Hall 12

Hungry (REVISED)

I should've known something wasn't right when I started feeling hungry again.

It started with the chocolate. I craved it everyday, and everyday, Blue would sneak me some. Reese's cups, Hershey kisses, Snickers, anything she could get her hands on.

And then it was cheese. Anything cheese. I ate a bag of shredded cheddar for breakfast more than a few times.

Then it was bread, then sugar, then ice cream, then chicken.

I'd been a vegetarian for three years now. And I wanted chicken.

But I was determined to brush it off as just a phase, I'd be back to my normal eating habits (that mostly consisted of fourteen almonds, a granola bar, two cups of water, and an apple) soon, right?

"You're eating that?" Blue asks, pointing to my chicken wrap, her arm around my shoulders.

"Um, I don't- I think so?" I stammer, chewing on my lip. "I'll pull the chicken off, and just eat the lettuce and cheese. Oh, and the ranch. I've been craving ranch for a couple days now."

Blue scrunches her eyebrows together and shifts her jaw. "Babe, I'm really scared something is wrong with your meds. Doesn't Wellbutrin make your appetite smaller?"

"Zoloft causes cravings, I think," I reply, taking a bite of my wrap. Fuck, it's so good.

"If you say so," she says hesitantly, "just don't want you getting sick."

It worries me to hear her so concerned, but the taste of parmesan is heavy on my tongue and suddenly there's another insatiable craving for cheese.

"Some cheese, please?" I ask prettily, batting my lashes and kissing her jaw.

She sighs and kisses me on the lips, "whatever you say, doll. I'll be back in a second."

The table slowly fills up with the rest of the Island, except Crack. Smokey's face is sunken in, her hair a mess of tangles and the normally sparkling brown eyes gone completely dull.

She looks like she crawled right off the side of the road.

"Hey Smokey," I greet her, tense smile on my lips, "are you okay?"

"Completely fine," she mumbles, hardly audible. "I'm great. Crack...mom came to visit. Snuck stuff. Binged. Three days, oxy."

My eyes widen. "Smokey, you need to go see a nurse. You look sick and you could OD and-"

"Shut up, Allison!" She screams suddenly, slamming her fists on the table. "Don't you know how to shut up? Listen to your fucking brain and drop fucking dead!"

She gets up and walks out of the room.

The voice in my ear comes back like a old, angry ghost.

She's right. Listen to her. Why don't you just do it? You know where to get pills.

First, my chest starts feeling tight.

You thought you'd get rid of me, didn't you? I'm back, Allison. Here to stay.

Second, my hands clench, digging so hard I feel the warm blood dripping on my wrist.

Fucking die, Allison. Do it. Do everyone a favor.

Then, I can't breathe. I try to force out a breath, but the air is caught in my lungs and I hyperventilate, wheezing out breaths that feels hot on my heart.

Me and you are gonna have lots of fun tonight. Just wait.

"Baby?" Blue asks, grabbing my hands and unclenching them. "Baby, baby, c'mon, relax. Just let go. You're with me, you're safe. It's Blue, baby. Come back to me."

All I can hear is Smokey yelling at me, her shrill voice telling me what I know I should do.

Drop fucking dead!

I run out of the cafeteria, getting to my room and slamming the door. I take refuge under blankets, knees drawn to my chest and nails digging into my calves.

Blue is in the room within a minute, panting breathlessly as she sits on the foot of my bed.

"She's gonna learn not to do that anymore, babe," she mumbles, "I promise, I'll let her know. Can I see your pretty face now?"

I don't move. She pulls the blanket off me, touching my skin softly and stroking my hair.

I melt under her touch, relaxing enough to let her move my limbs from my face.

"Kitten, you know she didn't mean it."

She did. She meant every word.

"She's your friend. Friends...they don't just do that."

Friends always leave you. Blue will too.

"Why won't you look at me?"

Don't even think about it. She doesn't want to see an ugly pig like you anyway.

"It's me, Shakey. It's...Faith."

I lay down and turn over, facing the wall.

"I'll wait here all night. Move over so I can sleep with you."

Go on. Let her hold you. This'll be the last time.

"Goodnight, kitten. I love...you're mine."

You're mine.