're hurting inside."

"I'm a disappointment. I'm never what anyone wants me to be."

"Then just be you. Stop trying to be what everyone else wants. So what if you can make yourself into what one person wants when you can't even be yourself."

"Because when I'm myself, no one wants me."

Adrianne shook her head. "I want you to be yourself. I want you to be happy and the only way you are going to do that is if you allow yourself to be content with who you are. You want to get over the past? Then let it go. Holding on to the guilt only keeps it around. Draw a line and step over it. Leave everything else behind. Find yourself, then deal with your past as a strong, self-confident woman."

Quinn kept her eyes away, looking at the ground across the room. Part of her was screaming to let this woman in, this woman she naturally felt so comfortable around. But part of her was screaming to run away and hide like she always did. It was more comfortable to run. She growled with her returning frustration from her internally struggle. "Why do you even care?"

"Because that's what I do." Adrianne answered back in an equally harsh tone. "I care about people. And I'm going to care about you whether you like it or not, so you might as well get use to the idea. You're stuck with me you damn masochist." Quinn pulled her head back quickly, losing some of her anger to confusion. "That's right. You enjoy pain, that has to be the only reason why you would continue to do it to yourself."

"I think you should leave." Quinn stated, grabbing the brunette's jacket off the back of her chair and handing it to her.

Adrianne snatched it from her hand. "Fine. When you feel like moving on with your life, give me a call." Adrianne had never met someone so stubborn before. She liked a challenge but Quinn was unmovable. There was a problem. The blonde saw the problem and the solution, but wouldn't even try to fix it.

Quinn watched as Adrianne walked out the dorm, slamming the door shut behind her. She turned around and pressed her fingers firmly to her forehead, willing herself not to cry. She was stronger than this. What good was crying going to do her? Her tears fell anyway when her mind screamed back 'but what good is staying where you are going to do you?'. She knew what she needed and what she wanted, she just couldn't allow herself to do it. And she didn't know why.

She collapsed down on her bed and screwed her eyes shut as tightly as she could, just wishing the day away like she had so many times before. Tomorrow would be better because it's not today. That was her motto. But she knew that wasn't the case anymore. She had spent the last three years keeping people at an arm's length from her. Her friends, boyfriends, room mates... everyone. But for some reason she let one person in. One person who got close enough to see her, who she really was. The damage had been done. She was no longer passing through life as an invisible person that people thought they knew but really knew nothing about in reality. Now every time she was to see the tall brunette, there would be that awkwardness, that vulnerability in knowing that someone actually saw her.

Quinn rolled over on her back and stared at the ceiling above her bed for a few seconds before lifting her arm and taking off her watch. "She is..." She lowered her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes, thinking back to the girl she got that white ink tattoo on her wrist to remind her of. She was special. Not just special to Quinn, but special as a person. She had a resilience that Quinn envied and admired at the same time. She would have opened up. She would have taken Adrianne's interest as a sign of character. It wouldn't have made her weak to allow her in, it would have made her brave for putting herself out their. So why couldn't Quinn see herself like that?

~/~/~/~

Adrianne didn't hear from Quinn until Monday during class. She was giving the blonde the space that she at least thought she wanted. Even during class, Adrianne stayed in her normal place, down front and off to the side, not even looking up to where the blonde was sitting, despite the fact that she could feel her hazel eyes on her through the whole lecture. And when the class was dismissed, she took her time packing her things, giving Quinn the opportunity to approach or walk away first if she still needed to.

Quinn took a deep breath and stepped down the last step and then over towards Adrianne. She knew what the brunette was doing. That's why they clicked so quickly. They could just read each other and understand the other's actions instantly. Then again, that was also the problem. Adrianne had hit on a nerve that Quinn wasn't ready to have exposed because she saw it so easily.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure." Adrianne answered, stilling her motions and looking up to the blonde from her seat.

Quinn mashed her lips between her teeth and took a seat next to her. "I need to apologize for the way I acted the other day. I have a few issues... issues which I feel I need to deal with on my own because having someone else know about them makes them weaknesses." She paused and Adrianne held her gaze, waiting for more. "I'm not allowed to be weak."

"People can't always be strong."

"I know that, but I was raised not to believe it." She closed her eyes and sighed. "This is my issue. I'm constantly bouncing back and forth between what I know and think, and what I'm suppose to know and think. And before you say it, it's not that easy just to forget about the things that have been so deeply ingrained into your mind."

