Forming Anastasia

Numbness

    "Can we talk?" I say walking into the kitchen. My dad sitting at the table with his phone tucked in his hand. He sits it down and looks up at me. I sit across from him on the wicker kitchen chair. I rest my arms on the wooden table. I look out of the dark window to avoid eye contact for a moment, then my eyes trail to his.
   He nods.
"Dad, I want you know something. I don't hate you. I never did. I love you. I still am hurt with you, but I could never hate you. You've excepted so much of my brokenness, my pain, and my angry spells, yet you still love me."
  He smiles.
"Annie, I'm your father, and nothing can change that. No matter how much you what it to sometimes. I'll always love you."
    "I'm ready." I say quickly. I had no clue if I was ready to meet Natalie, all I knew was that if I never tried, I'd never know. My dad had done so much for us.
"I'll call her for dinner tomorrow, at eight."
I stand up and head for the stairs.
"Annie." He says. I turn on my heels and catch his brown eyes.
He stands up and walks to me. He gives me a slight hug and a smile. His face said everything.
I walk up stairs to Kate's room. I slowly open the door and see her asleep. Eyes slammed shut and breathing softly. I close the door and walk to my room. I plunge on to my bed. I check my phone one final time before going to sleep.

     The morning sun seals through my window just shy of five-thirty. I roll out of my mattress and walk to my window. I look at the calm land in front of me. The gravel driveway with the digs for dad's truck. The dirt roads with no dust. I walk to Amberly and Kate's room to wake them for school. I find Amberly sitting on the edge of her bed with her clothes laying next to her. She's wrapped in a blanket with her purple oversized t-shirt hanging out underneath. Her eyes puffy and rad like she'd been crying.
    I ease in and stand in the door way.
"You alright?" I ask.
She sniffles and continues to look at the scratched wooden floor. I walk slowly to her and sit on the floor in front her her bed. Her red eyes meet mine and she lifts her head.
    "Do I have to go?" She asks with a stuffy nose. I grin.
"Is that why you're crying? You don't want to go to school?"
She rolls her eyes and turns her head. Amberly was always the loud, smiley, in your face kid. Very rarely did she shed a tear.
   "Amberly, what is it?" I ask. She look down again.
"Does... does dad love us? Is he going to leave us to? For that lady?" She asks. I look at her. Her sad eyes and quivering lips. I couldn't help but remember the times when the whole family wasn't emotional, constantly on edge. I missed that. We all did.
   "I can't explain to you why dad is with someone else, because I don't know myself. But I can't tell you that dad loves us. That's never going to change. He's not going anywhere."
   "We haven't even seen her yet. I mean is she pretty, what's does she like? How long have they seen each other?"
"I tell you what", I say standing up,"I'm meeting her tonight. I'll ask her all those questions and more, and report back to you with the answers. Sound like a deal?" I ask.
She nods and stands up slowly. I walk out of the room stopping in front of the door.
    I turn on my heels and watch her sling the blanket onto the bed.
"Amberly, dad loves you, we all love you. You'll never be alone." I say turning back to the door.

                                   ****
I follow my shadow through the dusty roads and meet Pratt on the way. He pulls over onto the dusty road. He walks out steadily and looks down. He leans against the truck hands in his pockets. Without a word I walk slowly to him. His eyes wandering to everything except me.
    "Pain stains you." He says.
I nod. He shifts onto his left leg crossing his right foot in front of him. His eyes red.
"I can't... not anymore." He says.
"Can't what?" I ask shaky.
"You're pretty, you're smart, you're sweet. You'll find somebody else." He says coldly. He gives a grin of sheer heartlessness.
   I look up at him meeting his gaze.
"Cold hearts never thaw I guess."
"You don't seem surprised though." He says.
"Maybe because I'm used to it. Maybe because I've blocked it all out. Maybe because I'm numb to hurt anymore." I say icy. I felt nothing in that moment. Not anger, not sadness, not happiness. Completely empty. Maybe I was numb to hurt. Maybe I'd learned how to shield myself.
   "Look, I could give you the simple lines, we both say the sappy words and then leave in anger. Or we could do it this way." He says opening his truck door.
    "You save those sappy words. You already used so many lines with me." I say staring at him. He gets back in and drives off. I walk to the creek and slip my boots off. I stare down as my feet hit the warm water. I give a silent huff.
    I run through the angry, hurtful words going through my mind. Things I would have only wasted my breath on. The facts were I had no clue what got into Pratt, and that I didn't know why I felt nothing. The guy I'd lost everything to had just walked away, no explanation, no comment, so hurt, nothing.
    Possibly I was numb. Possibly I wasn't ever in love with him, possibly I was just plain done with feeling the way I'd felt. Done with worrying about how much time I had with a person. Wondering how much longer I'd go without so much pain. Done with all of it. Maybe I just didn't care anymore.

Just as my final thought had run through a tall guy walks behind me. A bait box and pole in his hand. He sits next to me hooking the worms to his pole.
   "This your spot too?" He asks.
"Haven't been here long enough to call it mine." I say looking out onto the grassy land.
   I turn my head and see his camo hat. His blue shirt covered in dirt, his jeans raggedy and old, and his bare feet scrubbing the water. His blonde hair straight as a board, and freckles just barely scuffing his nose.
    "If only that rule applied to everyone." He says. He pulls up a small catfish and sits it in a net.
    "So what's your story?" I ask still looking  straight ahead. My feelings still numb to everything that'd just happened. The normal Annie would have been drowning myself in tears and self pity. But here I am. Dry eyes, no feelings.
    "Don't you wanna know my name first?" He asks.
I don't reply.
"Small town, broke family. Lived here all my life, lost my two brothers to illnesses. No special treatment anywhere, been hurt a lot, and I love to fish. My story began today, meeting you. The mysterious girl on my rock."
   "When do you think the ending will happen?"
"Whenever life stops it I suppose." He says with a grin. I swing my feet in the water causing it to move. The water trickles away until it is calm again.
    "What's yours?" He asks. I was tired of telling my same story. I wanted my life to be different. Not full of disappointment and sadness. Not boring Annie that never got into trouble a day in my life. For once I wanted to be someone else.
    "Not important. Now we've got our own book to write." I say standing up. My bare, wet feet make marks on the huge rock. I slide my boots on and walk away.
    "See you here tomorrow ?" He asks turning to look at me.
    "I'm not making anything definite."