Every Forty Seconds

Chapter four

The next few weeks are amazing. They flow by in waves of joy and rest. That is, until one night. After leaving lainey's home late at night, I walk into the bathroom and look into the mirror. I've felt more joy this past month than I have my whole life. It's been perfect, incredible. My face lights up with a goofy grin that I can't hold back. My eyes look more blue than green, alight flames. She's so gorgeous, so out of my league. So perfect that I can't even explain. I just stare at my own reflection in disbelief, asking myself how in this god forsaken world did I get this lucky?

Maybe you didn't...

No. not again. Not now- not when I'm finally happy. My smile wavers but does not disappear completely. It stays, half existing.

She can do better, you know...

No, because lainey loves me.

She loves me, needs me, and I need her. Without her, I am nothing. Without me, she is nothing.

Oh shut up- she was okay before you. Maybe she'll even be better without your problematic self.

Not true, not true, not true. The smile has completely diminished now, faded away without a trace. Tears threaten to fill my eyes. Suddenly, the voice manifests into something else. Something real that surrounds me, takes over me, gets into my ears, mouth, eyes. It completely overtakes me. Every word is a scream

STUPID!

I cover my ears with my hands.

WORTHLESS!

I sink to the ground, onto the cold stone slabs

MAN UP

The first tear falls.

STOP YOUR EMOTIONS.

I pull my knees to my chest

GET UP
I sink deeper.

CRYING LIKE A BITCH?
I want to shout.

PATHETIC.

I want to yell and scream and break things.

NO WONDER EVERYONE HATES YOU.

I get up, look myself in the mirror.

And smash my own reflection.

And then, I just stand there. Blood runs from my knuckles, down my fingers and dripping off the edge of my nail. Five puddles of red merge into one small ocean. I stare, dumbfounded at the wreckage i'd created. Shards cover the sink, scratching the stone material. A throbbing pain sounds throughout my hand, but the pain in my head is worse. It's sharp, direct. Tears start to pool in my eyes again, and I collapse. The blood from my hand soaks part of my clothing, staining the floor. I sob, deep, wrenching sobs. My body shakes.

"Miles..." my mother is standing by the door, looking at me in horror. I look away from her. I can't look her in the eye, or i'll get worse. The voice laughs. A screeching, unpleasant sound.

That's it- she's scared of you now! And the voice is right. The expression on my mother's face isn't one of worry or concern- it's fear. Pure fear. She's scared of me, of what I have done. She's scared for me, for what I'm doing to myself. I move my head to the side, looking even further away from her. I only know she's left when I can hear her retreating footsteps.

She's scared of you. Like she fears your father. You and him are the exact same!

I know, I think.

For once, I'm not telling a lie.

The day after that, I'm not the same. My joy is gone. But I can't talk about it, because lainey is here. If I tell lainey, i'll scare her off. And I'm so, so lucky to have her. I'd do anything for her.