Choreografeels - J-Hope Fanfiction

Bird Pt. 2: Breaking Out

J-Hope's PoV
To be honest, I didn't have anything scheduled for these two days. I spent them faking to leave and coming back after the rest of them were gone, laying on the couch in our living room, staring at the plain ceiling and listening to the steady ticking of our clock. Tick. Tick. Tick.
That's how her heartbeat should've been, steady and calm. It shouldn't have been racing around, stuttering like mine, sending out wrong signals. Can a heart lie? It's a muscle, part of a body. Bodies are honest. Minds are the one's who lie, causing you to misinterpret and overthink. And mine isn't able to let go of her.
Seconds, minutes, hours pass by too quickly - I have too many thoughts to think; I'm continuously losing time. Stop replaying this incident in your head, it was just a misleading case caused by physical activity. Stop holding onto something so small and invalid.
But that's exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to hold onto it, so desperately wanting to cling onto this one single moment and allowing my whole self to get lost in it. A simple second was able to fulfill my body with an overwhelming urge to let myself fall back down the cliff on which's edge I was currently balancing on. Going further and further down, even deeper than I had been last time, it would feel like flying.
I jumped when I heard the front door being unlocked, several voices reaching my ear and destroying the beloved silence. Slowly sitting up, I turned towards the noise to see Taehyung, Jimin and Yoongi taking off their jackets in the hallway.
"Oh? Hyung! We didn't know you were here already!", V greeted me cheerfully, a wide smile on his face which I could only return half-heartedly.
"You finished early today." Suga's comment made the two 95-liners suspicious.
"That's true.. How was it?", Jimin curiously asked.
"Did something happen?", Tae added.
I let out a sigh, not in the mood to answer their questions. "It was good.. Good."
Coming closer, the lead dancer frowned, observing me worriedly. "Hyung, you don't look good.. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm.. Fine. I'm fine. Just tired, that's why I'll take a nap now." Jumping up to my feet, my pace lead me to my room in a hurry, leaving behind three startled members.
It was only after I'd shut the door behind me that I was able to breathe again.
~
I woke up from someone knocking, the dull sounds taking the peaceful state of being asleep away from me. I grumbled to invite the person in and Namjoons head appeared through a gap letting light into my dimmed room. My leader carefully entered, gently closing the door behind him and sitting down on the edge of my bed.
"What is it?", I mumbled, still sleepy.
"You haven't come out for hours."
Only now I realized the sun must have already set since only the last remaining light of dusk was just enough for me to recognize the outlines of my room.
"We already had dinner but we put some aside for you to eat when you're hungry."
"I'm not hungry."
"Did something happen today?"
"Nothing happened."
He let out a small sigh, brushing his hair back with his hand. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me."
That was the thing about Namjoon; he truly, sincerely cared, making it difficult not to open up to him. "Was practice that bad today?", he asked again, not giving up.
"I didn't go today. Nor did I yesterday." The words were out before I could even think about them.
"You.. What?!"
"I told her I have important events scheduled so she'd have to practice alone for these two days. I stayed home."
"But-"
"I don't want the others to know."
There was a short pause, he thoughtfully chose his next question. "Why did you stay home?"
"I had to think."
"Think?"
"Yeah."
"About?"
I remained silent. He knew the answer without me telling him again.
"Why?"
"I think she likes me."
"Hobi.."
"I know how stupid that sounds. I know she didn't even give me answer when I asked her. But I felt her pulse."
"Her pulse."
"It wasn't steady at all!"
"I'm figuring it was during a training session so I hope you remember that increased heartbeat is also caused by physical activity."
"I do but-"
"Hobi", he cut me off, his hand resting on my leg to comfort me. "Looking at this realistically, I think you're turning things around the way you'd want them to be. I can only imagine how hard it is but don't get attached to her. She already hurt you once, I don't want to watch it happen a second time.."
No matter how long I pondered, his words only made more and more sense; they were honest and rational.
"I guess so..", I finally admitted.
"Let's get this over with politely and profesionally." He encouragingly padded my leg a few times before standing up and leaving me alone again.