"I know." Adrianne assured her lightly and genuinely. "But I also know it's easier when you have some to help... once you allow yourself to have some to help."

Quinn dropped her eyes to the ground in front of her. "This isn't you battle though. I don't want to drag you into it."

"But that's what friends are for."

"That's why I've chosen not to have any."

Adrianne took in a deep breath and let it out dramatically. Quinn had an argument for everything. "Well, then I guess you probably don't want to hear that I tend to get attached to people and don't let go."

Quinn nodded her head in surprising acceptance. She had come to the realization last night that maybe Adrianne's ability to read her and push her was actually a blessing in disguise. Like the brunette said, she wasn't fixing anything on her own. Maybe Adrianne was what she needed to get her moving in the right direction. "Well, I guess that's a good thing because one of the guests from the wedding is having a family reunion and asked if we would do the photography for it."

"We?"

She continued to nod her head. "We. It's a good thing your such a great friend too, because you'll even do it for free." Adrianne laughed, mockingly. "Then how about I buy you dinner afterward?"

The brunette held out her hand. "Deal." Quinn shook her hand and dropped her eyes to laugh as she did. "What's so funny?"

"It's been four weeks since we met and you've already been exposed to the one insecurity that hardly anyone else that I've known for years has managed to pick up on. And what do I do? I buy you dinner."

Adrianne smiled and stood up, bringing her books and papers to her chest. "You should be careful with that. Some people might think it's a date."

"Ah, yes." Quinn joked back, walking with the brunette out of the class room. "After hitting on the sensitive topic about my lack of strength to over come my past, lets just jump right into the debate of my sexuality."

"There's a debate?" Adrianne asked, looking at her but leaving the question open ended so it could be played off as a tease.

The blonde let out a quick laugh. "No. No debate there. I'm straight." Adrianne nodded with a smile, seeing Quinn's smiling eye falter at the remark. The blonde wasn't as sure as she made herself appear.

~/~/~/~

"No. I'm telling you. I can not cook!" Quinn stated in playful desperation as Adrianne laughed over their meal. "I'm serious. I burn everything. Even if I follow the instructions by the letter. Although, I did make this meat loaf that was perfect. Absolutely delicious. My roommate loved it. But then we about died from it the next day."

"So do you live off of fast food or something?"

Quinn shook her head as she took a sip of her drink. "No. Not entirely at least. I can make sandwiches, frozen dinners, those soups that comes in a cans."

Adrianne burst out in laughter again and looked around, thankful that they both enjoyed casual restaurants where you were free just to relax. "You have to cook for me at least once, just so I can see it for myself."

The blonde shook her head. "No way. I'm not giving you a reason to tease me anymore than you already do. I'll bake for you though. I can bake like no one's business. Cakes, cookies, everything like that."

"What's the difference?"

She shrugged. "I have no idea. But I have this mental block when it comes to cooking actual meals. I would be useless as a house wife who was expected to cook and clean like my father had intended me to be."

"Well, I guess it's a plus that you have a different passion that you're striving for." Adrianne commented, trying to keep the same pace of conversation despite being caught off guard by the mention of the blonde's family. That was a topic she avoided at all costs. Anything specific like this anyway.

"So what about you? What's one thing that you can't do?"

"Oh, goodness. Let me see... I can't be in a room with a man for more than just a few minutes without wanting to strangle him."

Quinn dropped her brow. "Well, I guess it's a good thing you're a lesbian."

"I thought so too." She joked, taking a bite of her food.

"So why not?"

Adrianne shrugged and leaned back in her chair. "I don't know. They just... they annoy me without even trying. If they sit there and they don't say anything, we'll be just fine. But as soon as he opens his mouth I want to reach over and shut it for him."

"Did you have a bad experience with guys or something?" Quinn asked as she wiped her mouth with her napkin and reclined back as well.

"Does every day count?" The brunette joked. "No, I mean, I have. But nothing that would cause this. My mother says I was born with my strong distaste for the opposite sex. She had to find a female pediatrician because I kept kicking my male doctor's shin every time he came near. When it was a woman, I was well behaved."

"She must have seen it coming when you told her you were gay then."

