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2
Wanting but not having. Having but not needing. Existing yet not living. Wanting someone yet feeling worthless. A jumble of those things is my present state of being.
You are worthless.
I sighed as my conscious was back to taunt me.
Taunt you..? Whatever i say are the things you don't want to admit to yourself.
I ignored it, even though it was true. But i can't do anything about it. Someone out there will hopefully help me deal with these demons inside of me.
Don't delude yourself, he isn't going to love you back.
That sent a sharp pain to my chest. I numbly held the place above my heart as it stung for a few more seconds. Why must it be this way..?
Because you deserve it.
There's this sick sense of pleasure in loving someone that will never love you. You know that you're going to get hurt, you know that you're digging your own grave , but... It seems worth it. Either its your strong belief or your stupidity at its best.
I don't know how it happened. How can you love someone who you haven't met..? Then again , i haven't met Mikael Åkerfeldt or Steven Wilson , but i love them. But its probably not the same thing. I get those damn butterflies in my stomach everytime i get a text from the guy. Well, its either because its love or stomach cancer. I was honestly hoping it was the latter.
Its been a week since i've slept or eaten. With Aaron and how he died, my sad excuse of a love life, the doctors appointments, the treatments, saving up for a new amp, the blame game, the guilt, the new opeth album ,the lack of sleep and food... I'm draining myself whole.
You deserve it.
I stared at my fingers . It looked like they've been put thru a shredder since i've been playing the guitar till my fingers bleed. I'm sure of it. I'm going mad , with only a guitar as company. I need to talk to someone.
But you don't have anyone.
That's alright, because people are strange anyway. A smile crosses my lips realising that i had just referred to The Doors.
People are indeed strange. Friends , enemies, family , all of them are strange in their own way. Talking about friends , who needs them..? Instruments are better anyday.
Like you can have friends to begin with.
I press my temple lightly as a head ache seems to have honored me with its presence. I wish it would all just disappear...
Bane. I need him.
I get off the ground and pick him up. A sigh of content escapes my lips as i hold the beast of a guitar by the neck. I lovingly run a finger along the A string, relishing the sense of comfort it provided me...
