and again and again and

lying by omission is ok

this is terrible.

Ruby- Red? Ruby? who cares- starts crying and apologizing to her grandmother. Granny cries right back and holds her granddaughter tightly as the day we were all cursed. Mary-Margaret and David- Snow White and, who, Prince Charming?- laugh and kiss and spin around happily. the grumpy old creep that lives in the giant house on the hill close to the town line even reunites with who seems to be his child.

i collapse to the ground, empty.

i don't even know who i am.

Ray, the orphan? Sting, the Lost Boy? Green, the freak? Ivy, the wreck?

the Shadow said i was destined to save Peter. how did i end up here, then? by throats burns with a million screams that i can't let out. i can't even try. my hands shake and my lungs lock. everything comes back to me. the chemicals in the fuel. my love. magic. how was Neverland both my heaven and my undoing? if i had never gone, maybe i wouldn't have ended up with all this pain. i never got to grieve my family- now i remember them clear as day, my older siblings who wanted the best for me, my parents who saved my life, my dog who protected me until her last breath. living in Storybrooke for who knows how long, i've been living a fake life without the hurt of lies and guilt and visits from Peter Pan just too far away for me to try and reach him. now, i feel it all catch up to me with a fierceness worse than ever before.

Ruby and Granny bend down to comfort me. they don't know who i am. i barely do, for that matter.

"dear, what do you remember?"

i state Granny straight into her hopeful eyes.

"who are you?" i sign. Ruby takes my hands with unending pity. i've already decided- i don't want these memories. i'd rather be Ivy, innocently clueless and full of clever ideas.

i feel bad for lying, especially when it ruins their happiness, but they shouldn't know me- i don't care what happens, they just can't know who i really am. "we'll take care of you, dear. i'm Granny, this is-"

"Ruby. do you know your name?"

i shake my head. "can we call you-"

"Ivy," Ruby suggests, in near hysterics. i swallow nervously. "that's alright, right? Ivy?"

Granny frowns at her granddaughter while i nod. nothing happens for a moment, and then Ruby collapses in tears on my shoulder.

whoever broke the curse can go to hell.

"nothing from your past life is for sale, so don't even try," Rumplestiltskin greets when i step into his store. Ruby and Granny went to go have a talk about crying on amnesiacs, so i snuck out of the diner for some revenge. until i realized that i still can't talk. instead i opt for staring the man down until he understands my intentions. "i don't understand your intentions."

lovely.

i roll my eyes and snag the receipt pad and pen from next to the cashier, writing "you made the curse?" on the pad.

"of course, dearie, now you won't be getting any revenge today, so-"

"do you still have magic?"

"it's- tough," he admits. "but yes, and i could kill you if you don't leave."

"could you take my memories back?"

"you have nothing i want, dearie," the man laughs derisively, then gestures to the trinkets and tools lining the walls and filling the glass vases. "and i'm fresh out of pity." i grit my teeth and look around, then spot an odd figure poking out of an open safe. picking up the pas and pen, i step towards it, only to be stopped a few feet away by Rumplestiltskin.

"Peter Pan," I write. it sends a shock of pain through my hand, making me drop the pen.

"how do you know?" he mutters, sounding almost scared. how do i know? Peter drew that all the time, that's how. more like, how does the Dark One know about a little kid king? i turn to look at the man with the same question in my eyes, but Rumplestiltskin snarls and shoves me towards the door. "you stay away from here. he sent you, didn't he? sent you to punish me. don't come back, you freak."

i stumble out of the shop, shaking my head. he doesn't understand- Peter Pan doesn't want me. he wants power. it's only a matter of time before he proves it. i don't know how, but he will. it's the only way this could all get worse.

"Ivy, Ivy!"

that isn't me. i wish it was, i really do. "oh, we were so worried!"

"i was just exploring," i sign, pulling a guilty pout. what have i done? i shouldn't be lying, but they just can't know.

"lets go back to the diner. we prepared a room for you," Granny suggests. i nod carefully and follow them, then accept the clothes they offer me. jeans and a sweater. they want the curse back too, don't they? stupid Rumplestiltskin. i French-braid my hair back, a habit from my Neverland days that i didn't know i learned from my father, then nod at everything Granny says, but don't listen. she tells me i can work at the diner for free food and the room. yes, they want the curse back. but only for my sake.

i keep the French-braid in until Ruby asks about it.

"i don't know," i tell her, "muscle memory, i guess." she nods and asks if i could braid her hair. so i do- i want her to be happy, but i can't help her. there's a tenseness in the diner that everyone can feel but no one can understand. Granny takes me to places we've been before, feigning adventurousness. i look up my family when she's in the bathroom at the library.

they died when my father's siblings and mother soaked our house in alcohol and set it ablaze, but the police were notified and i survived. those responsible were put in Alcatraz's solitary confinement until their deaths.

over sixty years ago.