Half Blood

Ring o' ring a' roses

 Months had passed since Jacy's encounter with the winged dickbag, Castiel. He had left by the time she resurfaced from her room. Not that she cared; the longer she went without seeing his face, the better. Neither brother spoke of the incident after which she was partly grateful for. It wasn't like anything could be said about it because Jacy wasn't sorry. The words she had spat were not true but she didn't want to take them back because they had the desired effect; they hurt the angel Castiel.

Over the months she had stayed in the bunker, the brothers and Jacy had grown closer. She seemed to click with Dean a lot more due to the similarities in them. Personality wise, they weren't exactly the same but they would often find themselves awake in the middle of the night and sharing a beer whilst watching some trashy TV. They didn't do a lot of speaking but it wasn't really needed. They seemed to have an understanding that didn't need to be spoken and that was all they needed.

Although being closer to the oldest Winchester, that didn't mean that Jacy didn't get along with Sam too. In fact, the pair actually spent most of their time together when Dean was out at bars or off doing something. Now the pair of them were very similar in personalities. They both had a rare kind of gentleness to them, something that gave them an air of a good person.

However great it was with them, Jacy would only allow herself to get so close. Part of her wanted to keep her distance from them because no matter how much she tried to deny it, she could feel the shadows beckoning her. It was hard to be in their presence after knowing they stuck their necks out on the line for her but she was...weak. Was she worth their faith? They had told Castiel that she wasn't a monster, they had defended her. It was shameful to admit that she was beginning to think that the angel had been right. Every time Jacy looked in the mirror, all she could see were his words. Abomination. Half breed. Worthless. Maybe Castiel should have finished his job and killed her. It would have stopped the darkened thoughts that kept her awake at night. It would have stopped the constant throbbing of fear in her heart.

Despite all of the things she had been thinking, it was not what she wanted. All her life she had been taught right from wrong, the line was always perfectly clear. But now it was blurred through her clouded vision. Had everything been a lie? Memories of her parents telling her that she was special played in her mind. Every parent told their child that to set them up with confidence and to make them feel loved. But something in the way they said it and the looks they shared when they thought Jacy wasn't looking made her think otherwise. They had known what she was. The name Crowley even seemed familiar in her mind because she knew she had heard it before: her father used to lock himself in the study for 'important' phone calls. Jacy never questioned it but she could recall that name being passed through his lips.

Not only had her 'parents' known of what she was but they also knew the demon that had created her. Betrayal settled deep within her heart. Had they raised her for their own personal gain? Was the love they showed her even real?

Sam had heard her crying one night after the revelation of news was made. He didn't know how to comfort her and she wasn't entirely sure she wanted the pity. Jacy instead just told him what she was feeling-only about her past, the darkened thoughts were far too personal-and he listened with no judgement. He even told her about his own past and the demon blood that ran through his veins. He was the definition of a good heart so to learn that it was tainted was heartbreaking. But that connection meant that she wasn't alone.

It was selfish of her to be glad about the destruction that had swept through the Winchester family when Sam was only an infant; in fact it was damn right cruel. When the emotion first revealed itself, Jacy was shocked and disgusted. How could she be pleased about the tragedy that had broken the two brothers? How could she find any type of relief in hearing the pain they had gone through after loosing their mother and finding out that Sam had been chosen by the darkness? Maybe this is what that demon meant when she spat those malicious words at her. Maybe Cas was right to call her an abomination. No normal, sane human being would feel that kind of joy to learn they weren't alone even if that meant the host had to go through hell. Because that is exactly how she felt. Jacy didn't care about the pain Sam had gone through, if she had the choice to change it she wouldn't, because that would leave her alone. As she said before, it was selfish. She didn't think she had something like that in her and as soon as the thoughts manifested, she couldn't even look Sam in the eye.