Seeking Comfort

Here We Go Again

Elliot and I had decided together that I would carry our daughter to term. Even though she like the live more than an hour she was still a person, still our daughter. At least that was the plan. I went into labor at 28 weeks. She lived for 23 minutes.

Elliot and I were heartbroken. But we got to say goodbye to our little girl. She was the most beautiful baby. We'd given her a name. Maura. It helped, at least a little.

We had been to therapy, together and separately. We'd even taken a short break from our relationship. We couldn't be around each other without fighting. It had only lasted a week.

An entire year later and we were actually happy again. We were finally married. It was a beautiful ceremony, intimate, only a couple of people.

Our first wedding anniversary had come and gone and we were still so in love with each other.

I can tell Elliot wants to try and start a family soon and he's trying to bring it up subtly.

Every time we pass a park he says something about cute kids and how much fun they are.  But I'm not ready, at least I don't think I am.

We had never taken anything out of the nursery, it was still kind of just there. We never go in, I haven't gone in there in more than a year.

Elliot is the love of my life, and he wants kids. And at one point so did I. I wanted kids with him. And I think somewhere, deep down I still do. I know Elliot would never leave me, I'm not even sure it would cross his mind but if I don't at least think about the possibility of having a baby and have a conversation with him, if I don't at least acknowledge the fact that this is something he wants, he will resent me for the rest of our marriage.

It was supposed to be one of our days off but Elliot has to be in court all day.

I take a deep breath before opening the door to the nursery.

I start to cry immediately.

I see the teddy bear that Elliot bought for her.

He bought it the day after we got back together. He was so excited.

I pick up the bear and sit in the rocking chair.

I look over the room that I had painted two and a half years ago with such care. I was so excited to be a mom. I already had so much love for the little life growing inside of me.

I sit there for the longest time.

I loved our baby girl so much. And it doesn't feel fair that she's not here but I can have more kids.

I think I've finally come to realize that just because we're having more kids, doesn't mean we're replacing Maura. She is still our baby.

I stand up, grabbing my keys.

I come home, lugging paint cans and brushes into the old nursery.

I paint he walls such a pale blue that it's almost grey.

The bear that Elliot bought for Maura is in a box in my closet with her other stuff, ultrasound pictures, her birth certificate, and her death certificate.

I bought a small grey elephant today that's sitting in the crib.

The room looks completely different with everything rearranged and the walls painted.

I manage to get the paint off of me before Elliot gets home.

He walks in the door and he looks like he's in a good mood. There's Chinese take out and wine glasses on the counter.

Elliot pulls me into a kiss and smiles.

"I'm so glad I get to come home to you everyday." He whispers, kissing me again before taking a carton of chinese food.

He pulls me into his lap and I smile. He tells me all about the case.

"Baby, you okay?" He asks softly, brushing my hair behind my ear.

"I'm fine..." I say, kissing him, "I wanted to talk to you though."

"Are you okay?" He asks worriedly.

"Baby, I'm fine." I say with a soft smile, "Just listen."

He smiles kindly at me, stroking my hair.

"I know you want a baby..." I say, "And I've been thinking about it a lot lately..."

"Liv..." He says quietly.

"No, baby, listen..." I say, "I want that too, I want to have a baby with you, to raise a family, I want that."

"Olivia, I don't want to rush you into this." He says, "We have the rest of our lives to start our family, we don't have to do this if you're not ready."

"But babe, I am ready," I say, "I promise you that I did not come into the lightly. I was in her room today, just trying to think. And I realized that the reason I didn't think I wanted more kids was because just after we lost her, the thought of more kids just felt like we were replacing her. I painted and decorated that room for Maura, it didn't feel right that if we had a baby he or should would be in that room. So I painted and redecorated today. Something about that helped. It's something about knowing that we're not trying to replace her that makes me feel okay about trying for another baby."

He smiles before kissing me again.

"Let's do it." He whispers softly.

"Ill call Addie about getting the cap removed as soon as tomorrow." I say.

"I love you so much." Elliot says, kissing me.

Elliot picks me up and carries me to the bedroom, tossing me on the bed.

"What do you say we get in a little practice before the actual baby making starts." He says, kissing down my body.

We'd been lying still for well over an hour. My head resting on his chest.

"El?" I ask softly.

"You okay baby?" He asks quietly.

"I want this, I do," I say quietly, "But it doesn't mean that I'm not scared about getting pregnant again."

"I know, baby." He says softly. "But I know we'll be okay whatever happens, because, we're us. We're Benson and Stabler, well Stabler and Stabler. As long as we've got each other we will always be okay."

"I love you." I say softly, kissing his chest.

"I love you more than you'll ever know." He whispers.