After the break up I was honestly sad for a month or more, I get a little upset about it still. One of those days soon after the break up I locked myself in my bathroom with a knife while my parents were at work. I was crying so much I was scared to die. But I just didn't want to be there. No one understood what I was going through or at least that's just how I felt. I sat there on the floor staring at the knife, it was blurry because my tears filled my eyes and I couldn't stop them. I contemplated my suicide for an hour. Then I threw the knife across the bathroom. I screamed. I chose to live. Not only was I fearful of it. I was afraid that it wouldn't work and I would be put into a mental institution. I couldn't be selfish either. What about my mom, my dad, and grandma. I couldn't just leave them. I know it may be crazy to think about killing myself after a breakup but its not just the breakup. It was the rumors, my feet, the pain all day everyday, and not to mention my family issues. But I chose to live for them anyway.
I know it was because they cared and they were worried but I was slightly mad at them for telling my parents, but after I told my friend Connor about what happened in the bathroom he told our friend Coby and then they told my mother. My parents hide knife and scissors from me. And they took my to a psychiatric doctor. I hated every minute of having to talk to him because he didn't understand. He probably thought like my father, thinking I'm crazy and idiotic for it. My dad decided to have a long talk with me about it and that didn't help any of my sadness. If anything it made it worse because he talked about my deceased grandfather and how he has problems too. He even showed me a texted from my step mother saying " are we getting a divorce?" I asked what was going on. And he said my step mother was complaining about me and my father's reply to her was "if you don't like it get out of my fucking house!" He stood up for me against her. I still didn't want to be the reason for their divorce. I wanted everyone around me to be happy. That's all I ever want. I don't want people to fight because of me. I don't want people to hate. But if I don't want anyone to hate me I guess I should stop hating myself. But its hard when there are just so many things to hate.
