The Pool of Anguish

Disassociate

I feel invisible, like others look through me. I even look through myself, in the mirror.
Am I human?
What is my purpose here?
Am I real?

Can I feel?
Most times the fact that I exist is not apparent.
Other times, I feel content.
Other times I'm reminded of mortality, like the rush of blood and oxygen through my veins.

I can't make connections with people because I feel empty.
And so they seemingly look through me.

If I do feel one thing, it is tired.
Tired of being poor, depressed, and weak.
Wondering if I'll ever succeed.
If the universe will make something out of me

Or will I just be another death in a sea of millions?

Tired of watching my parents struggle, tired of struggling with them
Tired of them not indicating that my existence is enough
Tired, tired, tired.

I see why people are driven to crime
Because you get no good from this world being religious or having morals.
The world fucks you over again and again
Because that's the way it is.

I will never again let religion make a fool of me, or hope, or happiness.
None of it lasts.
I will not suffer in the name of religion
For someone who's already supposed to have suffered for my supposed sins.

I will not submit to the masochistic ritual of saying that I'm not worthy of forgiveness.
That I'm undeserving of the creator's kindness
That I have to be complacent with suffering and being mortal.
These thoughts suck the faith and energy out of me.

Some people cling to harmful ideas of religion and then wonder why they have a mental breakdown.
For some, religion is all they have
For some, destroying their faith is dangerous.

I don't bother imposing my worldview on others, but when you put it into perspective, it's all just bullshit.