The Place To Be: A Hamiton Fic

Chapter Eight: My Dearest, John Laurens

So sorry for the lack of update! My cousin who I haven't seen in forever flew in to surprise me for Christmas and I took some time off to be with him. But I'm back now 😂

I'm also sorry to everyone who messages me or comments on my board. I wish I could answer you, but I can't because I used a fake email to set this account up. Oops. But I promise I see every single comment and they always make my day❤

Okay here's your update. I love you guys and hope you had a lovely (insert whatever wintery thing you celebrate here).
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Alex's POV

February, a month later

"It's stupid, Alex." John grumbled, hunched over the steering wheel and glaring at the road. "They're your doctors, right? They're supposed to help you! They can't give up on you, they can't, it's so fu-"

"John." I interrupted. "Please don't get angry. It's okay."

"It's not okay, Alex!" John gritted his teeth and made a quick and reckless left turn. I dug my nails into my thighs and said a quick prayer that John Laurens wouldn't kill me before the brain damage could.

"I just can't believe this." John shook his head. "They aren't even willing to run more tests! How can they be sure that you're a lost cause? Alex, you're sure that your memories came back, right?"

"Uhhhhh." Well John, the problem is, I'm pretty sure I remembered, but I can't exactly remember what I remembered.

"Tell me what you remembered." John demanded. "Come on, Alex. If you can just give me some proof I can get the doctors to at least consider giving new treatments a shot."

"I'm not asking for your help with this John." I mumbled, turning my head to look out the window at what passed for winter in California. Scantily dressed girls, boys on longboards, a little girl and her mom walking their dog- generally carefree people.

John took a deep breath. "Listen, Alex. I lost you once already. It's not happening again. I am going to do everything I can to get you help, okay?"

"Yeah, like what?" I scoffed. "I'm going to die, John. You know that. The brain damage isn't going to heal itself and my nerves are shutting down. There's nothing you can do."

John winced. "Don't say that."

"Well it's true."

"That doesn't mean you have to say it!" He said, voice raising. "Alex, if you keep saying shit like that, nothing good is going to happen." John narrowed his eyes and made a turn, scanning the streets for somewhere to stop for lunch.

"I'm just being realistic." I slumped down in my seat and looked out the window again. We sat in silence for a few minutes until John made a quick turn  into a parking lot and pulled into an open spot. I reached for the door handle  to get out, but John put his hand on my leg.

I raised my brow and John gave me a little smile in return. "Alex," he said softly, squeezing my thigh lightly. "I'm never letting you go again. Ever."

"Okay." I muttered.

"I'm serious." John unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over to plop a kiss on my cheek. "I don't care what anyone says. I'm staying with you forever."

"We don't have forever." I reminded him. "We have about five years until the brain damage travels through my nerves to the rest of my body and shuts it all down. But for the sake of you shutting up and buying my lunch, we can call that forever."

John shook his head. "Maybe there's something we can do. When an athlete breaks a bone or pulls a muscle, do they give up? No. They go to the doctor, or go to physical therapy. If we can just bring some of your memories back and get your brain working, maybe it will start to heal itself."

I raised a brow. "And how are we supposed to do that? The only time I've ever remembered anything is when we kissed that one time."

John shook his head. "You remembered Eliza."

"Okay, but Eliza's back in New York. I don't know if you've noticed, John, but we are definitely not in New York." I rolled my eyes.

John kissed my cheek again. "And that's exactly why I'm going to fly you out to New York to stay with the Schuyler sisters for a little bit. I've already talked to Eliza about it."

"John...." I grasped his hands in mine. "John, Eliza still loves me, and I can barely remember her. I don't know if this is a good idea for anyone. Especially for... you know, us."

"I love you." Was all John said in return.

My eyes widened, somewhat shocked. We hadn't really taken that step yet. We had been dating for barely a month! I mean, I knew that John loved me and that I used to love him. But making commitments like that was such a bad idea considering I won't be on this earth much longer.

I don't get the luxury to love.

I looked at John awkwardly. "Oh." I finally mustered.

Really Alex? Oh??? You can do better than that.

John laughed and brushed my hair behind my ears. "Nothing matters to me." He promised. "None of the bullshit. I don't care that you're dying. I don't care that you aren't the same anymore. I don't care that this probably isn't healthy. I don't care that we're cursed. Dammit Alex, I don't care that you won't even say it back, I still love you!"

I cupped his face and slammed our lips together. John smiled into the kiss and wrapped his fingers in my hair. I pulled away only because I felt his tears rolling off his cheeks and onto mine.

"John." I shook my head and brushed his tears away quickly. "My dearest, John Laurens, please don't cry because of me. Please."

He bit his lip and nodded, but John's eyes still filled with tears.

"Come to New York with me." I said suddenly. "Please, John. Just imagine it. You and me, and maybe even Herc and Laf. It'll be like the old days. Hell, I bet my memories might even come back. Please. Come with me."

John nodded immediately. "Of course." He smiled and kissed me again. "I'll do anything for you, Alexander Hamilton."

And while we kissed desperately in the parking lot of that little cafe, I only had one thought. Nothing good could come of New York. Apparently that place was my personal circle of hell, and nothing good could come of trying to rewrite the past and bring back all my memories.

I'm doing all of this for John. This is for him. So he can properly cope when I'm gone. Because when I die, I don't want him to regret anything. I want him to move on and have good memories and love me and himself and everything around him.

Five years. Five years left of my life and I'm already preparing someone for the end of it.

Five years to figure out how I'm going to leave John Laurens alone on this broken Earth.