Musings.

Musings - 1

January 18th, 2014

Is it weird that I'm 17, but I've never been kissed before? It seems like everyone I know has that awful first-kiss story. Everyone but me. Sometimes I laugh it off, convincing myself that it's better this way. At least I can have a good first kiss, right?

Except now I've started to question myself more. No guy has ever shown interest in me, not the kind that I've always dreamed about. Not the good kind, not even the bad kind.

My insecurities have grown. My confidence with my sexuality has decreased. Am I pretty enough? Do I have a good enough personality? And the most scary question of all that keeps me up during some long, lonely nights: Will I ever be loved?

Now, I hate to sound all Bella Swan and stupid with my "teenage angst," and I'm sure some of you are laughing at me and rolling your eyes thinking, wow she's lived a troublesome life alright, no guys, huh?

And I get it. Compared to all the other billions of problems out there in the world, my biggest fear of ending up unloved and alone seems stupid. I'm only 17; I have so much more time to worry about this later when I'm older.

But still. For someone who is surrounded by beautiful people at school who seem to be living the life I want to live, it hurts.

And what's ironic is that I'm one of the happiest girls at school. I'm that girl who's always laughing, always smiling, usually bright and optimistic.

But under all that joy and laughter, there's a dark, hidden pain that no one knows about. There's that pain of not being desirable. That ache of never being touched in the most gentlest of ways. The terror of never finding someone who will see me attractive enough to make me their first choice, not a settled-down second choice.