Silence but never silence, some thoughts are nothing but shallow and some may go beyond the deepest I could get. These notions are never spoken, yet words are striking within the depths to the core. Sometimes I wish I could just shut it down but my mind is more stubborn than I am, it is penetrating me completely without a fight, ripping apart the memory I had long forgotten and shattering all pretentions I had kept all to myself.
The room is dreary and cold, I found myself running towards the open door at the end of the hall. People pass by and don’t seem to bother; it makes you feel all alone. Suddenly I stopped and I don’t know what to do. I was weakened and soon afterwards I was on the ground, these feelings keep being so strong. I want to scream yet my voice is nowhere found. I tried to stand but my knees are trembling cold. I kept my eyes closed, trying to stop the last thing I reminded myself not to do. Cry. Then tears are running slowly drop after drop, my hands reached on my cheeks denying those tears the right to exist, wiping them off but it just never stops.
“Freia! Freia! Freia Antoinette Oleanders!"
I was startled by a suddenly loud but familiar voice that seems in a hurry, perhaps I’m still trying to make a sense of reality when it is now slowly sinking in that it really was a dream and it was the same dream again. I opened my eyes and felt a burn of tears running down my cheeks, why am I still crying? I’ve dreamt of this for about 4 or 5 times already. I wonder. This nostalgic feeling seems lost because I don’t really remember that scene from happening. I’m not certain but I had been to that place, I just can’t seem to point out where it is exactly. I’m not even sure who I am running from. Did that really happen? Was it just a trance of my subconscious self? At this point, it is one question after another and the more I think about it, the more unanswered questions I get.
Crying is a weakness for me, that vulnerable and helpless idea when you can’t do anything towards a situation. Believe me, I am far from perfect but I cannot be resolved that I can’t just do anything. I have always been a strong person, as much as possible I never want anyone to see me weak. And that girl, that I saw from my dream... is not me.
