Bound By Contract

Chapter Seventeen

Christina's P.O.V.

Delving deep into my innermost thoughts I find I have some very mixed feelings about Michael from these past few months of knowing him. Honestly I still don't really understand him, his contract or this relationship. However I've learned that if I don't ask questions and go with the flow, my time here will be much more pleasant.

The first few weeks I began to live here were very lonely. I felt as if this huge ranch was my jail cell. I had no one to talk to; no one ever strikes up a conversation with me, especially Luisa and her people who, after all that has happened still has it in for me. When I walk into a room, the people in it stop what they're doing, stop their conversations and look down. It makes me feel like all of a sudden, with no fault of my own, I have become very unpopular. To make myself feel better I tell myself that people probably feel intimidated by me now, for whatever reason, and feel like they'd have nothing to say to me.

I don't feel very comfortable around the house either. No matter what my marital status may be now, the things here on this ranch aren't really mine and I feel bad using anything. Nor can I go out to distract myself. I do have the car Michael gave me, but there have been paparazzi guarding Neverland's gate since we returned from the wedding. And after seeing what they do to Michael, I would never risk going out by myself. No, those days are over. So almost always I end up by myself, shut up in my room in my own space, the only place that I really ever feel comfortable.

However the past couple of weeks have been so much better and things have changed notably. All of a sudden Michael has invited me to spend time with him, and although at first I didn't want to go and deal with him, and instead stay in my room where it's safe, I decide to go. Not to mention that I'm not even sure if I HAVE to go or not; like I'd be going against the contract or something.

Something in me wanted to see the happy-go-lucky Michael that I know he can be and is fun to be around. Because when we are together we have so much fun. To me it seems like we could have been best friends in another time and in other circumstances. And with that smile he has... OH THAT SMILE... it's not easy NOT to fall for him because at times he has the qualities of the perfect guy. But then he goes and reminds me that all we ever are is only part of a contract.

Then I have to think, why take the time to be with me when he doesn't really have to? I argue this to myself all the time in the solitude of my room.

I sigh. But last night he kissed me and told me he had feelings for me. The revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. Deep inside I think it was the thing I most wanted to hear from him, but never ever expected. He's like a platonic love. A forbidden fruit. Someone with whom I could never be with for whatever reason. I sigh deeply.

Today, my eyes heavy from not being able to sleep from the insomnia last night caused. If there was ever a time I was confused it was now. It seems like the confession came out of thin air, really. I honestly didn't think he really liked me at all. After all is said and done, I am extremely afraid of getting hurt. I'm never sure when he's playing the role of "doting husband" of the contract and being genuine. When is it just for show and when is it for real? I just don't know.

Today the world doesn´t seem half as gloomy as it did yesterday. Finally emerging out of the seclusion of my bedroom, I want to feel the warm sun on my face, the wind in my hair and the pure joy of being alive, which is something I was beginning to forget existed.

Walking in the area immediately in the back of the house, which I wouldn´t quite call a backyard since the ranch is just so huge, the lemon trees are giving off their fragrance. It is in the middle of autumn and the trees are shedding. Their leaves fall randomly on the well kept grass. It looks a little messy, and I guess I can rake those leaves since I really don´t have anything better to do. Grabbing a rake that is leaning against one of the trees, I begin to rake together the crunchy brown leaves, humming blissfully to a random melody I have in my head.