The Will of a 15 Year old

A Year Before

October 1, 2015

It's turning dark outside since it's about 6:30 and winter is coming. I have to leave soon to go out. I really don't want to. Most days lately I just want to sit at home and do nothing. I would rather look out a window for hours on end than do anything else. I'm just not in the mood to do anything anymore. I've learned to not expect much from life anymore, then at least I won't get disappointed when nothing happens.

I'm just sitting at my dinning room table, supposed to be doing homework but I just can't. I have this feeling inside of me that precludes me from doing anything. When ever I just pick up a pencil I can't help but throw it back down. I get up and leave the room to go and check my phone. It feels so toxic in my hand because I guess sometimes I just hang out with the wrong people is all I can say. I gotten my phone taken away multiple times because I keep talking to "them" but I can't help it. I've tried so hard over the last couple of years to constantly delete my conversations so my mother doesn't see them but whatever I do she seems to read them anyways. It's actually really vexatious. When she doesn't allow me to do something it just makes me want to do it even more.

I'm just staring at my screen right now which is turned off. I can't help but just want to text "him" but I know I'm not supposed to. I turn on my screen and turn it off right away and put it down. I shouldn't be doing this, I know. Somehow he is one of the only people that makes me happy. For every single person that comes into my life each time it only makes me realize more that it's only him I want in my life.

I can't deal with this anymore so I put down my phone and lye face down on the couch. I stop breathing for a minute and realize how beautiful the silence can be sometimes. I suddenly hear the soft hum of the garage door being opened, so I sit bolt upright and run back into the dinning room where I once again pick up my pencil and start writing. When my mother comes in she just walks past and tells me to get changed to go out, which I do.

I climb the stairs and go into my door where I shut the door and just sit on my bed and close my eyes. A single tear runs down my face as I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. Faster than I can even think I turn it on go to the chat and type "Hey". I know he probably won't answer for at least an hour like he usually does. He never texts me first and I don't know why.

I get changed really fast and grab my phone to see if there is a reply. to my disappointment there isn't. So instead I put it in my pocket and walk down stairs with sadness written all over my face.

~•~

We are driving in the car and we slow down to stop at a red light. Suddenly the street light overhead goes out. We are left in the dark and somehow I feel such a great calming just sitting here. At that same moment my phone vibrates and a notification appears saying I have a text from "Him". I don't know why but a small smile comes on my face and I feel slightly happy for once in my life.