Batman Alternate Universe--Conquering the Beast

Why yah gotta be so Rude?

A.N:If you're new to the universe, here's the layout. Bruce Wayne was born a girl, and her butler, Alfred, is also a girl. Alfred is Polynesian and 4 years older than her liege. Dick Grayson is a 7 year old Asian kid with live parents. Yes, Bruce's parents are dead, she trained with the League of Shadows, and she fights crime. She also has a kick ass sense of humor. If you want more info, visit my other page, Batman and Alfred Alternate Universe One Shots.

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"Oh, snap." Bruce said to herself as she stared at her Batcomputer's screen. "Batarangs are 50% off for Cyber Monday? Awesome!" She quickly clicked across her screen. "Order amount? Fifty...thousand..."

"Sir? Master Bruce, are you down here?" A voice called from the top of the stone stairs.

Bruce looked up. "Yeah."

"Young master Dick is here!"

Bruce quickly task-barred her shopping and brought up the criminal database page.

"Hey dude! What ya doin'?" she asked as Dick and Alfred came down the stairs into the Batcave.

Dick did not reply however. Instead he began slowly making his way towards Bruce, his hand on his heart. Suddenly, he began singing. "Woke up this morning, jumped outta bed, and put on my best suit. Got in a car, and raced like a jet, all the way to you. Knocked on your door, with heart in my hand, to ask you a question. Cause I know that you're an old fashioned wo-man."

Bruce looked at Alfred with a face that can only be described by the acronym: WTF

"Can I be your sidekick for the rest of my life, say yes, say yes, cause I need to know." He abruptly stopped his serenade and gave Bruce the biggest puppy dog eyes, hand still on heart.

"Wait, I think I know this next part." Bruce said, staring off for a minute. "Um, I say: You'll never get my blessing till the day I die. Tough luck my friend, but no still means no!" Bruce nodded at Alfred, proud of herself. "Yeah."

"Oh, come on!" Dick cried, throwing his arms down. "I want to be your sidekick!"

"Don't be ridiculous." Bruce shook her head.

"Pleeeeeeeeeease! I know! I could be Batboy!"

Bruce snorted. "That's an actual profession, Ducky." Bruce shook her head as she laughed. "Besides, what would you call yourself when you got older? Batman?"

At this, Alfred and Bruce burst into furious giggles.

"Oh, brilliant sir. Just brilliant! Batman?" Alfred snickered.

Bruce slapped her knee a few times before she calmed down and wiped her eyes delicately. For a moment, she stared up at the ceiling, trying to get her tears of mirth to be reabsorbed into her eyes. "Oh God, priceless."

Dick wasn't amused. "I'm serious Miss Bruce." He said heatedly, his cheeks beginning to glow with warmth. "I want to be your sidekick. I want you to train me!"

At this Bruce sighed and considered him over her glasses for a moment. "Listen Dick. As I've said countless times before, you are too young. And I know how badly you want to help, but asking me every weekend you come visit isn't going to change my mind. When you are a teenager, maybe then we'll talk. I'm sorry."

Dick turned, his face beet red and began running up the batstairs, once again singing. "Why ya gotta be so rude! Don't ya know I'm human too! Why ya gotta be so rude! I'm gonna be your sidekick anyway!"

Bruce's shoulders sagged and her eyes found her butler. "He's got some sort of romantic idea about what I do." Bruce closed her eyes and lowered her head. "I hate upsetting him..."

"You're doing the right thing, Master Bruce." Alfred said. "He's far too young."

"He doesn't know what he's asking!" Bruce said helplessly. "Doesn't understand how dangerous and hard it is fighting crime out there."

"I know." Alfred came over and placed a hand on her liege's shoulder. "If he went out there with you and saw what it was like for real..." Alfred shook her head.

"Wait." Bruce's head snapped up. "That's it. I need to show him what it's really like! You're a genius Alfred!"

"What? I...sir what are you saying?"

"I need to take Dick with me on a mission! Show him the town, drive him through the downtown district. It'll scare the crapp out of him, and then he'll never ask to be Batboy again!"

"No, no, no." Alfred said, putting her hands on her hips. "You mustn't put Dick in danger!"

Bruce shook her head and tried to appeal to Alfred. "He wouldn't be in danger, Alfie, he'd be with me!"

"Well..." Alfred looked at her friend for a long moment. "I guess it wouldn't be too bad. As long as you were very careful."

"Yes, this is going to work perfectly." Bruce grinned.

***

"But I want to wear a costume like you Miss Bruce!"

Bruce groaned. "Dick, seriously? I'm actually saying I'll take you on a mission and you're not content with that? Besides, you're going to be in the Batmobile the whole time, no one's going to see you."

Dick grabbed her hands and begged. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeese! I can't go out with you and not have a costume! Please, Miss Bruce? Pretty please?"

Bruce sighed. "What in Grodd's name kind of costume do you want?"

"Well." Dick winked. "I've been preparing. I had Mom make me an outfit already!"

Bruce raised an eyebrow. "Okay then."

"I'll be right back! I brought it with me." Dick said as he ran up the stairs. A few minutes later he came flying down.

A green domino mask was strapped to his little Asian face with elastic. A short yellow cape swung from behind him and he was wearing a red tank-top over a green T-shirt. Dick tugged his green gloves on a little tighter as he grinned at them. "What do you think?"

Bruce and Alfred stared with wide eyes.

"Dick, where are your pants?" Bruce finally asked, looking shocked.

"Oh," he looked down. "Yeah, Mom didn't quite get those done yet."

Alfred closed her eyes and shook her head while trying to keep from laughing. "Young master Dick, perhaps you should just wear some regular pants."

"No." Dick shook his head. "This feels good." He said, standing tall in his green underwear. "To the Batmobile!" He said as he turned and ran up the stairs to the secret entrance.

"Wha..." Bruce jolted forward as she tried to see Dick's backside. "Is that Raphael on his butt?"

Alfred couldn't help it and started laughing.