-goodbye-
When i was younger, i always wanted to grow up. Well, we probably all did. But now? I wish i never grew up, at least not the way i did. I guess everyone has something about his life that he would change, but for people like me, its different. Im sick.
It all started when i was 11, things happened and i just kept them for myself, couldn't talk to anyone, because i thought it will become better. But One day i started, lets say "hurting myself". It helped for a second but i hated it and i told myself "never again".
But in reality i did it again, more and more...
We lived in a small apartment , me, my mom and my stepfather. My mom and i always lived there and a short time ago my mom met my stepfather and he moved in. At that time i had two best friends. Lets call them Matthew and Leo. They lived right beside me. It was summer and the weather was good, so we went out together almost every day. The more we did together, the stronger my feelings got for Leo. I started to fall for him. But there was a problem.. Matthew was in love with me and somehow i knew it but i tried to act like i didn't.. Leo texted me every day and he called me baby and things like that. My long time best friend Mary was always with me, she knew every thing about me and we also both thought leo has feelings for me too, so one day i told him about my feelings, and he told me he loves me back and he asked me out for being his girlfriend. I said yes, of course, i was so happy. I told Matthew about it, and he was joking about it and he also told me Leo is cheating on me and doesn't really have feelings for me but i didn't believe him, and i knew he would hate me for that, for a long long time. But the days went by and leo stopped texting me, he didn't even say hello on the street anymore, he reacted to nothing. I called his sister on the phone and she told me that if he told me he loves me, he does because he wouldn't lie. Sure, i believed her.
(Somewhere in between here i started smoking. Just 3 months since i stopped my mom and my stepdad from smoking.. However our neighbour from downstairs lost his leg, from smoking, but anyways he didn't stop)
After that we didn't talk for a really long time. Leo changed and Matthew did too. They were still best friends. Leo and i talked a few times and Matthew and i didn't really have any contact anymore. Leo told me that he and Matthew had some kind of stupid Argument and they started hating each other.
Then i was already 13 and in March 2013 i was in Italy, snowboarding. There i got to knew my first "real" boyfriend, he was not the first one but the first one with not just hugging and talking, and today i wish I've never met him, he's a monster.. I had my first kiss with him in Italy. When we got back home he came to my home once a week, and somehow Leo texted me. He wanted to know about my boyfriend but i told him he doesn't have to care, he said he still loved me and if i would be his girlfriend again in 1 or 2 years.
My relationship with the monster held for 5 more weeks, than the worst thing ever happened and my life changed forever. He did something that broke me, my whole personality, its a story i still can't tell, because i can't stand to hear that story. Its probably the worst thing that can happen to anyone. i cant even say that word. I broke up with him instantly. I never told my mom what happened that day. I told nobody. i just couldn't, and so he was never punished for what he did to me.
In august 2013 we bought a house in another city. My love for Leo was still there, even after the monster. It never passed away.
I didn't wanted to move. i just couldn't. I lived there since i was born. The house we wanted to move in was just 1 hour with bus away, with a car just 20 minutes over the highway, but i was ripped out of my home.
But before we moved, on august,29 Mary slept over at my apartment. The doorbell rang and it was Leo. He forgot his keys and his father was not at home. He came in and sat down on my bed. Mary and i were still in our pyjamas and i hated myself for him seeing me this way. Mary was laying on the Air mattress she slept on, beside my bed ,reading a book. Leo and i sat on the bed and he was trying to annoy and tickle me. My sleeve rolled up and he saw what i did, he runned his finger over it and asked me why, but i gave no answer, he just said "i did that too". After a while we layed down on on my bed, his arms wrapped around me. And then suddenly it happened.. we kissed. It was my first kiss with leo and as i know now it was also our last one. it was such a beautiful and magic moment and when i think about it i can still feel his lips on mine.. after that day we didn't talk anymore.
On november 16th 2013 we moved out. I wrote a letter to Leo, that took me two weeks. I told him that i was in love with him for a long time and that i made many mistakes and i was hurt a lot. I still can remember every detail from that moment. I rang the doorbell and his father opened in a wheelchair because he had broken his leg. He said "hi" and called Leos name. Leo came out of his room in a white shirt with a few blood spots because his nose was bleeding earlier, and grey boxer shorts. He looked at me and i just gave him the letter and told him "I'm gone now" he looked confused as always, then he hugged me, i turned around and left the house, sat in the car and started crying.
