INSANITY

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It was half way through the 3rd week of sleepless nights. But I’d be damned if I was going to tell anyone that I was hearing voices now. When night fall would hit, I had to stay awake. I was in the living room in the dark just listening.

Or I would be in bed in the dark while everyone slept just listening. I would hear countless times steps up stairs. The sound of someone walking back and forth clear as day. Then I would hear the back window being broken. My heart would race and I would feel the cold sweat start. My brain would release the adrenalin and the need to run was so great it scared me to death.

It was nearing that one month mark that I almost made a stupid mistake. I had gone to the store alone. My husband had stayed home with the kids. I was on auto pilot by then. Sometimes not even realizing until I was home. How in the hell I get there? Thinking back it is a scary as hell thought. But a greater power kept me from killing anyone with the car.

But on this particular day it was not killing anyone that was on my mind. It was the need to end this infernal sleeplessness. This panic that seemed to be consuming my sanity at a rapid rate. I worried I would one day hurt my family.

So I drove back from the store and parked the car by the bridge. I got out of the car and walked to the bridge. I leaned over and tried to figure out how deep it might be. It had rained plenty that week so the water was high. Would I die or would I just hurt myself and float away.

The water was calling to me. It was so dark; it offered me the peace I needed. It was a solution, a means to an end. I needed to sleep and I needed to stop the panic. I laughed out loud, yeah I was so losing a battle I didn’t even know was being fought for me.

But in that moment, the moment I was ready to jump my cell phone rang “Hello” I answered.

“Woman the baby has been crying. Where are you? You have been gone for 3 hours and you knew he was going to feed soon.” Said my husband all irritated. I was breast feeding so I needed to get home. But I was only at the store for less than 10 minutes.

So I guess I was there contemplating the end of my life for a long time. Huh why didn’t I just jump? Well I’ll be back tomorrow. I thought to myself as I got in the car and drove home.

Later that night I sat there, watching my husband as he watched TV. My daughter was on his lap as he was lying back on the couch with my son on his chest. I tried to picture their life without me in it.

He turned to look at me with a concerned look on his face. No I don’t like him looking at me like that. Ahh he knows said a voice in my head. He knows nothing I answered back. So I smiled at him and leaned back and closed my eyes pretending to nap.

I lived another sleepless night……….

END OF FLASH BACK

     

The officer asked on more time “this is your husband?”

I looked at him “yes I’m so sorry” I whispered.

I sat on my stairs as I tried to hold back silent tears. Holy fucking shit you did it this time. He knows, you let him find out. I shake my head, no he knows nothing.

I heard him make his way back to me as he knelt down in front of me “I have humored you by letting you walk around with a knife and I have let you barricade the doors. I just have one important question” I looked at him dreading what he would tell me. He’s going to call me crazy I know it…….

“I heard you moving something heavy up there. Did you scratch the floor?” I looked at him and my mouth fell open.

“What, I just put that floor up there. The last thing I need is for you to scratch it.” He said.

I was still unable to answer. It was then that the door opened and my sister came in. He thanked her for coming and he helped me get changed “Come on we are going for a ride.” He told me and led me to the car.

Fuck I need a doctor it has been a long time that my sanity has been gone. I thought to myself.

We were silent on the drive and then I realized where he was going. He was taking me to the doctor.