My Bubble Of Antidepressants And Shrine Of Problematic Events

I

'I didn't die, that's my consolation prize.'

- Montaigne, Consolation Prize.

<~>

I didn't know what to think at first, I was in a trancelike state, a blur of emotions cradled me into a den of unknowing, a not so blank canvas of white had been immersed is a pool of varying colour within the sheer span of seconds.
For me, it was incomprehensible, the words were a tangled cobweb, a scattered mess of which I wished to rid with an utter persistence. However, as per usual I was transfixed on one moment, it ''twas as if I'd become a staggering, stuttering record player, forever caught in repetition, solely for the purposes of my own awkwardness, my internal suffering.
Still, my eyes refused but digested the very site of you. Your seas of hazel, hair of woods and voice of absolute sweetness, the pure elixir of enticing essence filled you up, frothed out of you in endless waves.
'How had no one recognised you?' Was the first question that came to mind as you sat heed of me, I desperately tried my futile attempts in pulling my eyes away from your skin, raking from your frame. You were a drug, my nicotine, it was an infection, I, incapable of rejection so I was caught mid fire in a situation of utter beauty, trapped in the hands of time.
However, as always time will undo me, I will be unravelled. I will be changed, tattered and taken aback by the concept of lack in self esteem.
I guess this is my private hell, my lone bubble of antidepressants and shine of problematic events, yes.
To think, this was all to happen in the span of a night, I gave in to a fight, let in a light.
Will you never leave my sights?

<~>

It started years ago, but flourished months prior to now, I remember the dark glooms of the colours rumbled grey, spilled with a crawling dismay.
Not that I couldn't have put up with that, the clouds frothing with rain was the very least of my possibilities. I already had too much to comprehend, little of which I wished to intake.
Anyway, I remember the store, inside there was no gentle breeze, I felt a weight lifted from my chest, an upheaval within stirred at rest and finally relaxation stirred in my mind. To think, this all occurred at once.
As I found my feet and wandered through the somewhat popular rows of food and drink and any other accessories my eyes found you, which was highly convenient as I required someone like you, in this case a solid gamer.
Too be brutally honest, my heart didn't soar for you, I didn't stop for a single moment in time, freeze in the span of a second like all the predictable movies did, I considered you an acquaintance, someone who didn't have that high an importance besides the fact you were on my Facebook friends list.
Either way, regardless I didn't feel for you like I do now.
I strolled up to you in my classic getup, blue jeans, sad black shirt with a plastered on smile, now I look back would I change my appearance for you? Attempt to entice you further as I futilely attempt of now?
However inevitable is inevitable, past is past, presence is presence.
'What is the future' is a question that involves you commonly.
My words to you were unexpected, a slurred quick march of mess, I repeated myself.
'Come to this gaming thing with me' I pleaded, I'd never properly spoken to you outside of school and yet here I was, no textual phrase of common greeting just pure question.
Now I look back wasn't I such a polite human then? Is that another thing I would've reshaped? My words?
Too late now I guess.
Now I look back was it destiny you said 'yes', or is fate just being condescending? A torturous beast of flames forever scorching the nest of my heart.
You don't believe in fate, I used to think the same.
However, after meeting you of course everything changed.

<~>

You arrived late, however the phrase 'better late then never' was one that was quickly tossed around the room. Now I look back it's kinda ironic, even merely humorous.
You always seemed to crop up at my times of need. Whether it be via text or call, anyway, you cropped up.
Still had no attraction to you, I wasn't even a bit, however wait for it.
Times change, the heart doesn't degrade but more so upgrade, the hormones can and most certainly disturbed, emotions stirred within its wake.
I sometimes can't help but smile as the thought of you often keeps me awake.

<~>

It was by far the best gaming thing I'd ever attended, that was by far most certain. I looked back at it earlier, before the infatuation making excuses for why it was so much better, when I denied e blatantly obvious truth that I'd attempted to throw into oblivion.
Truth is, everything is better with you, hot nights your my cold soothe, emotional ups and downs you grind me down to a smoother groove.
It was after the convention I could call it? No, more like gathering (Ew. Magic, The Gathering) when things got interesting, when my heart really did wade off into a tidal wave of uneasiness, unexpected feelings flicked a fire inside of me.
It was nearing midnight, we wanted down the black streets where shadows claimed there place, darkness fought off the sun and the moon was at its peak, stars twinkling in the darkest of night skies.
Conversation went something like this:
You: "Blah blah politics, something something Malcom"
I: "Blah blah, agreed, something something ok.
Etc.
Then it went to sexuality, how it went from politics to sexuality still baffles me, unless we were speaking of Donald Trump.
I can practically see your eye roll if you were to ever read this.
That's when I discovered you were gay, and by gay I mean homosexual.
It's also when I discovered I was pansexual, and no, this does not mean I'm into corrugated iron people, it means I don't care of gender/sexuality preference, I'm all about personality. Without even taking a second thought, a slick of idea I'd spoken aloud.
I: "I'm like a bit into guys, but more into girls.
You: "The term is Bicurious, basically means your curious about what sensation of what it'd be like to not be straight."
That's basically what you said, I can't remember word to word, I think it was then I began to notice how your dimples worked, the lightness of your cheeks and the depths of your eyes.
From that moment, in that capture of time I noticed how intoxicatingly beautiful you were. Your imperfections in my eyes could've been seen as perfection, made who you were.
It was also then, now I look back, where it started.
It sure as hell ain't ended yet either.

<~>

Author's Brag:

There we have it, the official first chapter of something very close to possibly peculiar and predictable.
I love it!
Shout out to Montaigne, my Bae, my boo besides someone. After all 'Consolation Prize' is forever a masterpiece!!
So, is it interesting? Is he book fascinating or enticing you in any particular way, is it a good book? Does is entertain?
Surely it must, even if it's off, bad storyline you must find my idea of what's okay humorous.
If by any shocking chances you found this kinda cool do press the star and little box to comment your opinion.
After all,
Everyone's entitled to their own opinion.

Peace,

Jamez.Kri.er