[(A/N) Hey, so this is a phan story, and it's kind of a different one? And yes, it will contain triggering stuff, I'm warning you now. Anyway, thanks for reading this, stay awesome:) xx
Dear Dan,
If you're reading this, then I'm probably dead. Or it's just me, reading this over again. In that case, fuck off future Phil, and carry on living your life.
But if this is you Dan, then I'm sorry.
For everything.
And to be honest, you'll probably hate me around about now.
But I've written you this letter to explain to you how I felt, this past year, and how you didn't notice I was spiralling down into this deep, deep abyss of depression and self loathing until it was too late to pull me out again.
It's January 11th as I write this, but you'll probably find it later.
And do you know what I'm going to do dan?
I'm going to write a letter for every month. Every single month of this year, taking you through my life one month at a time until you realise how it became possible for me to do it, to kill myself.
Because that's what I've done, Dan.
I killed myself.
And yes, one of the reasons was you.
But it wasn't your fault, you didn't do anything, apart from being straight.
Because I loved you, and you didn't love me back, in fact you didn't notice what was happening to me.
And for that, I hate you.
But I love you, and you know that.
Again, I'm so sorry for what's happened.
But at the moment, it's half past ten, and you're out for the weekend with peej and Chris. I said I couldn't go, because something came up, and you didn't say anything about it.
But I suppose you couldn't, could you? Because you've made yourself stop noticing me, and not care about me, and I know you can see what's happening to me, you just choose to ignore it because you don't want this burden.
But who wouldn't do this?
I guess it's the easiest thing to do.
There's a song like that.
It says love is easy.
Well let me get this straight.
Love is not fucking easy.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Not the killing myself bit, that was fine. I didn't care about that.
But the leaving you? That hurt.
Knowing that you'd come home to find me, and never be the same again.
I'm sorry it has to be this way, but this is how it needs to be.
I love you, Dan.
For infinity.
Phil.
