Sunlight by Light-and-Smoke

Chapter 25

They slept side by side that fateful night, an inch of space between them. Klaus watched her for a while after she fell asleep, the troubled pucker of her brow stirring something inside him. That frown hadn't fully disappeared after their conversation, and honestly, he couldn't blame her.

He was truly surprised that she hadn't left. He could give her the world, but not what she wanted. And if he had wanted to lie to her, as he had lied to thousands of other people and even those closest to him over the centuries, he could have. He could have lied and said those words. But just the very thought of lying to her like that made his stomach clench with an emotion he hadn't felt in years – guilt. Caroline brought up those emotions inside him, summoned up feelings he had only ever felt as a human, feelings he had shut down in his first century of being a vampire.

He should leave. He was petrified of feeling what he felt around her, not being in control of the emotions he hadn't switched off, but hadn't remained in close connection with over the centuries. He wasn't good for her, and he knew that he never would be. Just by realizing that, he should have left. He should leave her.

But he couldn't. He didn't even need to think it through to know he couldn't. He was too selfish and greedy – he needed her even though he couldn't give what she needed in return. He couldn't leave the one light part of his damned dark existence. He was weak, and she was his strength.

Klaus shut his eyes tightly, clenching his jaw. How had this happened? How had the baby vampire, the one woman who had been a challenge gone too far, how had she snuck under his skin? How had her presence, her soul somehow enveloped him so? Had it been through their countless talks? The hours spent with him and his family? Or had it been when they were intimately wrapped around each other, with her very essence sinking through his skin, past the muscles, past his cage of ribs, past that final barrier that protected his shrunken heart? He knew he had a heart, somewhere buried inside of him like the ruins they explored. It was small, to be sure, severely battered and bruised, and spoke a language that no matter his years or knowledge he knew he would never speak, but he did have a heart. It was that he knew he didn't have a heart he could give her. He had to believe in it and the things attached, like love –

Love. What was love anyway? His family loved him, but he questioned it daily. It had been something Mikael had been sure to drive into his very being – that he was a nobody, that he was weak for wanting, for needing attention and affection, that he was his mothers biggest mistake and Mikael's deepest embarrassment and burden, that his siblings did not care for him for why should they care for someone who was nothing to them? He was not their family. He had no family. He had never had family. Why else did he continue to get mad at them for wanting to leave, boxing them up until he knew how best to make them stay, being utterly alone time and time again? They may love him, but he refused to acknowledge it for he was not deserving of it, for he was blind to the actions that showed such affection.

Klaus knew he was damaged. He knew he was not deserving. He knew he hid a weakness with his blank brutal actions. And he knew he did not hold the capacity to love because he had never understood it. But it didn't stop others from loving him unconditionally. Rebekah had proved that she would stay by his side always and forever, loving him despite all his wrongdoings. Elijah had been a support and an ally, the true head of the family when Klaus merely pretended to have strength and control, and Klaus' big brother did that all out of affection for him. Even Kol showed his care through the countless bickering matches and irritating quips, never truly leaving his brother alone even when he wasn't wanted.

And Caroline. Now sweet Caroline did the same. She had not left him, thought she could have countless times over by now. She had never shown anything but affection towards him once her barriers came down. She had given him so many chances, and even when he had not proved himself worthy she had still chosen him. They had come so far together. And now he was disappointing her once more.