A Prison from Within

4.

How could I have failed? I was supposed to be with her, protect her and now i’m back to where I started.  My mind was swirling with the what if’s on what I should or could have done. I should have been quicker. I should have brought the leg with me, I could have pried the door open instead of ramming into the door with my shoulder.  This man in front of me, with his clean shoes standing out against our surroundings.  

I finally found my voice as the guards shackled my hands and feet , once again. “Where is she?”  It’s been so long since I’ve heard my own voice , its not as smooth or as deep as it used to be.  Now it’s rough and dry form the lack of the water over the years. Instead of answering my question the man walked off while telling the guards that were holding me to follow him. My bare feet snagged on the rusted, metal, grates as they dragged me along following their masters orders. I could feel small cuts starting to form on the tops of my feet, they stung the most out of all of my wounds. They had to drag me the same way I came which meant being yanked and pushed up and down stairs and at one point I stopped to peel the rest of my toenail off seeing as it had been partially ripped off from being dragged over the grates. I didn’t even blink when I pulled it off, I just watched as I peeled the nail off as slowly as possible exposing the pink flesh underneath.

One of the guards turned to me, “What are you doing freak?” I didn’t say anything, just stood from my squatted position on the floor and held the nail in front of his face. His face was funny, shock then disgust all in one. That is a new expression for me.  The guard finally snapped back to attention and pushed me to the ground with unnecessary force. “You’re crazy!”  I looked up at him from the floor and smiled, he didn’t like that to much but said nothing when the guard behind me cleared his throat. Instead of waiting for me to get up he turned and walked ahead, leaving me and the other guard to catch up with him. We ended up in front of the keepers chambers, with  two other guards stationed outside of his doors and my other escort already inside talking to the keeper.  They both looked up when I entered the guard giving me a heated stare before baking up to the closest wall while

 the his partner guided me to a chair placed in front of the keepers desk.

The keeper looked at me, his face hardening into an animal like mask  and spit out at me, “She’s dead,” How could he say such a thing while sitting so calmly in his big leather chair. She is not dead. “You killed her all those years ago.” Lies, they are the ones who took her from me! I could never have done something like that, she is my little girl.   

“You’re lying to me!” I slammed my fists against the table which made the guards in the corners step forward, their guns clasped tightly in their hands ready to subdue me at any moment.  The keeper held his hand out to them without looking at them, signing that everything was ok.   He looked at me his eyes clearly showing his hate for me but he never said a word, just reached in a drawer and placed a yellow folder on his desk.  He opened it gently, picking up a few of the many papers and handed them to me. I wasn’t sure of his intentions at first but decided that a few papers wouldn’t hurt any.  No,no,no,no. The weren’t papers at all but photographs of a little girl laying in a pool of blood, her neck turned to the side showing what looked to be a bone protruding against her skin. Her face was pale, no longer showing her rosy cheeks that I knew used to show.

“She w-wouldn’t stop crying,” I remember now,  how she started crying while holding that broken doll and asked when I would let her go.  I got angry at her, I could feel the heat rising to my face when I stood up and yelled at her but she only cried harder. I just wanted her to stop crying, the high pitched wails coming from her mouth kept echoing throughout the room making them louder than I ever thought possible. I couldn’t stop myself from grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her roughly, her hair flying from the force. Her doll fell from her grasp, leaving it shattered in pieces on the floor. She stopped crying when she heard the sound of her doll shatter, surprised I let her go and watched as she fell to the ground and gently picked up a shard of the dolls face. She had stopped sobbing now but the tears still ran down her flush little face. I could see her hate for me in her eyes as she stood up to face me, her little hand clutched the shard of the dolls face cutting her palm enough that blood dripped of her clenched fist and onto the floor. I reached for her hand but she backed away quickly and glared at me, she never glares only smiles. What have I done? I apologize but it didn’t look like she was listening to me anymore, she only said something that broke my heart. “I hate you.” Her sweet little voice saying something so harsh made my whole world turn red.

 “I d...didn’t mean to hit her that h...hard, I just… just wanted her to stop y-yell...yelling at me. She never said she h-hated me, never. ”   I couldn’t help the stuttering, my voice was not used to being used. It even hurt some from the way my throat was burning.

“What happened after you hit her?”

“She fell...” I can see it now, how her head hit the bottom of the steps. I can hear how her neck made a crunching noise like how she used to stomp on the dried fall leaves when we went on walks. I didn’t move at first, to shocked to comprehend what really happened but then I saw the blood. I scrambled to her, calling her name and gently stroking her face which was slowly becoming cold beneath my fingertips. I started to cry, my tears clouding my vision.

“Thats where we came in the picture right?” I nodded. My hands lay limp on my lap, still clenched into fists.

“S..she can’t be d...dead. I talked to her in that room!” My voice rose again but I was wise enough not to make any movements this time.  He looked away from me, his face softening while letting out a quiet sigh.

“That was not her. That was a psychologist here to give you a psych evaluation,”

“W..w..why would she need to do that?  You already know I’m crazy and a murderer, that’s why i’m here.” My voice was getting stronger now, more confident and precise.  He sighed again, leaning forward as he did so, his fingers locking together on the top of his desk.  

“She was here to see if you were sane enough to know what you did to that little girl and to my men.” I don’t understand, I’m already in here why do I need to be evaluated. He must  have seen my confusion because he spoke again. “You have been sentenced to death for your crimes.”