When I think of you, I do not think of how we no longer talk. I do not think of how we can no longer look at each other for more than three seconds. I do not think of how I couldn't leave my room after we stopped talking.
I think of how our first kiss was a dare from my roommate. How you glared at me because I kept goofing around because I didn't know what was about to happen. How no one around us noticed. How we had to kiss again because she didn't see and I just kept laughing. How my face turned bright red, and not just because I was cold. How I felt like there was something there...
I think of how you were the best distraction. How I couldn't focus on anything while you were near me. How homework was forgotten and instead we talked about the future. How you asked me if I thought aliens were real. How you told me our prospective professions didn't really go together. How you thought we should go to Florida instead of Maine. How we both thought we would last longer than a few days more.
I think of the time we spent watching movies in my room. How you dealt with me laying on you until your legs fell asleep. How you didn't complain when I fell asleep on you for an hour. How the movies were more of background noise and we talked about everything. How I poured my heart and my soul out to you. How I told you things I've never told anyone else. How you comforted me while I cried for what felt like hours but was really only a minute or two.
I think of the day where everything went wrong. How I didn't want to talk to anybody. How I couldn't form words. How I felt like I was seconds away from crying all day. How I walked away from you because my life was about to shatter into a million pieces and I didn't want you to be there. How I got back to my room and did nothing but cry. How I wanted you there more than anything but I couldn't find the courage to ask you to come over. How I wanted to apologize for everything.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for how you always had to do things with my friends because yours were to new. I'm sorry that I couldn't concentrate and just wanted to give up. I'm sorry for how I didn't want to leave my room some days. I'm sorry that I couldn't explain what the voices in my head were saying.
I hope one day you will understand and forgive me.
Sincerely,
Katie
