Every Forty Seconds

Chapter seven

I open my eyes to a blinding light and a pounding in my head.

"Hey, sleepy," a voice says next to me. Lainey is sitting on the other side of the bed, pulling a sweatshirt over her head.

"Where are we?" I ask in a pained voice, and I look around the room slowly. Then it dawns on me- we're at Chris' house. The realisation sparks more realisations, until I can remember last night. I remember the scene I caused. I remember the look of lainey's blood on my hands. I reach over and tug up her shirt. The skin is clear. There's no mark. It was a dream.

"Lainey..." I say quietly, dropping her shirt back down. I attempt to sit up, and when i've managed it Lainey sits next to me on the bed.

"What happened out there?" she asks me, and I look down at her.

"I'm sorry..."

"Is that what happened to-"

"Similar," I say, giving in.

"Does this happen often?" Her voice is concerned, and her big, harlequin green eyes.

"No," I say quickly, almost defensively. But the look she gives me makes me continue- "i hear voices. Sometimes. Just one voice. It tells me i'm not good enough, and that I don't deserve you... I try not to listen but- it gets so loud.." I put my fingers on my head, as if trying to silence the words coming from me. But the truth is, it felt good being able to tell lainey. Because i'm sure she won't judge me for it. And when she wraps her arms around me, I know I was right. She is different, and she loves me.

"When did it start?" she asks, concern spreading across her face as she frowns.

"I'm not sure- it feels like it's been there forever..." my voice trails off as I try to remember. Lainey grabs my hand, squeezing it reassuringly. Tears threaten to fall down both our cheeks. Somehow, it feels good to tell her everything. Well, almost everything. I can't bring myself to spill everything out to her. Chris walks in then, and his eyes shine in the light. Brighter than usual. I ask him how much he heard, and he shakes his head.

"I heard enough," he states, throwing me my keys, a hoodie and my phone, "shut the door on your way out."

When he walks away, I feel like a part of my world has collapsed. Like a star exploding in the universe, a mini sun out of thousands of solar systems. To some people, this sight is beautiful. I feel lainey's hands grip mine tighter and I know that nowhere in this world, is it a beautiful sight to see. This isn't a nova, it's the death of a universe.

"I can't go on like this!" a voice yells from inside. I open the door to my home to hear my mother in the kitchen with my father. It's dark now. I spent the whole day with Lainey at her house, trying to forget about this morning. I look at the clock on my phone as I walk further into the house, stopping at the foot of the stairs.

"Why the hell not? I come home, I drink beer and I eat a sandwich. I'm hardly asking for the world here," my father slurs, followed by a harsh laugh.

"It's eating me up. I'm not satisfied." mom tells him, and suddenly I know just how hard this is for her.

"Life isn't about being satisfied," my father drawls, "and life isn't fair. It's about making money, making a kid and then inevitably dying. So, i'm sorry if I can't satisfy you or love you like you want to be loved. You want a prince charming? Well, good luck with that. Ugly witches don't get prince charming. They get me," On the last word, a bottle is hurled against the wall and I hear it smash into a thousand little icicles. I remember when me and my mom were a whole bottle. Now we're just shards of broken glass.

"Break another thing!" my mom screams from the living room.

"Go on! It makes you feel good, doesn't it? Makes you feel alive? Then smash a plate! A window! Go on, if you're going to break the house, make it count. Our family wasn't enough, eh?" A twisted, cruel laughter comes from the kitchen again. A noise starts in my head, followed by the pain of someone stabbing me a thousand times in the chest. I physically hurt, I hurt everywhere and it won't stop. Water and fear fill up my lungs and I struggle to open my mouth and breath in the air. The silence that follows my mother's speech is contaminated with the voices and noises of my own mind. I can't sit here hoping anymore, I realise. Nothing is going to get better. Nothing is okay.

"I broke this family up?" my father asks, his voice calm. Quiet. A ringing sounds throughout the house, the alarm of skin-to-skin contact. A sob erupts from my mom. I press a hand to my mouth to stop myself from making a sound. I squint my eyes to trap the tears. I hear footsteps, heavy and finished, coming towards me. I run to the space behind the stairs, and my father goes up them. When he's gone, I walk into the kitchen and pick up a cloth, running it under cold water. My mother is sitting on the floor, tears running down her cheeks and a cut on her cheek where his wedding ring scratched her. Slowly, softly, I press the cloth to her face. I move it downwards to catch the few droplets of blood. She grabs my wrist, stopping me from grabbing the blood that once against starts to pool onto her skin, and run down like a stray raindrop.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, and drops her head. The water that once fell from her eyes now falls from her cheeks and onto her lap.

"Stop apologising to me," I mumble, standing up. I put the cloth under the water again and watch it swirl into the drain, now a pinkish colour.

"I'm sorry you were born into this family, and i'm sorry about what happened to your sister. I'm sorry- it's all my fault." she says, another sob escaping. She bites on her knuckle to stop anything else escaping, to prevent her from drawing him back downstairs.

"Stop, mom," I say, almost begging her, "it wasn't- isn't- your fault it's m-his," I tell her as I walk back to her, pulling her knuckle from her teeth.

"I made him so angry," she sighs, " I shouldn't have done.." she tentatively touches the small line of red. I don't know what to say to that, so I just stay quiet. I hand her the newly damp towel, and she presses it to her cheek again. I don't know why, but I can't stay in the room anymore. But if I go upstairs, he'll find me. So I walk back out of the house, down the stairs and along the manmade path. I trot along the road, until I knock on the door twice. Lainey opens it, looking confused. When she sees the tears on my face and the slight tint of blood still left on my hands, she takes me into her arms and holds me against her. I cling onto her being, her love, herself, until I fall apart completely. And we, both of us connected on a level of pain and love and confusion twisted enough for a maze to get lost in, fall to the ground as my tears drown us.