Musings.

Musings - 2

February 22nd, 2014

It's funny how I always seem to want to write true life events when I'm depressed. How does that work? It seems like I always want the world to know about every good little thing that has ever happened to me, but as soon as the insecurities start to haunt me, I have to write them down and find a way to destroy them.

And now I'm sharing them with you.

Ah, the irony.

Maybe it's because I want someone to tell me I'm not alone.

I'm secretly selfish and constantly seeking attention. Which is funny because at school I seem like the really nice girl, who doesn't give a damn about what anyone thinks about her.

What a lie.

I hate that I care. I hate that it bothers me when someone describes me as weird to their friends, even if they mean it as a joke. I hate that even though I act my mind, a small part of me cares about how others see my actions. Not that it stops me, but still.

Am I really as nice as people think I am? Am I really as nice as I think I am? Or am I really just nice for my own, selfish needs?

But, anyway. Changing the subject.

There's this guy in my class. He's so sweet and kind and cute. He's a little dorky and so mature for his age. And such a gentleman. An actual gentleman.

Where the hell do you find a guy like that in your high school?

Well, I found this gem. I found him this year. We became friends. We're pretty good friends. And I really like him as a person, though I don't have a crush on him.

I always find myself wanting to spend some time alone with him. Just to hear him tell me about his life. To kind of uncover the stories that have made him so great.

And it's sad because he's not popular, though everyone kinda likes him. Girls agree that he's sweet and guys agree that he's pretty chill, but he's not that guy, you know, the guy every girl wants.

But we're not that close. Not close enough for me to ask him to hang out alone without other people being suspicious. Which sucks. But what's worse is that even if he agreed, I probably wouldn't be able to hang out with him just because I live so far away from him and my parents would find it iffy that I wanted to hang out with a guy alone.

So this hidden diamond is only in one of my classes, which is a blank period. It's the one period that don't have any classes in so we can do whatever we want - one of the perks of being a senior.

It's strange, though, because one day we were talking about the push-and-pull system, a term my friend and I made up that described how when girls become close to a guy he instantly backs off but when the girl starts to back off, the guy reaches back for her. So this guy decided to tell me about a personal situation to show how girls do the same thing.

Honestly, I don't know much about his life. I know more than a friend would know, but not enough.

So he tells me about this girl that goes to his church. He tells me about how he likes this girl, and how she seemed to like him back, but as soon as he revealed his feelings for her, she backed off. But they would both pray to God and He would tell them if they were meant to be together.

I don't know why but my heart kind of squeezed a little when he told me his story. I felt jealous of the girl, the stupid girl who had landed such a great catch who would keep her so happy but refused him anyway. I felt jealous of him for finding such a sweet girl, for being able to have the guts to tell her how he felt about her.

But most of all I felt despair. Despair because he liked another girl and because he would never like me? Despair because no guy had ever been so kind to me? Despair because his story brought a rush of unlovable feelings in my direction?

I don't know. I don't know if my liking for him is getting deeper. I don't know if my feelings will develop into a crush. I don't know if I'll ever find such a great guy again in my life.

I kind of wish I had the guts to tell him about all his great qualities, to appreciate him and show him what a great person he is. But I'm afraid that if I open my mouth, his ego will inflate and his character will change or what if he thinks I like him and stops being my friend?

It's too risky.

But sometimes I wish I would let myself like him. And at times I'm glad I don't have such deep feelings for him yet, because if I did, I would be asking for heartbreak.