Her Picture

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"When it gets hard, You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive"

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April 14, 2013

A month and a half before my highschool life officially started but why I cannot feel that the excitement in my body? All I can feel is the fear and pain that possibly change again my life.

One and half year after the gunshot incident, I was hospitalized for almost a year  why? Because I was shot near my spinal cord. And it really affects me a lot! Because there were veins that was damage and those veins was connected to my brain. That's why it causes me to sleep for a year. (hahaha forgive me)

Here I was inside my room, reading a Rainbow Rowell's book. Its title is Fangirl. If you want me to elaborate what the story's plot, its a big NO! I am not good at elaborating and explaining so if I were you, buy the book. End.

So back to the topic. Again after I gain my consciousness, I was still in the hospital for months after I woke up. My parents were confused because of my condition. I barely moved my body those days. My doctor told us that my body is half paralyzed. Here I am again. I don't want to elaborate okay? I'm just PARALYZED.

We tried to returned the real me. And guys you know what? No one knows who shot me. Because I don't want anyone knows why did that person tried to kill me. When I gained some strong for my muscles, I never go out in this house, in this room. Cause I'm scared. Some side effects happened to me.

Trauma, Insomnia, Hallucination, Well I proudly share to you my sickness. Its really sooo good to have them. They keep me accompany, every night. They won't let me sleep. They don't want to let me go even though I myself wanted to!! I hate Ashley but at the same time I love her. She's still my sister. Yes my freaking sister! I just found out accidentally months ago. Never in this world I felt love from any siblings.

When I'm 5 years old, my mother, well she's still with us cause she's pregnant for my little sister. She is carrying my sister for already 8 months. In anytime soon, I will see my sibling! And I'm really happy and excited. But I'll never be happy. In that day, when my parents decided to see my mothers doctor, a guy came to our house and almost killed my father. I cried and begged! But he never listened and continue to beat my father until..

"S-stop." My father pleaded to the bad guy.

"I will in anytime soon. Just wait!" And she kicked my father again.

I looked at my mother and saw her smirking. Is she really happy that my father is suffering!??!

"Mom! Help Daddy! Please!!!" I run to her and hug her while I continuously beg for her to help my father.

"Let go if you don't want to be hurt." I look at my mother.

"M-mom"

"Don't call me Mom! I am not your mother! You are not my child! You weak child!!" Then she push me.

Blood rushing to my head. Fist read to launch. I am really angry at her. How can she say that after I made her happy?! After I obeyed her awful commands! She deserve to be treat badly! If father won't do, they....

I have no choice.

All of a sudden she fall. Why? I hit her. But i'm not yet done! I go to her and punch her. She push me and get up but I didn't let her, I push her and push until.....

Blood rushing in her legs.

I killed my own sister. My little sister. If she was here by my side, she will be happy. I'll be the best sibling in the world. I will protect her like my father protect me. I will treat her better than our own Mom. But its all gone. I freaking killed her!

"Hey? What's up with your face darling? Something wrong?" I look at my door and see my father with frown.

"I-i, I'm j-just t-thinking.." Fudge! Why did I stuttered?! Now he will think I'm hurt!

"Darling are you hurt? Where??!" Father rush to me and touch my arm.

"N-no, I'm fine." I look down cause I feel any minute my tears will fall.

"Look at me." I shake my head in respond.

"Please?"

Slowly, I look at him with my teary eyes. Then, bam, my tears is continuously flowing in my eyes. I know that he can read me, I know that he can see the hurt and guilt in me.

"Tell me what's wrong. Please." Still looking at me, he gets my hand and squeeze it lightly.

"I-i just r-remembered Jaine." I hiccup after.

"My child. Haven't we talked about it?"

"Its not your fault-" "Yes it is!" I cut him off.

"If I didn't pushed mom Jaine should be here with me! She's here happy with us! Also if I didn't hurt mom, Mom is still with us! We are still complete family!" I shouted. I cannot hold my feeling anymore. I need to let it out before the school starts. If I didn't, I will die.

"Its not your fault. I know that Jaine is happy on where she is right now. You want to know something? I bet she is smiling because she knows that you still love her. Think about it. If Jaine is alive, do you still think your mom is still with us? When she have us, she also have another family. Even without Jaine, she doesn't love us like how she love her other family. It is not your fault."

Mother, the person who never looked at me with love. The person that only think herself.

Father, the person who fill all the love that I crave from my mother. He is the one understand me well.

Love, I am allergic in this word. I never wanna be near to this. One after one, hate after hate, I really don't know if I still have "love cells" in me, but love also makes me somewhat still standing in the ground. How? Because of my father. He always says to me that he love me but I never answered him back. I think that is why I'm still here.

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Oh my god! Its really boring -_-

Well hello guys~!

~ Π-Π