Adrianne inhaled through her nose and held it for a few seconds. "I honestly think she was kind of relieved in a way. Mainly because she didn't think I would ever find a man and get married to because I would kill him first. She figures that at least this way, I have a chance to find love. Because there is no way I could co-exist with a man."

"I know what you mean. Whenever I'm dating a guy, he just gets under my skin faster than anyone else. If he says something, it's always the wrong thing to say, or the wrong time. And they always want sex."

"Everyone wants sex."

Quinn rolled her eyes and leaned forward again to finish her meal. "Not like that. I mean... like right now, you and I are having a normal conversation, even if it does involve the topic of sex. But whenever I'm talking to a guy, it's always about sex and in the crudest way possible and they expect it if you talk about it. It just feels like I can't talk about it, or even joke about it, without them getting this stupid grin on their faces like they think they're getting some tonight. They just gross me out."

Adrianne smiled lightly and studied the blonde before returning her attention back to her food. "Maybe you're gay and you just haven't realized it yet." Or maybe just not accepted it yet.

Quinn huffed a laugh. "That would explain a few things. But, no." And with that the topic was dropped. Adrianne's brow dropped at the first part of her comment.

"What things would that explain?"

The blonde stilled her fork. "What?"

"When I joked that maybe you were gay, you said that would explain a few things. What things would it explain?"

Quinn shrugged as her eyes shut out the world again. "Just why I can't stand guys when I'm dating them."

"That is a pretty big clue." Adrianne lead in, hoping Quinn would volunteer something more. She didn't want to start another fight by letting her curiosity get the best of her, so the two just fell into a silence. Adrianne watched Quinn, studied her really, as she kept her eyes away from the brunette's. Everything about her body language screamed that she was hiding something. Or was at least scared of something. After a few seconds of concerned observation, Adrianne had to look away as well, taking notice of the blonde's long, tempting neck instead of the distance in her eyes. "So..." She stated, bringing Quinn's eyes back to hers, free from any potential prying. "Editing tonight?"

"Sure. But um... can't do it at the dorm." Adrianne dropped her brow. "It's an agreement I have with my room mate. She gets Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday nights by herself. Well... and whoever else she brings back with her."

"God. You need to move out."

Quinn shook her head. "I'm saving my money. I want to get a better camera and those lenses are not cheap. And I also need to save up so I can travel when I graduate."

"So you're torturing yourself in campus dorms until then?" Quinn nodded her head. "They could be having sex in your bed right now."

Quinn cringed. "Oh my God. Why did you have to say that? I have been doing so well about bot thinking about the possibilities."

"To try and motivate you to move out."

"I told you. I can't. I can't afford a place on my own and do everything else I want to do."

"Then move in with me." Quinn's head popped up from her plate, her eyes wide in shock. Adrianne shrugged, suddenly unsure of her suggestion. "I'm by myself n a two bedroom apartment. It's lonely. I wouldn't mind the company. I wont, like, molest you in your sleep or anything. Only when you're fully awake." She teased and Quinn rolled her eyes. "I even think your bedroom door comes with a lock if you don't trust me."

"I trust you. For some very strange and undefinable reason, I trust you." The brunette couldn't help but smile. "I just... I don't know."

"Let me sweeten the deal for you. I'm already swinging the bills by myself. How? I'm not telling you. But you wont even have to pay anything more than you are now. Buy whatever food you want and anything along those lines and that's it."

Quinn narrowed her eyes. "Why wont you tell me how you're paying for everything, seeing as you don't have a job that I know of and I'm not paying you to help me out."

Adrianne shrugged. "I figured you had your secrets, I at least needed one."

"Your parents pay for everything still, don't they?"

"Yeah. As long as I'm in school, Dad pays. I'm the baby of three so I'm kind of spoiled."

"Just kind of?" Quinn teased.

"Hey. Do you want me to go into description about the things she's probably doing in your bed right now? The different bodily fluids that-"

"I will hate you forever if you finish that sentence." Quinn stated, pointing her finger across the table at the grinning brunette.

"No you wont. No one can hate me forever."

"I can manage."

"I think you're full of it. So!" She stated, ending the argument in her favor. "When are we moving you out of your tiny, over sexed dorm and into my nice, spacious, fully paid for, two bedroom apartment?"

"Tomorrow. Because I'll be surprised if I can even convince myself to lay down in that bed tonight."