~
My heart raced in a certainly unhealthy speed whilst I stood in front of the still closed door of the practice room, trying to somehow convince myself to walk in there. I had woken up early - unable to sleep well after my conversation with Namjoon - and forced myself to eat at least something of the food they'd kept for me, it was Jin's cooking after all and I didn't want to upset him. A sigh escaped my mouth as I was gathering my courage. Politely and professionally. Ever since these words left Namjoons mouth yesterday they had become my mantra, giving me strength and faith.
Finally I managed to push down the door's handle, carefully peeking through a small space to check if she was already inside. Of course she was.
I put on my mask of apathy, walking in with determined steps made by shaky legs. Y/N looked up, I could feel her eyes following me as I passed by her with acted composure. I heard her soothing voice greet me and I returned it, not daring to look at her.
"How were your schedules?"
"Good, good."
"Why were you the only one who had appointments?"
Her question startled me, I hadn't prepared been for her getting suspicious. "It's not an unusual thing to have solo appointments." Politely and profesionally. I decided to change the topic before things could get tricky - I didn't want to have to lie to her more than I needed. "Show me your progress."
The fluency and confidence of her moves made it obvious that she'd been practicing like crazy the days I was gone. I used the short amount of time to observe her entirely, having a valid reason to do so while she was dancing. After she'd finished, exhausted from the difficult choreography, she impatiently waited for my feedback.
"Theory: A+, Presentation: C. You still don't pay attention to your facials Y/N."
"Okay", she gulped. "I'll work on it."
I knew she'd wanted to impress me, to make me proud, yet here I was still finding things to criticize even though all I wanted was to praise her hard work and improvements. Politely and professionally.
Today we focused on the timing of our movements as a whole, making sure everything was in sync. It was tiring since we had to repeat the whole dance several times, doing all of it over and over again until even the smallest detail was performed identically.
The training ended late, the sun was already beginning to set and let long rays of orange light shine through the windows. I was already shoving my training clothes into my sports bag when I noticed how intensely she was staring at me and I could feel myself getting nervous. "Would you stop staring at me like that?"
"I like you."
My body froze while my mind was trying to process the just said. For a moment my heart began to flutter but then I recalled Namjoons advice, knowing it was the right thing not to trust her - after all she'd hurt me in the past, who says it won't happen twice. I had to deal with this politely and professionally. "Y/N, this is not something to joke around with nor is this a good time and place to bring it up."
"I like you."
Every time the sentence came out of her mouth, my heart jumped. Closing my eyes, I let out a sigh and concentrated on the only thing that kept me from giving in. Politely and professionally. "I'm serious, stop playing ar-"
"I like you."
The more the amount of times she tells me increased, the weaker I could feel myself getting. Politely and professionally.
"Would you please stop sayi-"
"I like you."
Politely and professionally. "I heard you. Stop saying tha-"
"I like you."
Professionally. "Stop."
A dead-serious expression on her face, her gaze met mine as she emphasized every single word. "I. Like. You."
My thoughts were a mess, racing through my mind without any proper direction, bouncing up and down and all mixed up into one simple, unbearably loud confusion. My hands were buried in my hair whilst I tried to somehow quiten my mind.
Professionally. Professionally. Professionally.
"Stop." The command left my mouth as a whimper, weakened by the panic attack. I had difficulties breathing, my chest in pain as I started shaking unnoticeably.
"I li-"
"STOP!" I screamed at her. My head exploded; I was furious, tears forming in my eyes and making my sight blurry. My jaw clenched, I collect myself for one last word, knowing that I didn't want her to witness my mental breakdown at all costs. "Leave."
She got up, walking two steps towards the exit but hesitating, her head slowly turning towards me. "You must really hate me." Her figure vanished, throwing the door shut behind her with a bang.
As soon as I was alone, I completely lost it. Walls breaking down one by one as I cowered on the laminate flooring, sobbing. Professionally. Fuck professionally.
Too weak to fight them any longer, I allowed myself to actually free the feelings I'd bottled up inside of me. The happiness I felt every second we were in the same room, the regrets I had every time I treated her badly, the warmth that spread every moment I was able to look at her. I was still in love with her - I had never stopped being in love with her. I was a bird that put himself in a cage because his fate was dangerous. But now the time has come for the bird to break out of that cage and fly. And that's what I did; spreading my arms and leaning over the edge of my cliff, a smile on my face as I let myself fall.