Thoughts From an Abandoned Heart

Just the Beginning

But I'm getting ahead of myself. There is always a before. A before the pain. A before the light. A before the bat. Before the break. What comes after, however, can shape everything. When a bone breaks, it is cocooned, safely covered and shielded from harm. It is meant to heal, become what it once was, but often that's not possible. Either set incorrectly, or moved the wrong way, a bone has the tendency to be off; heal, but be painful, damaged. It takes time, but eventually it starts causing issues, until it must be set again. Broken once more to make it better than what it has become. We too must be bent and broken to become our best selves, but we despise pain.

Pain, however uncomfortable or unwelcome, is a necessity. It is our warning system. Pain lets us know when we need to stop pushing. Emotional pain though, often makes us push harder. Push harder to survive, to thrive, to be the best versions of ourselves. Push harder to solve, destroy, uncover, pry. Always two sides to the story, and we want to know both . When we are hurt, deep in our souls, our whole being consumed by a tempered flame, it is easy to go numb. The worst thing that will ever happen to you will not bring you pain, but numbness. Third degree burns are the most severe, however second degree burns are the most painful. When a person is afflicted by third degree burns their nerves are irreparably damaged. They don't feel what would undoubtedly be excruciating pain. Someone with second degree burns, medically the lesser of the two, will be in the most pain. At some point the damage becomes too much, and the body shuts down, numb to pain. A dangerous feat. Many wish to no longer feel the pain, but without the pain, we would never know where to draw a line.

Pain is a need. For some, pain is the only way to remember that they're alive. Everyone wants to feel alive. But the way we get that rush varies. Some parachute out of helicopters. Other jump off of cliffs into oceans. A small few just jump. Off a bridge. Off a cliff. In love.
Fairytales teach us to believe that love conquers all. Love will defeat hate. But what will defeat love. The pain at the end of the rainbow. The vapid, empty rainbow.

Now, I don't want you to think I am bitter at love. When it's real, love is beautiful. These days though, love is an empty promise. A commitment easily forgotten. Once again, inevitable pain and destruction.

This is the part where I once again attempt to destroy one of your mushy gushy beliefs. What is the most sensitive part of the body. The eyes? The groin? The heart? Wrong, wrong, wrong. It's the brain. The big, grey, dumb, stupid brain. Here's the facts. Your brain in love is a brain on drugs. Dopamine and Serotonin flood the brain. Being away from love is like withdrawal. Bad enough to drive someone crazy. Fortunately this positively brutal stage lasts about 8 months. Funny how I see many relationships lasting about that long.

This one's for you ma and pa. You never seemed to see the destruction left in the wake of your "dalliances". Years and years of being hungry because I couldn't leave my room, the two of you having a screaming match outside my door. Years of damaging my ears trying to flood my ears with the words of a deluded pop star. Trying to block out the breaking voices and tearful screams. A childhood nightmare that made clowns seem fun and boogie men seem like someone to pass time with. How can I learn to make meaningful connections when the one I've been exposed to my whole life has been crumbling beneath my feet. How can I grow when the foundation beneath me has always been cracked, dragging me down, beneath it. So screw it. This isn't for you ma and pa. This is for you Kansas, Green Day, Aerosmith. The whispers in my ears blocking out the noise. All I know is that if I had gone deaf from all that noise, I may have been better off.

And that is the point. Love is, well, lovely. But the destruction it leaves behind is not a just price. It's a ripple effect. If someone falls in love in an empty forest and no one is around to hear it, did it really hurt anyone? Just watch the ripples.

So dear emptiness or nothing. Dear lover or heartbreaker. Dear soul unfortunate enough to come across these words. Fall in love. Fall so hard you hit your head on the granite tiles of hell. Enjoy the natural high. Allow yourself to break and set. Break and heal. Gage the pain, watch the ripples, and above all else remember that all of this, everything, it is all just the beginning. Or don't listen to me. After all, I'm just a 16 year old who's been burned by love without every being in love.