He's my brother

Chapter Seventeen

I didn't sleep very well that night. I don't remember dreaming but from all of the tossing and turning I did I guess I could just be trying not to remember them. I am scared to get out of bed and face the day that awaits me. I am scared of what I may learn. But most of all I am scared of what I may loose. Of who I may loose.

Getting out of bed was hard enough so getting dressed was not an option. Besides, even though she's not my biological mother, she's still seen me naked before. As a baby of course! I'm not talking about going downstairs naked or anything! I'm fully covered by my pjamers!

Seeing her was harder than I expected though. I mean, I've known this woman as my mother my whole life and now she's just... I don't know. She's obviously not a stranger and yes she has taken care of me for all these years but she's not actually my mother either. But at the same time she is. Not literally but technically.

"Sweetheart..." was the first word she uttered as I walked into the kitchen. She had chosen the gentle approach then. Unless she really wasn't angry.
Looking down, I gave a small little wave; completely lost for the words I wanted to say.
"I really am sorry Jess. I understand that you must be feeling alone and betrayed but I honestly just wanted to give you the best possible life. Your mother she... It really was for the best" she said sadly.
"Was she abusive or something?" I asked curiously.
"No, no it was nothing like that Jess. Really, it wasn't. She wasn't ready for a child but she wanted you to have a good life. She even chose your name..."
"She did? Then why did she get rid of me?" I asked, tears filling my eyes.
"She was fifteen. She was from a religious family and she was terrified. She contacted the adoption agency when she was sure she was pregnant to tell them about her situation. She had rebelled and gone to a party where she drank alchol for the first time. She got really drunk and didn't remember losing her virginity. But then weeks later as she was grounded and locked in her bedroom she became very ill and that's when she found out about the pregnancy. Her parents hated her for it as their religion forbid sex out of marriage but abortion was also not allowed. She knew adoption was the only answer so here you are" she said, tears streaming down her own face now.
My mother didn't give me up because she didn't want me. She gave me up because having me wasn't an option. My grandparents wouldn't allow that. They didn't want their daughter to mother her child because it went against their beliefs. They made her feel wrong and alone and pushes hee into making a decision that she may not have, had the circumstances been different. Would I have been religious if I had stayed with her? Would I be a different person? Would I have been allowed freedom in my life?
"Do you know where she is? Or what her name is?"
"I don't know where she is. She could have ended up anywhere after the adoption. I'm sorry Jess. Really, I am. I can tell you her name though. Her name is Elizabeth Faith Coleten."
So my name would have been Jessica Coleten. It's a strange thing to think about the different first names you could have had if your parents had decided differently but in this case it really would have been different. Not knowing why but having to anyways I asked,
"What would you have called me if you had been given the choice?"
"Oh, sweetheart I was given the choice but I thought it was more important that she was able to at least give you your name. She deserted that much. You deserved that. But if you mean what would I have called you had you been the child I had given birth to then no, you wouldn't have been called Jessica. As soon as your mother said it I knew it was right but it wouldn't have been my original choice. I had never really wanted to have children with letter matching names but I already had Jordan picked out when I found out he was a boy. Before I knew that I was getting you. If I had chosen your name I think it would have been Alysia or Maya. But it's only a name and I never thought I would be able to choose a name for the child I adopted anyway. A name I didn't choose didn't make you any less mine."
"It was nice of you to do that. To let her choose. I think I understand that. But why didn't you give me a middle name?"
"Because I think I would have resented it. I think if I had chosen your middle name but not your first... I don't know. I wanted you to be mine so badly but at the same time I didn't want to take your history away from you."
"Was there any point where you wished that some other family had adopted me? Did you ever just want it to be you and Jordan?"
"No. I always wanted a little girl and I always wanted more than one child. It was your father - I mean Jordans father who..."
"He left because of me didn't he...?" I asked as the realisation hit me hard. He had left because he didn't want to look after some random kid. Maybe he had wanted me before Jordan was born. Maybe he had only wanted one child. Maybe I ruined things for everyone.

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