Free Falling

Chapter 3

         I've taken some time to think all of this through. There is just so much to process. It's been a whole month. 1 month. One. Month. It feels like forever and is never gonna end. So far, I feel the same but now even more sad. Going to school everyday and seeing them together just breaks my heart. I want to crawl up in a ball in a corner and ball my eyes out almost everytime. This isn't the only time that he's broken my heart.. I think this is the 3rd time. Why does that even matter though, I love him. I've loved him for two years. Not only do I have love for him, but I am in love with him. He means everything. There's times that when we talk I feel like he's flirting, but I am happy about that but yet what about his girlfriend. That is so wrong. He's so irresistable I just wish we were still together. I don't ever stop thinking about it. It is always in the back of my mind. I just hope that he's happy, because I enjoy seeing people happy or smile, especially when it comes to him. He just has a perfect laugh. Perfect smile. Everything about him is perfect and I would do anything for him. I don't think that he understands that but at least he doesn't have to worry about me anymore. Not in that way. He doesn't have to make sure I'm happy or anything. That isn't his job anymore. Since he stepped down I had to learn how to take care of myself. I always try to look on the brightside but when it comes to its really hard. Especially when I just stand there seeing them laugh together and be happy and everything. When that happens its really hard to think on the brightside. He's doing evrything we did together but with her. There's other things I can count on now. My friends, my dog, my family. I think that when we were "exclusive" I kinda forgot about a lot of them. My world sorta revolved around him. Almost everything I did, it was for him. When it all ended,I kinda realized everything I was missing out on. I lost friends because of him and the friends I had left, we weren't all that close anymore. Some of the friends that I lost were ones that I knew since I was in elementary school. There was just something about him, other than his looks, altheticism, the way he made me feel safe that drew my attention towards him. I didn't know what it quite was. In this last month I learned more about myself and some other things about what shoudn't happen in a relationship. Let's use throwing away friends for your boyfriend as an example. I would have to say that was one of the stupidest things that I had ever done. I don't regret dating him, but I do regret coming to the point where I lost myself and friends in the process. We still talk in the halls it just sucks since we don't have classes. I feel bad for liking him... He has a girlfriend and I know that if someone liked my man I wouldn't want him to have anything to do with her. His girlfriend is pretty and nice and everything, I just don't understand why he would dump me for her. He's an idiot. I guess he got bored of me, the more I think about it, I answer more of my own questions. He was the thing that was holding me together. I can admit, I'm a total mess at the moment. People always tell me, date a guy that ruins your lipstick not your mascara. Which I can admit, that is very true for someone to tell me but there will be fights in all the relationships. No matter if its a little one or a big one. I guess, he just wasn't strong enough to take on a relationship.... with me. He obviously can have one with another girl but I think I just need to learn on how to move on.