October 13, 2016
To whom this may concern:
On account of the events that occurred on January 21st in the year 2016, I have been working on gaining the closure that I need in order to move on. I woke up in the hospital on January 22nd to the sound of the doctors talking to my parents about releasing me for the funeral arrangements that were currently being made. After downing the medication and taking off the heart monitors, I stepped outside into the cold, bitter air burning my sensitive eyes. My best friend was holding me up and walked me to my dad's car. The entire day seemed so dead and so empty. We had lost an angel, and it just so happened to be my angel. If I had one wish, I would go back and save him, but I can't; so here's my "mixtape" dedicated to the love of my life. (powerful beginning!)
To my Marky:
Track 1: "You And I"-Michael Bublé
I remember when we had first started dating; within the first month, we were sure we were going to get married. I had promised you that no one would come between us. I said to you, "I just really want us to be together forever. I have no clue what I'd do without you." And you responded with, "We will be together forever." Around the time we had been dating for seven months, you did the lame, cliche proposal where we both agreed that we would stay together through the best and the worst of times. We would always talk about the wedding, and I remember arguing with you about which song would be our first dance. I wanted the song "You And I" by Michael Buble because it tells the story of how two people were meant for each other and fall in love. When he says, But I found strength in you," I reflect on how I have become the person I am today because of you. Ever since we've started school, you've managed to make me smile as if I've never faced trouble before, and you always reassured me that I can get through anything that's thrown my way.
Track 2: "Thinking Out Loud"-Ed Sheeran
On the other hand, you always had to disagree with me in some subtle way. You decided to choose a song by our favorite artist, Ed Sheeran,"Thinking Out Loud." As I was away one weekend for my uncle's wedding, they announced the bride and groom's first dance together as husband and wife. As I could hear ever-so-clearly, "When your legs don't work like they used to before..." I watched them dance from over the balcony and sent you a video. I was able to imagine the two of us in their place. I had told you, "I've never been able to see this day so clearly before." Every girl's dream is to have the most amazing wedding, and in my case, you're the only one I've ever thought about marrying. You're the only person I'm willing to give my hand to. Just as my parents were, we can be the "high school sweethearts." To this day, I still believe that we could have made it. I know that, as we promised, we would have stuck together through the best and worst times.
Scene 1: "Eulogy to Hazel Grace"-The Fault in Our Stars
When admitted into the hospital, they have you rate your pain on a scale from one to ten. When I was admitted, I said I was only at a seven. Then I got a text from Farhan around 11:30, and he asked when was the last time I heard from you. I checked the last message from you to have found these words: "I'm sorry. I love you and always have." I immediately panicked and called your brother to hear him choke on the other end of the line. I stared up at the emergency room ceiling and began wailing and demanded the doctors to let me go. I had put all of the pieces together, and I came to the realization that you decided to give up. I needed to see you. It was important for me to be certain you were okay, because if you weren't, then I wouldn't be either.
When I woke up the next morning with very little sleep, the texts began to roll in. "Are you okay?" and paragraphs in attempts to keep me sane. I remember looking into the mirror and finally being able to understand what Hazel Grace meant by, " I was saving my ten. And here it was, the great and terrible ten," because losing your first love forever is the worst pain a person can encounter.
Once reality hit me, everything you've said to me replayed in my head in your voice. How you found me so "beautiful" and how you were "lucky to be with someone" like me. Augustus Waters wrote in the eulogy for Hazel Grace, "You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have a say in who hurts you. And I like my choices. I hope she likes hers." In my case, it was a privilege to be your last love and I'm perfectly okay knowing I chose you to be the one who hurts me.
Track 3: "Perfect Two"-Auburn
I walked through the doors of the funeral home to find Edward standing at the end of the hallway. I glued my eyes onto him in fear of my eyes shifting to find you. The last thing I needed was to see someone who was once so alive in a state of lifelessness. After finally giving in and breaking before you, I was forced to walk away and breathe. There was a slideshow of embarrassingly priceless pictures and videos. It began playing with the song "Perfect Two." You were singing along with a cheesy smile and that "beautifully" off tune voice of yours. You had the same tall, tan and scrawny figure that I had familiarized myself with. "You're the smoke to my high; And you're the one I wanna marry." Every time I heard the word "marry," it brings me back to thinking of the picture of us two where you were down on one knee in the middle of the hallway while I was standing in front of you laughing at the looks of confused, passing strangers. The way the corners of your mouth curled up in the video caused a tear to fall from my eye, as I remembered you talking about our forever.
Track 4: Love Yourz- J. Cole
A few months passed by, and I was still looking for ways to remember the parts of you that I felt I was forgetting. I was heading out with Edward to your house, and he told me to listen to J. Cole's "Love Yourz." He said the lyrics reminded him of you, and that the both of you blasted it in the car. As J. Cole says, "No such thing as a life that's better than yours," your brother told me, "there really is no such thing as 'better than Marky.'" The song came on before I fell asleep that very night, and I began crying once I heard, "It's beauty in the struggle, ugliness in the success," because I knew how much you struggled with remaining sane, but for someone who was suffering, you found a way to make it appear charming. I just wish that you lived long enough to recognize your own beauty.
Scene 2: "Letter to Her"-Safe Haven
I consider this to be, the "acceptance" stage of my grieving. In the movie Safe Haven, a woman who is ill writes a letter to the woman her husband will love after she passes away. "I wanted to write this letter because I wanted you to know one very important thing; I'm so glad he's found you," Words that I wish I got to hear from you. As you've been gone for several months, I've been trying so hard to open my heart to someone who can return my love once again, but I find it difficult to move on when I'm still in love with you. Next she wrote, " I only wish I could be there somehow to have met you, and maybe in some ways I am." Hearing these words now, I'm hoping that I'll have your approval of letting him hold me the way you used to, for I miss your voice, your perfect eyebrows, your hands, your smile, the way your hair always had to be put into place, and your model-like poses.
Above all, I miss the look in your eyes when you saw me. Although you couldn't see me because your left eye was blind, you still had the power to look at me as if I was the most important person in the world. I miss feeling that way. I miss you. I love you, and this is my "I'll see you very soon" letter.
Love always: Your wife,
Rylee
